I walked away, was I wrong?



I posted a few weeks ago about my boyfriend. As of 3 days ago, I walked away from a 7 year relationship, best friend of 33 years. He’s been in sober living over a month now. But bottom line he’s turned into an a**hole. Everything is about him, his way only, he’s emotionally unavailable 100 percent for any type of serious conversation. I’m tired of trying to be patient after all the crap I have witnessed and the pain of 7 years. He’s been telling me that if I want to talk about anything serious he will hang up. He made fun of me for joining this group. He has missed a few therapy sessions for himself. He calls me weirdo or psycho everytime I get emotional. His Mom keeps babying him, so no matter what I say, I’m the bad guy. It’s not cool and I want respect. Because he is in a sober house he has freedom, so he basically does whatever he wants daily besides one hour of a daily meeting… He’s 55 acting like a teenager and I’m 100 percent sick and tired of it. He won’t take me seriously. So I just want to be alone and take care of my mentality. Anyone else gone through this?? I feel like shit!! Stupid and used

Suggested use -
What emotions are you experiencing?
How are you taking care of yourself?


@Letty14 … I am sorry to hear that you are going through this Letty. I too, am finding myself in the same position. Except that my partner is currently in rehab and I have come across what is clearly him having an affair in rehab. He has cut me out completely and has become incredibly selfish. We have not had contact in over a week … since I told him that I am aware of the affair. No response to the message, nothing. I hear from him family that he is doing so well and that he is moving from primary care to secondary care this coming week and they want to fetch his car from him as secondary comes with freedom and they want to take his car to him. Why am I on the floor and he is doing so well.
I feel so betrayed and used … after everything that I have been through with him and I am now pushed to the side and dont even deserve any form of compassion or empathy.
I am with you 100% …


I’m sorry you’re going through this. That’s how I was feeling and that’s why I walked away. Believe me, mine wasn’t faithful either, before sober living I found conversations with a coworker and going out behind my back, so I know. now I finally feel that I’m mostly angry at myself if anything, because when someone invests their whole self to someone else and does not receive the same treatment back, it really is heartbreaking. Leaves someone in disbelief, so shocked, but I’m learning to accept that I can’t change the past or him, I can only change myself. in order to do that I have to stay away from him so I can heal. I love him but I need to love me first. I actually had a wonderful day today. No crying. No call or text to him. It was just relaxing. Hoping for more days like this, joy, love and peace within myself.


@Letty14 … I am so proud of you! You go girl! Keep it up! It will get better, we just have to keep on believing.


@Letty14 You did what you needed to do to take care of yourself right now, and that’s an incredible first step in trusting yourself and setting boundaries. Surrender is scary but so necessary in moving forward. What a brave thing you did. Keep showing up for yourself. :pray::sparkles:


Unreal you and Letty14,sound like you found my journal and are reading it out load I’m going thru exactly the same thing! It helps to know there are alot more Ahole men out there than the one I picked so I’m not the only In feeling disrespected I read once and lived this “you can take the drug’s out of an ass but then they are just a drug free ass unless willing to change. Let me tell you for sure once he’s got his freedom back and car etc you should be more worried about you getting stronger for when he returns a big mess again you’ll like you enough to say take a hike! It’s so heartbreaking at first but time does heal all wounds I’m living proof of that! Stay strong your not alone! Big hugs


Thank you :two_hearts::two_hearts: I still feel good today. One day at a time for all of us too :slightly_smiling_face::heavy_heart_exclamation:


So glad to hear you were able to find peace and joy within yourself, @Letty14. A major win, for sure. Hold on to that truth and continue to trust yourself. Big hugs!


Amen to that! I’m doing an hour at a time I’m proud I have done no contact for 2 weeks a record for me and I haven’t crumbled or died so there is hope lol


Soooo, I seen him today, wow, but it was a good visit. His daughter was killed in 2010 and today is her birthday, she would’ve been 34, it’s always hard for him, and I’m always his friend first if anything. But I can really say I’m proud of him, today on this date he’s experiencing it sober. I thought with my heart seeing the situation his heart is in. But overall it’s still a good day for me mentally. He was more opened about feelings which is really hard for him. It was different. Just wanted to share this with everyone. I pray for hope, peace and joy for all of us here, for our minds and hearts. We all need that :heart:


@Ellie910 … Thank you for your kind and inspiring messages. I am really not in a good place today. I am all over the place. One moment up, the next moment down. I feel betrayed and used and question why I wasnt worthy of an explanation, apology or anything. I am literally on taking it one minute at a time because I cant think of the next hour. Even with him being sober in rehab, I cant come to terms with this selfish behaviour … the no empathy or compassion. The no contact … It just ended to abruptly. I am struggling.
And I know I should take care of myself and all of that … but its really hard at the moment.


I feel like this sometimes. I walked away but it doesn’t mean that those feelings have disappeared completely. The last time I spoke with my ex about my feelings, I felt like I was talking to a robot. I thought " what an a**hole", no remorse, but I try to snap out of it by reminding myself that the drugs really did a number on the brain, the way of thinking, and actions that just don’t measure up to the age, in my case he’s 55 acting like 25, also emotionally unavailable, they just don’t have it in them to care normally. I read a lot, before and after this ordeal about certain behavior patterns in order to understand is it just me or him, I think you should definitely get help of course, with betrayal trauma, or at least go online for information about it if you don’t want to see someone yet, second read about emotionally unavailable, it’s very important, because it’s not your fault and yes we are worthy of an explanation, but sometimes we don’t get one, I accepted it because I was going insane letting this control my every move of my day while he was out and about not caring, his behavior wasn’t going to mess up what I need to do. I hope this helps you a little bit. It sucks a lot but we have to learn to let go sometimes to help ourselves. Sending you hugs :pray::hugs:


It so strange sometimes when I read what people write like your last nessage, I get confused thinking I wrote it? My god sad but knowing 2 total strangers are feeling the exact same emotions and find a site to talk shows me that karma does exist in a good way here. Every days i could lie and say oh I had a great day but I don’t foresee that until way down the road! I cry alone a lot my eyes always burn but seriously proud that I’m making the effort which we all deserve a big hug for to understand and escape the Ahole in time we will have that happy day with them it would never come! Keep sharing keep learning about the narcissist jerks it really helps. Big hugs and prayers


I’m thankful that we can all relate to the same similar problems and that it’s not in our heads. We can share our stories and support one another in any way we can. Good days or bad days are all in healing, and I don’t want to need someone to know my worth.


@Letty14 and @Ellie910 … I have no words to explain just how much the two of you mean to me during this incredibly dark time that I (and yourselves) are finding ourselves in. My load feels slightly lighter knowing that I can share my thoughts and feelings here, without being judged and without thinking I am going totally crazy. Sunday will be 2 weeks no contact … I am struggling but there are semi good-ish moments as well.
I feel so embarrassed at times because something as simple as someone asking me how I am, makes me burst into tears (be this randoms in the supermarket, a parent at my sons school, a neighbour or even a colleague). I think everyone must think I am pretty hopeless. Supposedly a strong, independent and professional individual who takes no nonsense and now look at me crumble … about love. About someone that every person close to me has said GET RID OF HIM AND WHY ARE YOU TOLERATING THIS.
I have really bad moments and then some good ones. I am trying to tell myself that I should have faith in the decisions that the Lord has made me for me and trust in that. Its FRIGGEN hard … but I try.
I just dont understand how this guys is flourishing and living his best life in rehab - gym twice a day, daily hikes, reading books and carrying on … and I am falling apart, I didnt even deserve the respect of an acknowledgement when I confronted him. Still being ignored 2 weeks later. He communicates with me via his mother now. To collect his wetsuit and car because with secondary care in rehab comes freedom … and of course probably the relationship he formed with (wait for it … a fellow addict … 20 years of age).
Lord help me! He chose that above me, my son, our family and the life we built.
I get that their brains arent functioning properly but PLEASE help me understand this! There was suspicions from my side before (whilst he was in active addiction) and that was always his excuse … but now you are sober - so what is the excuse NOW! And now is the first time I actually had proof when I came across a string of messages between him and this girl in rehab … phone calls, video chats, night and morning messages, checking in with each other ALL THE TIME (while I sit and wait to hear from him), making plans to meet up secretly within the facility. (Men and woman arent allowed to mingle with each other in his rehab), So they phone and video call in secret whilst in their bedrooms and which is also the only space where they are allowed to use the mobiles.
Why am still waiting to hear from him, An apology, An explanation, An acknowledgement, Remorse, Validation. Empathy, Compassion.


I ask myself the same, you’re not alone with these feelings. I just keep busy and say a prayer, only God knows why in my heart. Last night I broke down during my night prayers before bed, but after, it just felt good, like I exhaled. I can’t even open my social media without seeing pictures or videos of my now ex. I listen to a lot of music at home to keep me motivated, never slow anymore because it’s depressing. I read, talk to my adult children. Video chat with my grandkids because they make me smile. Everyday I read scriptures in the Bible. God didn’t put us here to suffer, that’s how I see it, if someone doesn’t see our worth after everything we have been put through then we have to move on even if it hurts. My ex is hanging out with people younger than my adult children, he has been hanging out with a 21 year girl that has 3 babies and lives in a shelter, no judgement about her situation, but he’s 55 who was engaged to me and had a home with me, so it does makes us lost and confused. Right now I just finished cleaning house!! Meaning everything of his it’s gone, his family has it. I don’t have anything here, it took me a week but now it’s gone, I can make my home my home slowly.,. I always hope for the best for him but right now he’s already checked out mentally so I have to live for me and so do all of us that are going through the same thing. I mean, ask yourself, would you ever trust him again if he came back?? I had to count my ups and downs before and after him getting help, and I counted more downs. SMH. Healing yourself doesn’t lead to love, but loving yourself first leads to healing … That’s what I have to convince myself. Hugs and prayers to you :hugs:


Omg this actually scared me I swear it was like you read my thoughts and posted them!!! 100 percent exact same thing !!! Got 2 weeks no contact he’s in rehab getting out next week made way too many excuses for me not to visit so I had his phone cloned to see wtf was up that just destroyed me why I knew deep down but now I had absolute proof wanted to go beat him but he’s a lot bigger and to lower myself and go to jail not worth it! It’s so insanely painful people have zero clue unless they are or have been there. I’ve been for hours evenings reading online about narcissist and rehab romance I can only pray karma comes while I can see it. Please know and believe we will be ok it takes lots of time but we will be God wants the good of heart to be at peace…. Feeling your feelings is healthy I can’t tell you enough you have people who care for you hold them close!!! Big hugs and keep sharing it helps


This is not meant to be rude towards anyone recovering ( I am a recovered Alcoholic)- but I often wonder the ego’s that happen in NA - because at the end of the day um…ya’ll a group of wounded people, period. Blind leading the blind in a sense- so no, I would say to these jerks, "Don’t give me your ego, your ‘all knowing’ ass or attitude- if you had it all together you would not be in a group that acknowledges that their lives are unmanageable (AND THAT IS OK! BUT BE HUMBLE!)-FURTHERMORE- you would NOT be wounding people and acting that way IF HE WAS FULLY RECOVERED- and thatt is ALWAYS going to be that way , with work- Chin up- don’t take advice or be scolded/affected by people whose lives are anything but smooth.


YES!!! This is crazy similar to what I have been going through with an ex., except add into this the fact that since he randomly broke up with me (after sticking by his side through many relapses cheating, etc )- when my mother had reached out to him in email, because she is upset at what it has done to me and my inability to move very far past this since May, he finally came out and added to the pile of crap, " He realizes in his sobriety he was never in love with me in the 5 years and how it was based on trauma etc". Try that on for size. \Addiction is one thing, but that is intentional and a choice- anytime during the last few months , not to mention days that he KNEW this and just kept leaving it out. I have asked him in every possible way and made it easy for him , asking if he even ever loved me- we talk because HE stated he wanted to still be able to “see me grow” while I could hopefully see “him get better” (from afar). Gag.

the entire summer I was dealing with betrayal trauma constantly trying to find answers approaching it different ways because my brain would not stop and every time while he yes he was patient in my opinion that is the least he could do for having spun this on me last minute after I gave him many options to leave feeling that there is a weird sounds that he was going to be ending it soon I begged him to just let me know and if he wasn’t happy to please go of course he did not I had to find something on his phone it blew up into a fight and of course that is when he decided to end things and now having that on top of it of the he did not love me actually after all is just ridiculous. narcotics anonymous is great for people he’s also getting some spiritual healing which is great but I totally understand the ego thing and the constant stressing of I don’t want to talk about any anything serious I will hang up the phone he has also become a huge ******* and I’m wondering if this was him before he was using opioids


@Letty14 and @MsNurseteaacher and @Ellie910
Hi ladies. How are you doing today? I had a really good day yesterday, went for a long walk at the beach and even went and bought myself some self-help books. Books about healing yourself, one about learning to instill boundaries in life and relationships, one about maintaining healthy relationships … so I am trying :slight_smile:
Today however I have been a bit down … but I guess I will still experience that for a long time to come. I cannot express to you how incredibly grateful I am that I have come across you ladies. Makes me feel a little bit less lonely … and crazy. Its rather remarkable how we are spread out through all corners of the world and can connect on such a level, sharing the same experiences.
On my side nothing has changed … still no contact from him following my message where I confronted him and told him that I know about the affair. Not a single word. BUT he is gymming and running and hiking and carrying on with his life. Im not even sure if he is still in rehab. I know I should be happy for him that he is instilling structure and routine in his life and clearly following the sober approach, but gosh, it breaks me that I am struggling and on the floor having to pick up all the pieces by myself - the financial destruction he left behind, the emotional destruction (for myself and for my son who accepted him as a father) and physical (I feel lonely when I am at home by myself) … hence the books! To try and keep busy.
I am angry that I am struggling and he is carrying on and doesnt think its necessary to apologise, explain or say ANYTHING.
I thought rehab and the 12 Steps also teaches you to take responsibility for what you have done, changing your behaviours, adopting honesty and amending relationships you have broken down. Instead it has turned him into a full blown selfish, self-absorbed a**hole … who has no remorse. But maybe its also a case like you have stated @menursseteacher - he probably discovered he never really loved me. QUITE the opposite of what I believed and what he told me the first 2 weeks in rehab when he was so sorry and literally bombarded me 24 hours a day. I like what you said there - dont take advice or be affected by people whose lives are anything but smooth. I remind myself of that all the time. And I also remind myself when I get super sad, that one day (obviously LOOOOOONG time from now), I will be happy again and I wont have to be the woman who has to be worried about his loyalty, his emotional immaturity, his addiction (if he doesnt make a full recovery), his financial dependence on his parents (trust fund adult) and wondering about which girl he is chatting to now.
I will hopefully have found someone who appreciates me for what I bring to the table - a strong, independent, financially stable professional with a kind heart. My kind heart lets me down most of the time - because I get too invested and get taken advantage of ENTIRELY. I just dont understand how he sleeps at night knowing what he did and took from me, and truly thinking and believing that I dont deserve a thank you. or an explanation. Nothing.
I have no doubt that he is still continuing his affair right there in rehab … with no regard to or for me. And hold me to my word - In a month or two or whenever, he will be sending me a message to tell me that he is sorry for everything he did to me and that yes, he agrees with me, my life is better without him … He will only do this to make HIMSELF feel better and tick that one of his to do list.
I just really feel strongly that rehab has changed him … not for the better … he is become SO selfish and self-absorbed. I didnt realise its such a selfish process.
But I guess also a true reflection of who he really is.