My boyfriend, who’s twenty one, is battling addiction to heroin and has been for about two years, and recently has been smoking cocaine for a couple of months. On top of this, he has been diagnosed with paranoia schizophrenia last year. At times he’s very verbally nasty with me, other times, things get physical on both ends because of this. He’s at the point where he has began self harming, and he has became very suicidal; because of this, he entered a detox center for the first time today, and will be there until Friday. I’m unsure of how to help him when he comes out, how to continue giving him the support he needs instead of giving up on him or even possibly enabling him, and how to deal with the pain and trauma myself. I need help, too. This has become very draining, and I’m trying to not give up on him. It’s hard, and it hurts. I’m willing to be by his side, but I don’t know how to go about things for either of us anymore. At this point I am scared that I have done nothing but worsen situations at times. I want to understand more, and be a better support system for the both of us- ESPECIALLY if he continues with this path and enters a rehabilitation program. He has slowly, over time, opened up to me, is working on being honest with his usage, and has been willing to accept what is going on. He has FINALLY made the decision to do things right, and has been more accepting of my help. Now that he is making these choices, I need to know what to do now. HELP!
I want to be a better support system! What do I do next?
Love this question & desire to be a good support system to/for your boyfriend!
I think FIRST AND FOREMOST is taking care of you. I know there’s a lot of talk about self-care, but honestly, this one isn’t passé. It’s important!!
The quality of support you give depends on the quality of life you’re experiencing for yourself.
Second, it’s so awesome that he’s given you a little thread of hope/change to pull! 
Now might be the time to brush up on some positive communication tips. When you talk about his addiction & recovery, try on curiosity, open-ended questions, receptive listening, and sincere eye contact. (ex. “Why might you want to make this change happen?” “How could you go about it in a way that gets you the results you want?” “Who else might benefit from this change?”)
And I already hear this curiosity and positivity in your question - you are eager to be a good support system and understand his situation, which is awesome.
Last thought is to focus at least some your conversations and interactions on things other than his addiction & recovery - ya know?! Remind him that there’s more to life!!
Here for you @Gotthisjuice.
I have plenty of people telling me to just give up, because this is something that he may possibly not beat, and I’m just stuck. I want to support him, and I want to be here for him. They say things like, “That man does not love you.” But they genuinely did not see us, before this addiction. I feel like I’d hate myself if I managed to listen, and I’d spend every day worrying if I walked away from him in a time like this. I don’t want to be everyone else who’s up and left him when something didn’t go right. Although there has been times where he’s blamed me, or I’ve blamed myself for this- I no longer do, and he doesn’t either. I know sticking by him is a choice that I am making, and I believe that I’m strong enough to do just that, but there’s but so much I can do. I just feel this PRESSURE all the time when it comes to this. I just don’t know what to do. How can I decide on whether or not I should walk away, or stay by his side? There’s been times where he’s told me he doesn’t believe he’s going to get better, and that I should just leave him to destroy himself but I can’t do that. I cannot watch the man I love just become a slave to this.
Get busy working on you while he’s in detox. Go, find the help you need locally. Seek NA meetings and explain your situation. You will most definitely find help there and a direction to do what’s best for you first. Meetings and follow up in NA will be paramount to the longevity of his recovery post detox. Counseling and other mind management systems are everywhere. Go to them. Alot of hard work ahead but, no question life is beautiful when you take advantage of the opportunity to change your life. In turn so will he if only you work to make the current circumstances the very best they can be. Don’t sit and wait until he gets out for you to take action. Good luck on the journey there’s people everywhere who care. It’s being honest and truthful to yourself that will make the difference.
Yah that’s so hard. Where’s the line? How do you stay strong for yourself, and him? (This is rhetorical. Just agreeing that this’s such a hard situation to be in.) You’re not the only one with that question. Maybe you have something to contribute (or learn!) from this post about how this dialogue goes in your head.
The Nar Anon groups in my area have been cut, and now they only supply the help for the addicts themselves- researching is what brought me here. I’ve managed to get in contact with a therapist but she pretty much just told me about NA.
@spin45s @Gotthisjuice this is similar to my experience with the Nar Anon groups (there’s only ONE in MANHATTAN) and they discourage giving advice! And talk therapy has a place but didn’t drive to the heart of ‘what sort of action plan can I create’. And these are the reasons why we created this site 
<3
We’re just getting started and welcome any and all feedback to make it better. We’d love to host online live group meetups monthly or weekly if that would be something you guys want? You tell us!
Here to serve.
Hey @Gotthisjuice I’m so glad to hear your boyfriend is getting help at this time. And while he is, it’s wonderful that you are reaching out here for support on how to get more support! It’s a good time to focus on you!
What I hear you saying is:
You want to be a good support for your boyfriend, and get more support for yourself, but people in your life are telling you to leave him even though you want to help him.
Our professional perspective on the topic of support (giving and getting) is:
Your wellbeing matters and makes a difference. As a supportive loved one you it’s easier to detach but we have reasons to be optimistic! Our very own, amazing, @Jane recently wrote this article on reasons to be optimistic!
Let’s practically apply it:
When it comes to support systems there are three types of support teams:
- Support for your loved one
- Support for yourself
- Sharing information (When we engage in conversation with someone who is commiserating with us and/or sharing their stresses or negative perceptions, our stress level increases. On the other hand, engaging in supportive and positive conversations decreases our stress levels and are conducive to affecting positive change.)
When thinking about who to invite (as you consider the lists, jot down your own list of who might fit into each category):
- Keep your scope broad, consider your love one’s close relationships they have disengaged with, and whether they would be willing to play a supportive role
- Remember to focus on inviting people who are willing to focus positively on solutions and remain open to evidence-based information
Who may fall into these categories that may be able to support you and your loved one? - Family (outside of immediate family, are there cousins or more biologically distant relatives who could fit here?)
- Lifestyle (friends/colleagues/buddies from extracurricular before or during substance use but that existed outside of it)
- Health (doctors, medical team of any kind, sponsors if they’ve participated in 12-step recovery)
- Other aspects of their lives we may not know about where there is or was community (church, community involvement)
ACTION: Now go back through your lists and put a star beside the people you’d want to share some of what you’ve learned with.
When thinking of how to invite someone to be a member of the support system, consider the following before having a conversation, and make notes about what’s important to share, this way you can be direct and concise when you reach out to them
- What do they need to know about the situation?
- What do you want to say or share?
- What would you like from them? (I’d love for you to consider supporting my loved one in these ways… I’d love your support for me in these ways…)
Then, let the person know that you’d like to have a conversation, and that coming into it with an open mind and heart will yield the best results for everyone.
Please ‘comment’ below so we can continue this dialogue, @Gotthisjuice. I’m here and happy to help!
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.
Hey there Gotthisjuice !
So first of all you need to understand that you can not save or fix your bf. He has to want to change before anything will happen. Secondly I know you love him, but this guy that is doing all this to you in not the bf you feel in love with.
So that being said, you need take care of you, and you first. You dont have to walk away or turn your back but instead let him that you love him but you will take this behavior and when hes ready for help your there.
Now if he decides he wants help, you need to have a plan, Im not where you are to give you some assistance but Im always here, and this is what I do for work, Im a recovery coach and advocate and I help loved ones and their families navigate treatment and aftercare as well and self care and education.
Kris
Recovery coach and Advocate
Ambrosia Treatment center
My god I couldn’t relate more to this, you sound exhausted…first things first I’d say take time for yourself and heal. Meditate, get some rest, take some space. Secondly to get more understanding I’d recommend just reading through the past questions on this site, lots and lots of helpful information on here, How to help yourself and how to help your loved one, ways to approach the situation, different perspectives. Thirdly, everything @erica said haha
