My husband doesn’t connect with friends all that often. Once every month or few he has a night out with a friend and just destroys himself, regardless of next day commitments. It’s so frustrating. Then he wants hugs. Last thing I want to do.
Anyone experience this and have any good insights into how you handle it?
I dont know if I can help but I totally know this feeling. My husband does exactly the same. Rides himself off and then has a pity party the next day wanting hugs and reassurance. He says sorry but the story repeats. Over the years I’ve ended up finding space to look after myself to avoid being drawn into his world and then later in the day when things have settled and hes less hungover I might sit with him and listen. I try to be objective and help him reflect rather than tell him what hes done wrong unless it’s effected me directly. If weve got commitments depending on how he is I go about what we have planned to do regardless of how he feels. I generally expect him to come and still engage in what we had planned but if he’s not willing and being a child about it I just leave him to be. He often has panic attacks after a drinking session which I struggle to be empathetic towards as he then wants to escape crowds/gatherings etc. It kills me inside at times as I feel so lonely if he doesnt come but I refuse to be dragged down with him and miss out. Friends and family have started to get used to me being a solo attendee… we have a son now so it’s not as bad as it used to be but still that’s how I go about it. Sorry if it’s not useful but that’s my experience anyway!
That was amazingly helpful @Vetti thank you for sharing, and just to feel a little less alone in this feeling means the world and it’s really nice to hear how you handle it.
My husband’s line during hangover becomes ‘do you love me? show me you love me.’ I love him. But I don’t feel heaps of compassion for the hangover because it happens rarely enough that it’s not a dependency (which starts ringing the 'rehab bells in my head) but often enough that I feel he should be able to reflect on it and handle it differently next time…
And then it’s always - ‘oh I should have eaten more or not mixed alcohol’ … I don’t think either of those are at the root of the problem unfortunately.
I myself was a “weekend warrior” and binge drinker before going to outpatient treatment. I too was always seeking reassurance from whomever I was with at the time, and I wanted them to “co-sign” my misdeeds when it came to missing engagements and activities that had been previously planned due to my hangovers; I also would seek reassurance for drinking too much at social events. The fact that we look for reassurance and affirmations following events of binge drinking shows that we know there is at some level a problem with us controlling our drinking. While in treatment I was introduced to the concept of mental obsession for drinking, and even though I only drank on weekends or sporadically, in hindsight I can honestly say that the periods between without drink there was definitely some obsession taking place leading me to over drink or not drink responsibly. There were underlying emotional and mental issues, work stressors, etc. that I was seeking to escape through drink. Drinking had become my coping mechanism in exchange for healthier coping mechanisms such as meditation, taking a walk, performing breathing exercises, communicating with people when I took issue with their actions, etc. Once I learned how to manage stress and life in general, I remained sober and am still sober to this day.
What I know from our CRAFT program is that we want to use our own actions and behaviors to encourage healthy, sober connection and discourage the substance use. So that would mean not rewarding the negative outcomes of his alcohol use, and instead making those connections when alcohol is not or has not been involved.
For example - you mentioned your husband doesn’t connect with friends often. Is there a way to help him make those connections more often, without alcohol? Or connect more with mutual friends doing sober activities? Or, maybe skip the hugs when he’s hungover and give more hugs when he’s sober?
I know our CRAFT coaches can help with these kinds of conversations!