Marriage is broken, I don't know what to do?

self-care
divorce
#1

Hi I’m new on this site, I’m married to an addict our 3 yr. anniversary is next week, right now we live together but we are not together. Its a really weird relationship idk what to do. I love my husband so much but I also know that he cant be fully committed to me due to his usage. I feel like moving out but its so hard to let go of everything you ever wanted!

#2

Hi @Bee81,
Thanks for sharing so openly :slight_smile: for me it’s my husband with the addiction too and it’s a really weird relationship. Even with him three years + into recovery and doing really well in comparison to where he was, I still often play the ‘coach’ role and it can be really draining and frustrating. Right now his drinking is really bothering me. It’s not wildly out of control but it’s not conscious or pleasant. Anyway…

I have a lot of questions about your situation - has he tried things that have worked in the past to lift up out of addiction? Are there other supports (people) who can step in to help as you take space to look after yourself?

It is totally natural to not enjoy being around the addict and grieve and love the person we know is behind the addiction haze. I get this 100%.

Know that it is possible for him to heal and get healthy but it does take time. And it is always important to take care of ourselves first so we can enjoy our existence and have enough energy and objectivity to care for those around ourselves.

Let me know the answers to the above questions and a bit more context and let’s dig into this a bit more.

Sending all the love!

#4

Hi polly,

Thank you for writing back. My side of the family has no idea about this addiction. His mom knows, sister, and brother but they don’t know how to approach him because he gets very angry. His relationship with his mother has never been the best. My husband has been in and out of prison for 13 years. He has lost custody all of his 4 kids. The mothers of the kids also have lost custody of the kids. He has 4 different baby mamas that struggle with the same issues as him. You can say that once I came into his life, I have helped him better his life. But my concern is I want to help him get clean. He’s such an amazing guy with such beautiful heart. I love my husband so much but he doesn’t see how special he is and everything good he deserves . The addiction is so powerful and I’m losing my battle against it. We go from “I love you,” to “I don’t want to be with you because I know I can’t be faithful to you,” to “I hate you,” to “I hope you die,” and other hurtful words. All said by him when he’s trying to get sober or me telling him I’m not giving you money for the dope. He lost his job about 1 month ago and I’m trying my best to pay everything and start my own lash extension business PLUS raise 2 daughters from my previous marriage. I love him so much I cant help to feel like I’m drowning on my own and feel so alone.

#5

That’s a lot to handle @Bee81 and I can really hear your love for him.
That talk he does is hurtful but it’s coming from a place of craving for that powerful drug not truth - my husband barely remembers his 3 years of drug-infused-existence.

I know there’s hope but that certainly doesn’t mean it’s easy. Keep taking care of you and now I’m wondering… have there been things that have worked for him in the past to stay clean? It’s great to leverage things that we already know can be helpful.

If you can bring in any others to help support his recovery, though there may be resistant if they deep down love him and want him to get better tap into that and ask them to reengage - whether it be adding a joyful activity (seeing a movie, going for dinner, whatever) get them to help rebuild connection and lighten the weight on your shoulders.

This little downloadable guide might be helpful to map out what you know and find a place to intervene:

And these two on conversations might be comforting:

Also, our resident Village Coach @erica is available for phone calls if you feel like talking with her (she’s great!) - all you have to do is contribute 5 posts to this forum OR pay the $24.99 cost for the call and you can schedule your call.

PS and most importantly, you are not alone, we are here with you and not going anywhere <3