Maybe an ultimatum is what she needs - how might we have a conversation around this?

self-care
boundaries
communication
#1

Right now it’s just the methadone and myself as her support, her Mom is supportive but I’m the one that deals with it directly everyday. It just seems like she’s not taking advantage of any of the support, actively talking to using friends, finding ways to get drugs, stealing and then lying to me about it. I feel like I’ve exhausted all my options. At this point maybe an ultimatum is what she needs.

#2

Genuinely curious @Dean_Acton - What do you think about an ultimatum? What request might you make of her? How might you feel if she disagrees with your terms?

Would be interested to hear from others experience, also!

#3

Well my thoughts on it are this, I’ve tried all this different things, ways of communicating, being open and creating a safe space, being active in her recovery, supporting her financially sometimes, driving her everywhere. Watched my life fall apart but kept trying. All these things to help her beat the addiction but even after all that she hasn’t really changed, still doing the same games so at this point what more can I do? I’m just spinning my wheels and not focusing on rebuilding my own life. So I feel that she needs a wake up call and I need to go back to helping myself. My offer to her would be this, we are taking a break until you can prove to me that you have done the work and made the progress to get on the right track and I can trust that you are committed to staying the right track. I’d want to see time sober, months. Real action, results, no I promise I’ll be better nonsense. If she can’t accept those terms then sad to say but I’m not going to further steep myself deeper in debt and anxiety.

#4

From my experience, I think one of the toughest things about addiction is that when someone is caught in active addiction, and given our current options for professional help, it can take a long time for the stars to align.

Aligning meaning here: where your loved one is motivated to change their habits and has access to some good help to do so and has that stable support infrastructure. The saying that ‘they can’t change til their ready’ has truth in it but is not the final word. If we can tap into our loved one’s motivation to change we can help coach towards positive change. This is what CRAFT is all about.

However, being able to stick around to see it through is a really tough ask for anyone. In my case, I couldn’t help myself but stay the course. We didn’t live together, and it wasn’t heroin. It was not a linear path to progress. It took what I believe must have been 2-3 years (though I actually find it hard to recall because it’s a bit of a blur.)

I struggle to find the right words but think I would tell my past self would be - to some how know that it’s going to be SO SLOW. Any decision you make now to protect yourself, while maintaining some connection is likely helpful for both of you.

I know this doesn’t immediately help. But it’s something I can now look back on and see that all those days and weeks that were all consuming lead to years - big chapters that I can now see progress I could not see on any one day or week when things are SO in flux and up and down.

This is me:


9 years =
3 = friendship developed
3 => weathered addiction
3 => recovery
Today <3

#5

I wonder if you’ve done any exploration on understanding and knowing what your personal limits are? From what you shared it sounds like you may be living beyond your limits, and this could be an indication that you need to take a step back and give yourself some distance from the situation. The ability to recognize what you can and cannot handle can be helpful, and with this awareness of what your limits are, careful self-assessment (how you feel physically and emotionally), and practice, you can continue to work on seeing your limits from a safe distance and even use them as guides.

I have to commend you for being brave, vulnerable, and honest as you reach out for help - do you think you’re living beyond your limits? If so, it may be worth looking back into this post on CRAFT 7 Positive Communication Tips to prepare to have a conversation with her about it. I recommend writing out what you want to say in a few ways, so you can eliminate approaches that may not be helpful. Then find a time that you could sit down with her, maybe by asking permission to have a conversation so her defenses are down and she feels like an active participant in the conversation. Then you can share what you want to say from what you have written down. Check back in with her by asking if it makes sense and if not, then what she needs clarification on. Finally, think about what you’ll do if she disagrees.

At the end of the day you have to take care of yourself if you want to be able to support her! I hope this helps, and if you want to brainstorm some ways of communicating to her here we welcome it!

A note from the Village :love_letter:: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.

#6

Hi, setting a boundary is very difficult when you care and love the person who has worked to stay clean. I remember my Dad’s first recovery with rehab - He came home from rehab so sicking sweet to all of us that we made jokes we were all becoming diabetics. Later we learned it was a honeymoon. I was in high school at the time and this was his 2nd recovery. About 3 or so months later, we also learned that he was who he was and the alcohol just amplified his personality. He returned to the dad we knew just not so loud and mean. While he stayed alcohol free for years, he went back and did a 3rd recovery that lasted over 25 years. I can’t say he changed. His 3rd recovery took an intervention and my bottom line was he would never see me or his grandchild (I was 5 1/2 months pregnant at the time). While this may not have been hard on him personally, he would have felt strongly about me not coming by to see my mom. He would not want mom, his wife, to be hurt.

Years went on and he just got old and less loud. I was able to walk away as an adult when I had enough and slowly became empowered. He was pretty much the same person with a negative heart although so much less powerful and amplified. As he aged and on hospice, I saw him as a human who was limited and not able to grow… like giving a flower the minimum about of water; just enough to live yet not enough water to bloom. Not everyone has the capacity to grow and learn. I was able to see him as a human and not the ugly monster I saw as a child before he died. I am one of the lucky children who can see and realize that while very challenged - I am one of the lucky one’s able to be self aware, learn and grown.
Today’s boundary can change over time - no one says it is a lifetime boundary that is set.

Guess the morale of the story is that you have to find within yourself what is your limit to chaos. Time separated from the chaos gave me time to heal and grow. My growth was halted as a young adult. Deciding to limit and separate from the negative gave me the openness to learn and grow! While the person with addiction in recovery seems to take sooooooo long to recover; my learning and growth took a very long time as well.

#7

I ended up giving my husband an ultimatum. I was at my wits end. It was very un-emotional. Just a matter of fact - I couldn’t do it any more. I was ready to get off the merry go round. Everyone’s ‘bottom’ is different. I was at a place of surrender. I was tired of trying to fix him, and keep the chaos to a minimum, and keep the family afloat emotionally, financially, and physically… I couldn’t do it any longer. He chose treatment and has been clean and sober ever since (and sometimes I forget how far he/we have come). It all boils down to what feels like the next right step to YOU. And when you have peace with what you want to say, and can allow whatever outcome to happen as it will, that’s freedom. (((hugs))) best to you as you feel into what’s the next best move.