My spouse is currently 42 Days sober out of rehab, and I am so proud! So many positive changes, and I can see his heart, its an amazing feeling.
Unfortunately I was under the misguided impression that when he became sober, he would be completely out of the “psychosis” and realize that what he had been accusing me of, was just bizarre and not true. Yet here we sit, trying to show each other love, yet I know in the back of his mind, he legitimately believes he caught me in MULTIPLE porn video’s(which he sent to me while I was working), sleeping with his family members, male and female, ages ranging from high school, up to 50’s…strangers, all the neighbors…you name it, he accused me of it. Even when these women look nothing like me and they are covering their eyes. So i guess my question isn’t why he feels this way, because I’ve read about all i could read about drug induced psychosis…but more a question as to maybe how long, or is this idea going to stay planted forever?
He refuses to watch the video’s he sent me before going to rehab. I had kept them as my “proof” per se that they weren’t me, but he believes he will just be triggered by watching them because he is afraid he will still “see me” in them, even though I have never done such a thing in my life, and 110% those women are not me.
In my mind I’m thinking, what better solution to the problem, than to watch the videos with sober eyes and realize they aren’t me, wouldn’t that be a damn relief, for the both of us? Obviously not a relief if his brain could truly cause him to picture my face on other peoples bodies, but of course I’m not thinking of that, when I know that no way in hell these people are me, just like I cant possibly understand where he is coming from, he cannot see perspective from my side either, when this is quite literally reality versus drug induced psychosis… Has anyone experienced this situation?
I cannot help but to feel offended by these accusations, and the strong desire to prove my innocence. What I cannot seem to get on board with, is the idea that he needs to just be able to deal with “my cheating” “accept it” and be able to “move on”…because that is offensive to my sensibilities. I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ACTualLY BETRAYED…so those resentments and feelings of a need for forgivingness belong to me, how can I watch someone try to “get over, and be okay with” something I never did…that cannot be the best solution to the problem, because for the rest of our lives, can he then claim to be triggered by the fact that I had cheated on him, even if only in his head, and I must feel some sort of pity for him, and treat the situation delicately like I have anything to be sorry for, and feel empathy for him?
Selfishly I am speaking now, but those feelings of betrayal belong to me, I am the one who is destroyed inside, lacking confidence, feeling like I wasn’t enough, but does the success of his recovery process mean that I must make myself small once again and allow him to believe that he is working on forgiveness for my actions? That is such a damn hard pill to swallow…although, I would do it, I just want there to be another answer.
He cheated on me multiple times over multiple years, so I’m aware that he may be projecting his own insecurities onto me because of his guilt, and I need to be sensitive to the fact that what happened in his head was very real to him…but how do I maneuver around the ideas put into his head when he was experiencing psychosis, now that his brain is healing and he is sober?
I hoped that there would just be a “TADAAA” moment when he was sober, that he would finally see what I had been seeing this whole time, but is that too much to hope for? I have stayed by his side, and tried to be his strongest supporter, I have tried to take on all child and financial responsibilities, and I am emotionally wore out…yet I must be met with questions about WHERE the money to do the supporting is coming from…because it couldn’t possibly be the job that I’ve maintained…while being alone to take care of the child a majority of his life, and making sure I drove all the way across the state whenever I was allowed to visit at rehab. I cannot help but to feel anger when I am struggling so much and fighting for what I know my reality is, yet trying to be supportive for him, barely getting sleep, and continuing to go to work…and then be accused of getting money from anywhere but the job that my bank account and paystubs can verify.
I love him more than he will ever know, but my anger that he would accuse me of such things, is starting to be replaced by sadness. I do not necessarily want to feel sorry for him, because I know this is not fair to me, but how can I not have empathy for the person I love so much, that actually feels somewhat broken hearted, even if not because of my true actions…?
To look into the eyes of someone you love, and know that this isn’t just a game, that they are feeling true pain, based on facts that have become so real to them in their head…it breaks my heart, even though I have no guilt to carry, as I have never been unfaithful. I wanted to be mad for the longest time, but it hurts different when you know that scenes, and photos, and voices were actually playing over in their heads, and they actually feel they were betrayed…how do we prepare ourselves for situations like this?
He was absolutely awful to me when he was high, accused me of every disgusting act, with strangers, his family, anyone. I was called every name in the book, but I just tried to research what this drug was doing to him, I felt knowledge could help me to separate my feelings from myself so I could just try to understand what was going on, and because deaf and numb to how he was making me feel. I already know that I struggle with depression, insecurity, and an unhealthy need to belong and be desired by my partner, so I had to go to extreme lengths to prove I cared, and a lot of those lengths compromised me, and they were at my expense, because I am not okay, but I focus on him and his recovery so that I don’t have to deal with those feelings for now. I felt I owed it to our 4 year old son, to try and help his father, and I also selfishly believed that I deserved a good man, after all the shit, it was my turn to be happy, and I had chosen his…God had chosen him to lead my family, so i wasn’t going to give up on him.
How do I now not feel like I have to spend every moment feeling I have to try and prove something that never happened? I know what infidelity did to me, to my very core, I am not okay, a large part due to the fact that I still could never imagine flirting with another man, let alone having sex with them, it makes me sick, that’s how ridiculously faithful I am in my heart, and mind…that my body would never do what he was able to do to me. I have to try and tell myself, although I know it isn’t true, he doesn’t, and what if he is feeling the same way in his gut, that I feel because of actions he actually took?
Is this a life sentence? How long does reality take to set back in, or are the memories that occurred during psychosis permanent?? Is this a problem that now sits as a dark shadow over our relationship, that he must “deal with”…or is there hope that a day comes where that paranoia and delusional thinking gets exposed, and clear thinking can prove to himself that what he thought was true, never was? I want an epiphany…not just acceptance from him, I want him to know absolutely that I didn’t deserve his behaviors and that I have always been true and stood right there, I need a miracle…
I cannot picture a happy future with someone who feels they must forgive me for something that I didn’t do, that specific something being my largest daily struggle, trying not to think of that her, that woman who came like a tornado through me, she destroyed any sort of positive thinking I had started accumulating towards myself, anything good I felt I had to offer, and sense of confidence I may have built in myself when I fell in love with him, gone… the moment I realized that I wasn’t enough, over ,and over, and over again…the thought of that infidelity tears my stomach up when I have to think about it, so if some storyline is playing in his head, and he feels betrayed… if we are both that hurt, how does our story end, if sobriety doesn’t mean clear eyes on the same situation?
Meth Addict Spouse- convinced im in porn and cheating...?
This could literally be me … Literally the EXACT same scenario …delusions of infidelity in every way imagined…and yes , including pornography videos and audio …my spouse is CONVINCED of this …even though I have not been with another man since 3 years prior to my husband and I getting together. Which was 22 years ago !!! I don’t even have social media accounts …I am a major introvert … I have 6 children and am exhausted. So these accusations were very bizarre to me, as I literally never go anywhere and don’t even have male friends.
I am sorry to hear this is happening to someone else , as it is truly the most demoralizing thing that has ever happened to me. I have been through years of agony with my husband on and off the wagon , 2 rehabs, drug court etc. And even in sobriety now the delusions persist. He refuses to seek help because he is truly committed to the delusions , and won’t acknowledge how bizarre and implausible his thinking patterns have become.
Some days I feel like I’m in Guantanamo Bay, being mentally tortured with false accusations. He goes in a loop , with the delusions becoming more and more bizarre. If asked about proof , he always says his phone was "hacked " to get the evidence. He also said that I was funneling money from my “porn industry” into crypto and somehow that was attached to his stock account. Just super bizaare accusations.
In the past he used to have jealous delusions when he was addicted to Adderall (basically prescription amphetamines), but the delusions would mostly subside when he sobered up. Within the last 1.5 years he discovered Meth (which I am just now knowledgeable about ) and this seemed to have severely damaged his brain. He thought people were crawling through my bedroom window (while he was home and I had an infant in the bed ) he hallucinated seeing a man standing in my bathroom. I had him committed and unfortunately the little time that they kept him hospitalized had no effect. He refused to follow up care on release.
My hope from this post is that someone will know they are not alone , and that it is terribly frightening what methamphetamine is doing to lives. It is destroying livelihoods and families.
I am sitting here with almost the exact same story. If I didn’t have the power to let things go I would be crushed. I love him to the moon and back, I believe he’s my soulmate. I can forgive and forget but I also don’t want to be wasting my time. I don’t want to stand by and wait if he’s going to continue to believe that I am just a cheater anyway. I’m frustrated!
How is your situation going? Anything new or have you guys been able to try any kind of therapy yet? Mine is currently in his second rehab… This one is four months long though so that will be a substantial amount of sobriety, but I’m afraid that without serious specialized counseling about these jealous delusions. Sobriety will have been for nothing as using again is obvious to me, if he continues with the same thought pattern. 
This is very touchy for me. Ive been an addict for 30 years and ive got no real doc. I used everything to extreme levels. It was my goal to rest the limits… well i had got with a girl around 2013. We had a baby in 14 and lost another chiks in 2018. During that time i had suspicions at times and she had her moments where i couldnt do anything without cheating well so she thought. Well i did use meth. I ised to do it with her occasionally and when she started acting insane i started hiding it from her. I eventually did more and more. Well the first incident that started this pff was we just bought a house together and i had suspicoun that my friend since 3rd grade that was a neighbor now was helping himself to my building materials in my garage, so i set up cam inside the house pointing at garage. While watching them i heard clear sounds that didnt go with my womans accounts for that day and more imp portantly i heard other vouces talking to her. Since that day she has started talking to herself all the time and to dogs and cars etc…she also came home with a dif manner in bedroom. It was like a porn star overnight. Well to shorten this some ive learned shes a covert narcissist and has a secret sex life she actually prostitutes. She never will admit it and would let our fam go to waste to keep secret. She actually sent me this link cuz she gaslights me constantky. I believe theres guys out there who overreact. I know there is ove grew up with em but im not one. I dont see or hear things thats not there i got ton of evidence to prove
Mine is in rehab number 2 now. This one is supposed to be more of a halfway house situation. He’s 60 plus days into the 4 month stint. Sobriety itself helps, and after this long, the schizophrenic voices have finally begun to subside…but the nightmare still isn’t over. Every week that goes by he tries to tell himself that drug induced psychosis is a real thing, that he may feel he really “saw” things, but the fact of the matter is that they were just plane false. Even knowing it is psychosis, it is still a battle daily, I’m just hoping that something eventually clicks…especially before it’s time to come home again
Wow! I am sorry other people are going through this but I am glad I am not alone. Thank you all for telling your stories