Meth Addict Spouse- convinced im in porn and cheating...?

[Kdawn]

My spouse is currently 42 Days sober out of rehab, and I am so proud! So many positive changes, and I can see his heart, its an amazing feeling.
Unfortunately I was under the misguided impression that when he became sober, he would be completely out of the “psychosis” and realize that what he had been accusing me of, was just bizarre and not true. Yet here we sit, trying to show each other love, yet I know in the back of his mind, he legitimately believes he caught me in MULTIPLE porn video’s(which he sent to me while I was working), sleeping with his family members, male and female, ages ranging from high school, up to 50’s…strangers, all the neighbors…you name it, he accused me of it. Even when these women look nothing like me and they are covering their eyes. So i guess my question isn’t why he feels this way, because I’ve read about all i could read about drug induced psychosis…but more a question as to maybe how long, or is this idea going to stay planted forever?
He refuses to watch the video’s he sent me before going to rehab. I had kept them as my “proof” per se that they weren’t me, but he believes he will just be triggered by watching them because he is afraid he will still “see me” in them, even though I have never done such a thing in my life, and 110% those women are not me.
In my mind I’m thinking, what better solution to the problem, than to watch the videos with sober eyes and realize they aren’t me, wouldn’t that be a damn relief, for the both of us? Obviously not a relief if his brain could truly cause him to picture my face on other peoples bodies, but of course I’m not thinking of that, when I know that no way in hell these people are me, just like I cant possibly understand where he is coming from, he cannot see perspective from my side either, when this is quite literally reality versus drug induced psychosis… Has anyone experienced this situation?
I cannot help but to feel offended by these accusations, and the strong desire to prove my innocence. What I cannot seem to get on board with, is the idea that he needs to just be able to deal with “my cheating” “accept it” and be able to “move on”…because that is offensive to my sensibilities. I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS ACTualLY BETRAYED…so those resentments and feelings of a need for forgivingness belong to me, how can I watch someone try to “get over, and be okay with” something I never did…that cannot be the best solution to the problem, because for the rest of our lives, can he then claim to be triggered by the fact that I had cheated on him, even if only in his head, and I must feel some sort of pity for him, and treat the situation delicately like I have anything to be sorry for, and feel empathy for him?
Selfishly I am speaking now, but those feelings of betrayal belong to me, I am the one who is destroyed inside, lacking confidence, feeling like I wasn’t enough, but does the success of his recovery process mean that I must make myself small once again and allow him to believe that he is working on forgiveness for my actions? That is such a damn hard pill to swallow…although, I would do it, I just want there to be another answer.
He cheated on me multiple times over multiple years, so I’m aware that he may be projecting his own insecurities onto me because of his guilt, and I need to be sensitive to the fact that what happened in his head was very real to him…but how do I maneuver around the ideas put into his head when he was experiencing psychosis, now that his brain is healing and he is sober?
I hoped that there would just be a “TADAAA” moment when he was sober, that he would finally see what I had been seeing this whole time, but is that too much to hope for? I have stayed by his side, and tried to be his strongest supporter, I have tried to take on all child and financial responsibilities, and I am emotionally wore out…yet I must be met with questions about WHERE the money to do the supporting is coming from…because it couldn’t possibly be the job that I’ve maintained…while being alone to take care of the child a majority of his life, and making sure I drove all the way across the state whenever I was allowed to visit at rehab. I cannot help but to feel anger when I am struggling so much and fighting for what I know my reality is, yet trying to be supportive for him, barely getting sleep, and continuing to go to work…and then be accused of getting money from anywhere but the job that my bank account and paystubs can verify.
I love him more than he will ever know, but my anger that he would accuse me of such things, is starting to be replaced by sadness. I do not necessarily want to feel sorry for him, because I know this is not fair to me, but how can I not have empathy for the person I love so much, that actually feels somewhat broken hearted, even if not because of my true actions…?
To look into the eyes of someone you love, and know that this isn’t just a game, that they are feeling true pain, based on facts that have become so real to them in their head…it breaks my heart, even though I have no guilt to carry, as I have never been unfaithful. I wanted to be mad for the longest time, but it hurts different when you know that scenes, and photos, and voices were actually playing over in their heads, and they actually feel they were betrayed…how do we prepare ourselves for situations like this?
He was absolutely awful to me when he was high, accused me of every disgusting act, with strangers, his family, anyone. I was called every name in the book, but I just tried to research what this drug was doing to him, I felt knowledge could help me to separate my feelings from myself so I could just try to understand what was going on, and because deaf and numb to how he was making me feel. I already know that I struggle with depression, insecurity, and an unhealthy need to belong and be desired by my partner, so I had to go to extreme lengths to prove I cared, and a lot of those lengths compromised me, and they were at my expense, because I am not okay, but I focus on him and his recovery so that I don’t have to deal with those feelings for now. I felt I owed it to our 4 year old son, to try and help his father, and I also selfishly believed that I deserved a good man, after all the shit, it was my turn to be happy, and I had chosen his…God had chosen him to lead my family, so i wasn’t going to give up on him.
How do I now not feel like I have to spend every moment feeling I have to try and prove something that never happened? I know what infidelity did to me, to my very core, I am not okay, a large part due to the fact that I still could never imagine flirting with another man, let alone having sex with them, it makes me sick, that’s how ridiculously faithful I am in my heart, and mind…that my body would never do what he was able to do to me. I have to try and tell myself, although I know it isn’t true, he doesn’t, and what if he is feeling the same way in his gut, that I feel because of actions he actually took?
Is this a life sentence? How long does reality take to set back in, or are the memories that occurred during psychosis permanent?? Is this a problem that now sits as a dark shadow over our relationship, that he must “deal with”…or is there hope that a day comes where that paranoia and delusional thinking gets exposed, and clear thinking can prove to himself that what he thought was true, never was? I want an epiphany…not just acceptance from him, I want him to know absolutely that I didn’t deserve his behaviors and that I have always been true and stood right there, I need a miracle…
I cannot picture a happy future with someone who feels they must forgive me for something that I didn’t do, that specific something being my largest daily struggle, trying not to think of that her, that woman who came like a tornado through me, she destroyed any sort of positive thinking I had started accumulating towards myself, anything good I felt I had to offer, and sense of confidence I may have built in myself when I fell in love with him, gone… the moment I realized that I wasn’t enough, over ,and over, and over again…the thought of that infidelity tears my stomach up when I have to think about it, so if some storyline is playing in his head, and he feels betrayed… if we are both that hurt, how does our story end, if sobriety doesn’t mean clear eyes on the same situation?