My boyfriend broke up with me because I told his parents he is probably using again, send me good vibes?

relapse
opiates
communication
#1

The the other day I had a falling out with my boyfriend. It was me being jealous and I told him I was wrong. During the falling out, I asked if he was using. He said “of course I have to use when I’m in a relationship with you!”. That event catapulted into him breaking up with me. Flash forward to yesterday, and he wouldn’t talk to me, blocked my number, unblocked it when he needed something, etc. I told his parents about my suspicions because I found bags in his car. His parents also financially are helping us with our new apartment we just got. He broke up with me via FB. My heart is broken. He said he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore because it’s not working and we have our own shit. I guess I should have never told his parents. But I felt like they deserved to know the reality of what was going on at the apartment. He said I’m a snitch. I told him from day 1 I have always tried to look out for him and protect him. I’ve been there for him through all the rehabs, detoxes, PHPs, IOPs, family meetings, probations, court dates, etc. I am devastated that he is willing to through away our relationship. I really wanted a future with him because I know how genuine and kind he can be. He’s lost sight of it , his whole world, and our world we have tried to build together in the past year+. His family said they can tell he’s lost his spark and that something is off. He just received two new jobs, has a girlfriend, parents, and sisters that adore him, a brand new apartment that his parents and grandmother helped furnish, etc! But, what it comes down to is his willingness to be sober.

Please send me some good vibes. I need to give him time and space and detach from situation. I need to let him know what his life is truly like without me. I feel like I can’t keep pushing for him to talk nor do I want to. The weird part is yesterday after he broke up with me via FB , he was actually texting me. His ups and downs are a reflection of his own uneasiness. I keep having to remind myself my that.

#2

You have such a solid approach to this all @stayhopeful244 thank you for sharing what’s going on and your thought process about it all.

I told him I was wrong.

Super hard to do, but our humility over how we react (even though life gets crazy with addiction in the picture, and we try our best) being able to admit when we act outside our character is one of the CRAFT: 7 Positive Communication tips and not easy to do! But in doing so opens up space for more connection and conversation.

In my experience, the more people who know what’s going on the better. And this is a huge burden to hold on our own - I know exactly what you mean and it also takes great vulnerability to be open about this:

I felt like they deserved to know the reality of what was going on at the apartment.

I can also really relate to this sentiment, and found it usually has power to cool things down:

I have always tried to look out for him and protect him.

…sorry it didn’t resonate this time, but he might come around to it. This stuff is life-threatening and if we don’t play the adult and look out for them, who will? The alternative, to just wait for rock bottom? Gah. That seems crazy.

Anyway, just trying to say I can relate, I think you are acting totally rationally and within your right mind here, and I’m sending all the love. I know how painful it is to watch someone you love act irrationally, and harm themselves.

This makes me think of the CRAFT Concept: Natural Consequences, which we cover in our Digital Course. It’s the idea that we can help our loved ones, but there are times when their feeling Natural Consequences of their hurtful behavior helps them learn how to behave better. It’s a fine line, which is why we’ll dive more into it this week live in the online meetup. Hope you will join for it! (See more details and join us HERE.)

#3

Sending good vibes! Take this time for your own self care and let him process things out. This time apart may be a blessing in disguise for him to self reflect as well.

#4

Sending good and positive vibes! You absolutely did the right thing whether he or you realize it yet. Lies and false statements and actions can only manifest into negative feelings, emotions, and behaviors within you. Addicts and alcoholics can be very resentful when others are not “co-signing” their actions and misdeeds. We alcoholics and addicts also lash out in the most petty ways possible, I.e. blocking numbers, lashing out via social media, etc. Humility is one of the most important spiritual principles that people can practice in their affairs and daily lives. Be proud you already practice this! Have faith in knowing all of these unfortunate events are all part of the process, and that he is ultimately battling a disease. Having said that, I treat individuals battling addiction as I would people battling cancer: I pray for them, and assist them in anyway possible that is not hurtful to my own well being. Ultimately, the key to unlocking the door to overcoming his disease lies within him, not within any of your actions. Sending prayers your way!

“A friend of Bill”

#5

Thank you for this! I slowly keep reminding myself it is not me, that it is him and the disease. He is still living at our apartment and I keep his parents aware of what is going on. My worst fear is that he will tell them I’m too blame in order for them to cohere with his lies. But, they agree with me in that they are tired of trying to continually aid him and support him because ultimately he keeps going back to the drug. I wholeheartedly always admit my faults to him, but this time I really feel like it is up to him to pick up the pieces. He has done a total 360 the past two days after and has made nice comments to me. Probably bc I have been keeping a significant distance and am not talking to him.

#7

Sending you good vibes and hugs!

#6

How are you doing this week @stayhopeful244 <3

#8

I’ve been there when I’ve told my boyfriend’s mom about his relapses and he got upset with me and told me that I don’t have his back. I told him I love him and support him but I refuse to enable bad behavior. We got into a very big fight about this, so I understand what you are feeling. How are you doing today? Have you guys talked recently?

#10

Thank you for this! I really appreciate it!

#11

Thank you for this ! Believe it or not they sent my BF to jail yesterday for 21 days. He has never been before. It’s unreal and a shock to me. He’s the best person I’ve ever met. The past few weeks following our fight I have really been focusing on myself and haven’t mettled in his business. But, yesterday was his court date and it resulted in the worst case scenario. I am trying to be understanding and strong. I realize that maybe this is just the wake-up call he needed to realize what I have been warning him about and why I’ve been concerned about him.

#9

Sending allll the good vibes!! It’s hard for someone struggling with addiction especially with a substance that is so powerful to come to the realization as to how much they are truly ruining themselves and their lives and truly affecting all of their loved ones around them. It’s even harder for everyone else to understand why they are doing this to themselves when they could very well have everything else going for them in life. You’re doing everything that you can and everything in a correct manner. I agree that his parents should know what’s going on in that apartment especially if they are helping pay for it. But you’re strong and caring and must truly love him because you’re still there supporting and loving him through all of this pain and hurt he’s putting you through and I’m sure with love that strong he’s able to break free and realize what he has and stop taking you and his own life for granted. You just have to keep being the lightning in his storm and keep being patient as this is such a hard long process and battle but keep at it and stay strong to fight for your love and what you believe in but never forget your own self care and self worth ever!

#12

Thank you I have been trying to really focus on myself this week. Keep up with my therapy appts, push myself to journal, go to the gym, etc. Really anything that will help my mind stop from wandering! It has helped big time.