forewarning, this is a very long in depth read I am 32yrs old and have been with my fiancé (who is 40) for 11yrs and we have 1 child together (we have been engaged for the past 9yrs 
and have yet to actually get married). When I first met him in 2008 he was in a men’s rehabilitation program for a domestic violence charge (yay, red flags right off the bat, right??) But “no big deal” because I myself at the time was addicted to meth and running the streets, so to me he was doing great as he had been in the program for 8 months and appeared to have his life together much more than myself (older man, hero-mode…I was instantly hooked)…long story short, he ended up leaving that program that next week so that we could be together (I was infatuated by that “romantic gesture… Gosh, young me was so DUMB) But instantly things started to go downhill (yet tremendously small in comparison to recent events, that “downhill” was a miniscule anthill), he immediately began drinking and smoking weed, got arrested for skipping out on that court ordered program (the first month of our relationship was thru glass at the country jail)…once he was released we moved in together 
it was honestly fantastic actually, this man made me feel like a god and did EVERYTHING for me (bathed me, showered me with roses and jewelry, took me out to dinner multiple times weekly, spoke the finest of words to me that just made me melt) two months into our relationship and I was deeply head over heals in love, hooked like no other…then one night after drinking and getting pretty buzzed, but not drunk, he starts yelling in my face that I’m a fcking btch,etc,etc,etc and then starts choking me till I pass out, then I wake up to him saying he’s sorry…then the romance started again, even more than before, the love got stronger and 3 months in we found out we were pregnant… Together in the bathroom looking at the pregnancy tester, it shows positive and as I turn to look at him with joy and excitement on my face, I get hit with a huge blow to my face (literally) as he punches me and grabs my hair and begins wacking my head against the bathtub, yelling vulgar curse words and how I “trapped him”…then he runs out of the house and doesn’t return till the next day, all the while showering me with gifts, apologizes, and baby clothes and the promise to be a great father 
I wasn’t buying the B.S. that time and called the cops and had him arrested…he ended up doing 6 months in prison for that and I spent that half of my pregnancy alone. He began to write to me constantly from prison and for the first 5 months I didn’t respond, until the 6th month, we ended up making plans to reunite upon his release, and did just that when it was time. From that point on he was a changed man and to this day has not laid a hand on me, he spent the last few months of my pregnancy going to every single doctors appointment, ultrasound, etc and once our baby was born he was %100 present, it was amazing, he changed diapers, bottle fed thru the night so I could sleep, cared for the baby in the mornings so I could sleep in, etc…but the thing that never changed was his complete unemployment and desire to run the streets and hang out with his “homies” and do who knows what (I never asked, as long as he came back and was good to me and our daughter)…sadly he’s had a rough life and didn’t have parents and has been running the streets since he was 8yrs old!
-That was just the first year of our relationship, a lot of bad, but also there was a lot of greatness and loving memories, and he has never laid a hand on me since then. Also I forgot to mention, once I got pregnant I got off meth and I have never touched that or any substance since.
So anyway, fast forward to 2014 is when I started noticing changes, him becoming increasingly distant, and when confronted, he’d give absolutely no explanation or he’d begin to get upset and defensive (and I’d get flashbacks of when he used to lay hands on me so I never pressed the issue and just pretended like everything was fine so he wouldn’t get angry), this was a guy that use to call me 30 times a day when we weren’t in each others company, and that went down to ZERO, somehow the growing distance began turning into sporadic disappearing acts where he’d disappear for hours on end, then that turned into days on end, then into months! and because of my fear of asking him, I’d be left having to call his mom to see if he was at her house, which was ever about a %30 chance, or be stuck not knowing where he was or if he was out on the streets with his “homies” or dead or with another woman or who knows and there was nothing I could do about it but wait till he came home to me, and when he did I was just so glad he was home that I’d never even talk about his being gone and just acted like everything was normal. So from 2014 to this year it’s just gotten worse, with his most recent disappearing acts that turned into 2½years straight where I didn’t see or hear from him for that long, I had gotten wind that he was homeless, so for 3 months straight everyday, in a city of more than 600,000 people I drove up and down every nook and cranny looking for him, until one day in November (2018) by miracle, I found him laying behind an abandoned wearhouse. He was a skeleton, completely sucked up, teeth missing, long matted up hair and sun bleached leather skin and so very VERY dirty and smelled entirely of urine and trash…I finally asked him the question I was always afraid to ask but it was very obvious at this point “are you using Meth?”, he admitted to it but then retracted, then admitted again. Thus began this new journey from November to today, of trying to save the man I love. But now the new him is so foreign and confusing to me, he’s told me that he doesn’t love me, he wants nothing to do with me or our daughter, that he doesn’t want or need help, that he doesn’t have a drug problem, that he’s just out there trying to have " fun” and party…but then on the other hand he’ll tell me that he loves me and please don’t leave him, that he needs me…and I’ll reassure him that I’m here for him as I’ve always been…and then instantly he’ll change personalities and start saying mean things again and that he doesn’t need me, that he can “live without a btch", that I’m trying to trap him to see him weak and exploit his love for me…then when he says that, he’ll add in " well too bad because I don’t even fcking love you b*tch, go exploit someone else”. He tells me that he hears voices in his head of me laughing at him and calling him names and putting him down, that I put black magic on him and that I’m setting him up…just super paranoid, which I understand because of the drug use and I’ve always kind of suspected that he may have paranoid schizophrenia as well, but I’m not a doctor and he has never taken the steps to go to counseling or anything for a mental health checkup… But the fact of that he is so hateful and cruel to me lately when I’ve NEVER called him a name or put him down, all I ever do is tell him positive things and devote so much time to him and being there for him, I don’t understand why he’s treating me this way, and now all he does is say he’ll call me, and yet it’ll be 2 weeks without a call, or he’ll say he wants to see me and to meet me somewhere so I go and sit for hours where he said to meet and he never shows up, he does this all the time now, not showing up and not calling…no one else in his family wants anything to do with him, I’m literally all he has left (of positive influences)…so last month he calls me and starts yelling at me, saying that I’m having him followed, and that he’s done with me and don’t I dare go looking for him…and that was the last I’ve heard of him…and since then I literally feel like I am dying, this is a man I’ve loved for many years and have a daughter with and am still in love with him and care about him tremendously… But I am lost as to what to do, people say to give him space and let him hit rock bottom and he’ll come back, but as I’ve seen in the past when I DID give him space, it only got worse…and the times where I stuck with him he got better…so I’m scared to give him space even though that’s clearly what he’s vocalizing… But I don’t believe it, because when I’ve given him space in the past, he’s told me that he hated it and wanted me to “chase after him”… So I just don’t know what to do at all. I’ve tried space, no space, love, tough love,etc talking to him and letting him talk, etc and he’s not doing anything to change himself or his life and is completely content with being at rock bottom, it breaks my heart that not even our child is enough to motivate him. I’m just so drained and sick lately with the feeling that I’ll never hear from him again and that he’s gonna die out there, plus there’s absolutely no way for me to get ahold of him since he’s homeless and has no phone, and it’s pointless for me to go out looking for him, not only is this a huge city but he’s extremely paranoid and if he knows I know a spot he’s staying at, he’ll relocated to another random spot in the city. What am I supposed to do, he’s clearly reluctant to helping himself or getting help, and is hellbent on pushing me away. It hurts so bad to think that he truly doesn’t love me or our child anymore… I cannot figure out why, especially of the fact that I’ve been nothing but good to him, and if I was on drugs still and the tables were turned I’d accept his help and not push him away like he has to me. I’m confused and at a loss, and cannot understand why all the things he’s done to me (cheating,lying,name calling), he deny, and says that that wasn’t him, that it was me, that I was the one who did those things (even though it was him)… help!
Also I’ve noticed that he seems to have an intense fear of intimacy and fear of love, being loved or giving love and being rejected… Recently when we’ve had moments that were amazing and loving, that’s when he flipped the switch and gets super hostile and begins pushing me away to the extreme… Also a few times I had finally convinced him to come over to my apartment to eat and shower up, and we began to be intimate and within like 30 seconds he jumped up and started cussing me out and then ran over to a corner, curled up in a ball and was rocking back and forth, I tried to comfort him and he just starting flailing himself all over the ground crying and screaming (just as a traumatized child would), it was very heartbreaking and scary).
-I think I’ll stop there at this point of typing, if you’ve read this far I really appreciate it and please leave me some feedback if you can relate, have any answers or anything. Thank you! !
My fiancé of 11yrs is now homeless and heavily addicted to meth and refuses to get help, accept help, or help himself. What do I do when there is no rock bottom?
Thank you for sharing all of that @ACSC101, you’ve certainly been through A LOT and it’s really brave to share your story here and seek help/guidance/support. Just to keep safety in mind: If you ever feel you are in danger, or he is a danger to himself and/or others, please call the local authorities or go to your local police station. The safety of you and your daughter are of utmost importance.
According to the DSM V, the following are some features of Stimulant Use Disorder: Aggressive or violent behavior is common when high doses are smoked, ingested, or administered intravenously. Intense temporary anxiety resembling panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder, as well as paranoid ideation and psychotic episodes that resemble schizophrenia, is seen with high dose use…Chaotic behavior, social isolation, aggressive behavior, and sexual dysfunction can result from long-term stimulant use disorder.
The above can explain his mood swings, outbursts, paranoia, and aggression. But just because these behaviors are seen when people are using meth, it doesn’t ease what you are going through. I will say that he is most likely not in a mental state where he can understand any consequences or adequately assess any situation he is presented with, I wrote a bit about brain chemistry in active addiction in this post that you can check out.
I agree with the advice and words @jfh and @katie provided above, and I guess I’m wondering at this point, what do you realistically want to have happen?
It’s important to take a look at what your needs are. I encourage you to do this simple exercise to try and find where your primary focus is at this time, and perhaps answer the above question.
Rate each of these on a scale of 1 - 5, 1 being the least important, 5 being the most important
I want to help my loved one attain abstinence 1 2 3 4 5
I want to relieve my own emotional distress 1 2 3 4 5
I want to get my loved one into treatment 1 2 3 4 5
I want to learn how to support my loved ones sobriety and treatment 1 2 3 4 5
I want to increase my loved ones motivation for change 1 2 3 4 5
Something else 1 2 3 4 5
Whichever get’s the highest score is most likely your priority in this moment and a good place to start. Having a starting point makes the entire experience and history seem less overwhelming, because you can build on whatever next steps you take.
Please let me know if I can help any more, we’re here for you. 
It broke my heart to read your story… I’m almost crying (literally) Reading your story I saw a lot of myself and my relationship (less the meth and physical abuse). I might be harsh but JUST STOP! It might be love but is not!! you are trapped in the fantasy that he will be good like before but he has made his choice! Let him go, he will come back if he wants to. Love is mutual, and it starts by loving yourself. Think about your daughter too… what she is seeing, perceiving as a “relationship” as love… She is the most important person right now. You are not weak, you have overcome so many things, but also you are trapped and don’t want to see the light like your fiancé. Sometimes the hardest part is to admit that the other person is not what once had. Addictions are cruel and selfish but it also a personal choice when to get out of it. Is ok to give it all but is not ok to loose one-self on the other person. A relationship is supposed to be the love for each other shared to one another. You must love yourself and share that love with someone who wants it and cares for it, treasure it like is the most delicate and beautiful gem. Because that is it. If you let go then many possibilities can happen but do not focus on the future, focus on the now! because NOW is when you are alive, NOW is when your daughter needs you, projects herself in you. We as girls the first woman we see as a role model are our mother(most of the time) and how we perceive love, affection and relationships is how we see those around us, specially parents, how they treat each other, what they say to each other. You need to find support for yourself and your fiancé needs to find the one he needs for himself. He is his own individual, his own owner, the choices he makes are only his. Once you focus on you everything will go better, remember all wounds heal, as long as we let them close and heal. I think you are an incredible, loving person with an incredible ability to love, you deserve the same amount of support and love. I hope you find the answers you are seeking and don’t get lost in someone else. <3 <3 <3
Wow, I’m so sorry @ACSC101. I cannot even pretend to imagine what this is like for you - I am not the partner of someone struggling with substance use, nor a parent.
I agree with @jfh, though. The example you set for your daughter right now is of utmost importance - makes me think of this post, about pain getting passed down through families.
You are a strong woman for standing by and caring for your fiance for all these years. I applaud you, and it’s no wonder you feel “so drained and sick lately.” My encouragement is to take care of you and your gorgeous girl because the quality of support you’re able to give depends on the quality of life you’re experiencing for yourself.
Your well-being and quality of life set an example for your fiance and your daughter. When you’re suffering, your ability to help someone else is lessened, and you also reinforce to that person that life is hard. Your actions speak loudly - both to your fiance and your daughter.
What is one small thing you can do for yourself today/tomorrow (whenever you read this) to take care of yourself?
Also inviting Village Coach @erica to weigh in here.
Thinking of you. 
Thanks for sharing @ACSC101 I know how crazy life can get when substances are involved - literally like things we see in the movies become reality.
How did it feel to get that out? Please keep sharing with us here.
I love what’s been said already about 1. taking care of you, 2. zoning in on what your goal is here so @erica can work through that with you, and what I’m feeling is that your fiance has a lot of work to do to ‘recover’ (for lack of a better word).
You can be part of that if you want to be. And that you can be part of it in a small (like send a nice message once a month to tell him you know that underneath it all he is good and deserving of love) or big way - whatever you choose is perfect and it may change over time too.
Just from my experience with my husband’s recovery - it takes years to heal and develop healthy coping habits where there weren’t any before and the more support the better. So the more support he has outside of you the better too. I wonder how we might get him more support? Recovery coach? Etc. He’s going to need it to heal and be any kind of present with you.