My husband is using cocaine and other drugs, but I don't believe it's my fault?

cocaine
relationship

#1

Hi my husband has recently started mixing cocaine and Xanax together which worries me a lot. Been together 12 years married 4 and he has always done drugs since I met him. He is a social user for cocaine and does it the weekends and get Xanax as well. During the week his mood is so down and he snaps easily then apologises 10 mins later. He said tonight after I was upset again and said I was leaving that he was no longer happy and it’s best I do leave, yet last week thanked me for continuing to have a go at him when he does it and it’s slowly working but it’s not. He has a really good job and is the best person ever when he isn’t on it and on a comedown. I don’t believe it is my fault that he is taking it as he was doing it when I met him so I’m not sure what to do. Iv asked him to get help and he refusing tonight and said he won’t stop drugs make him happy. I love him and don’t want to lose him but if he isn’t happy with me then ok but I don’t believe I’m the reason as he has always done it. I just don’t want to find him dead some day


#2

Hi @Cat2022 thanks for sharing what you’ve been going through with us here. Sorry for the delayed reply! We are not responsible for their use. Like any habit, it can be hard to change, and when it comes to substances it can be even harder because of the way they make people feel so intensely and a dependence can be created. We can influence a shift towards healthy behaviors over time, and change and healing can happen slowly. I’m wondering how things are going today?


#3

Hi @Cat2022 - Thanks for sharing here. It’s been a while since you last posted - how are things going today?

You’re right - it’s not your fault that he’s using. You didn’t cause, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it, either.

Did he say he isn’t happy with you, or just that drugs make him happy? I’ve lived with my husband in active addiction and through recovery, and one thing I’ve learned is to not take his behaviors personally. He was using way before he met me, too, and for reasons that were beyond me. It wasn’t that he was unhappy with me, he was unhappy with himself. And because he never learned how to cope with hard feelings in a healthy way, he used to numb the pain.

It’s so hard when they’re in active addiction with no end in sight. But there’s always hope. What helped me was taking steps to take care of myself. I was so wrapped up in his pain, his misery, his addiction that I forgot how to love myself. Doing this was the first step toward my healing and gave me the space and clarity I needed to start making decisions about our relationship, and what I needed in a healthy marriage. Are there ways you can take care of yourself today?

Keep us updated! You’re not alone.


#4

ELP! I AM HEARTBROKEN AND BEEN REACHING OUT FOR MONTHS FOR PERSPECTIVE. I tried to write on another video- long long story short- dated a man who supported me while i stopped drinking (did not know he was actively using opiods)- after, I clearly helped/ fought for his life for him- encouraged NA, reached out to a friend of his that was in it even though I knew he would be pissed- long story he joined and had been doing better- due to other issues infidelity, etc,and refusing to go away , he stayed with his Mom, who was aroudn all the time I guess to “monitor him/care/feed/make life a bit easier while he recovered”. For a year and a half, I held down our rented apartment overlooked many hidden relapses(that his Mom knew about while he was there). LONG winded fast forward: 1.5 years of ‘supporting’, he has left me, statingthat him returning to “this environment’ is not good for him (understand that however I only wanted the truth and NEVER mattered to me if he relapsed, I JUST wanted honesty to start building trust… he wanted my trust issues to just go away I guess and right under my nose, while convincing me “YES I AM HAPPY STOP ASKING GEEZ I WILL TELL U IF I AM NOT!”… he left. He sought “counselling” which he hid from me (from a spiritual advisor which is great but hurtful as I had wanted to also do something similar as well as us both having individual. He hid this ‘female’ (a client of his) that did Reiki, QiGong, etc. After I found that he had been deleting their communication, he left. She isnt with him if you are wondering, she has 4 kids and a bf etc- he basically said " I am not being good to u”. bla bla…so now, he just bailed. I GET that he should work on HIM, but is this normal for someone who started to recover to do to someone who stuck by them>>??? Now he is void of emotion, and I can tell just from phone calls he is more mature, more focused. However, right up until the day this happened, it was “Yeah I am happy!” I have major betrayal trauma from this and other things and I am crumbling- I don;t get the mind set. I feel like I was good enough only to be with him with he was :sick;,. I am a teacher, have a great career, have been sober 2 years (stopped drinking for myself and us) and he saws this.


#5

First of all, I want to say that understand how you feel. I too have severe betrayal trauma and have been in treatment for it for almost a year. My boyfriend is an alcoholic, drug addict, and sex & pornography addict I began to discover the signs of this 6 months into our relationship. He’s in recovery now for all of his addictions and we’re now going on 2 years together. You can’t control what he decides but you can definitely heal and gain so much strength from this, whether he changes his mind about the relationship or not.
There is a fellowship called Infidelity Survivors Anonymous that helps partners deal with the betrayal trauma (a form of PTSD) that comes with being a partner (or the former partner) of someone who has committed sexual infidelity. I have received so much needed support there.
The website is isurvivors.org.


#6

Thank you @kira for sharing here.

^^love this and so true. Sending love. :heart:


#8

Yea it sounds like he’s still active in addiction. Betrayal is so painful. The worst pain I’ve experienced in my life. My boyfriend was having an emotional affair, and he was also seeing prostitutes. It’s the lies and deceit that have hurt the most.
Finding a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist that treated betrayal trauma through IITAP.org (and through APSATS) was so helpful for me. And lots and lots of ISA meetings.
Keep looking for help, and take good care of yourself. You were made to love and to be loved. I had to start loving myself better, learn to set boundaries, and trust that whether the relationship lasted or did not, I would be ok and God would direct my paths. That he wanted me to be loved and not mistreated. He has put so many people in my path to help me and I’ve made so many new friends. Look for those helpers.
My boyfriend did choose recovery but if he ever decides he doesn’t want it anymore, I will know what to do and I know I will be ok without him. I know I am made for more.
Check out the Helping Couples Heal podcast, I found useful information there. WeTonglen is also a members only website for women who have been betrayed.


#7

Oh my goodness thank you very much for answering. So just a warning- it’s going to be a bit lengthy because I’m so excited somebody actually acknowledged my question. I haven’t had anybody help me except for a couple counsellors I did not find them effective and I stopped. I recently came across a betrayal trauma specialist so I am seeing her now and hopefully it works. Also please excuse the grammar as I’m too lazy to fix everything.

I will give you some backstory and then try to make it Point form after that
. When he first met me I came out of a very very abusive abusive relationship- physical mental Etc T.he relationship I had with this new guy named Dan was nothing like that but I did so have my drinking issues which he helped me through as he had told me he had had addiction issues in the past. The thing is, I did not realize that he was actively using at the time even during times he was stressing that I go get help and that perhaps I needed to go away.It got to the point after 2 years of me playing games and just lying having drank/hiding bottlesvg ONLY about he got fed up and said I had to go and put my name on a list and go away or he was gone- my parents were also getting to That point. Long story short I just quit on my own while on a wait list and it’s been 2 years. Therefore I am the opposite of an enabler and actually after many many years of also nonstop trying to get my career in order because no through no fault of my own I finally landed my dream job. Therefore I would think he would look at me as though I was anything but an example and survivor -not one to look at as though they tempted him to use.

The thing that frustrates me is that we did have clear communication and constantly it was the letdowns NOT just to do with with drugs as I always told him that I would never leave him if he Relapsedbut I would eventually leave him if he kept lying both about a relapse or conversations that were inappropriate with women excetera. Each time he really convinced me that he fully understood what it did to me in that he was willing to change his behaviour.

I am an intuitive empath and I’m just realizing more of my gift now but I constantly always had feelings that he wasn’t happy because when things were going good and I would hear about his successful week that his mom’s you would come here and basically play around and eat junk and stuff and I was very concerned and I kept pressing him to it she would get angry and tell me to stop at if he was unhappy he would let me know if stop it fast forward to a day or so before my birthday when this all happened and again I had that feeling and I told him that emotionally after covid and everything else I would not be able to mostly handle one more betrayal one more stab in the back one more conversation one more relapse he had for me and that he truly seemed unhappy to me and if he was he could definitely leave you please just tell me. I begged him and told him that seriously he would not want to see what would happen if I found out anything after this conversation and knowing that he is fully lied to me knowing that we had this conversation. well I’m sure you can understand what has happened now and how devastated I am .
just as a side note as well he was staying with his mom during all of these times a year and a half I sat and waited for him here while he would only come on weekends because his mom didn’t work and they both decided it would be better she could have a constant eye on him and she’s also Italian which means that he is a huge mama’s boy and it seemed to be working out in his favour…
I noticed changes in him and we even started having sex again because he wasn’t hyper and Annoying In My Eyes he would talk with calmness and Clarity and I could tell that he was getting better which turns me on even more but then everything changed and I have no idea don’t get me wrong we would argue and things when he would come on the weekends but that was simply because his eyes would be rolling back in his header all these things would be telling me that something wasn’t right and that he probably used the one I would ask him and really call me say listen you can tell me he would flip out obviously. slowly it became that it wasn’t only about the drugs it was about or me thinking he was on drugs it was about him nitpicking things when he would come over on the weekends. I got back into my heart as a healthy coping strategy and he would start telling me that he couldn’t stand the spring Sparkles being everywhere excetera excetera it’s like he always was trying to put me down and that was not like him at all.

Also to note during the time I was constantly in an insecure state here in there asking him for reassurance that he was happy and he was doing okay with his recovery all of which he would suggest that yes he was if not being annoyed that I continue to ask him that I should know that he’s okay.
I guess my long-winded question is - is this something that you think is very well thought-out or you honestly think that you just did not want to be in the situation anymore. I can understand that but I guess the price of a struggle it is how I feel I don’t even speak to him you know if it really wasn’t me and you didn’t lose feelings for me as a person and actually valued what I did for you including helping to save your life literally meaning on the ambulance when I walked in and saw him on the ground this is the kind of trauma I had to deal with and again I was going to deal with it but you kept disrespecting me and I didn’t even have a chance after your permit for myself whether or not I wanted to stay because obviously any time I thought something was up he was ghastly and get my Angry not even like him so I assumed that I was just wrong because he didn’t really play games like that at least I didn’t think you did.
frustrated because we didn’t get around to it because I tend to procrastinate and so does he but my main goal of the end of days start going to couples therapy. So imagine my shock when I found out on my birthday on May 1st that he had been exchanging messages of his cousin about someone named Tammy and how he had relapsed and something something he told me he was going to be talking to me shortly and telling me things. It was very big but I knew that he had deleted the messages to that pic of a girl because I couldn’t find another promise that we had she had me to be no more hiding things even if he thinks I’m going to get mad one truth will put me to 10 steps ahead while 1 lines I will put in 30 steps. I think there’s a I get very upset when I think about what he’s saying to me now I feel like I’m saying that much damage has been done blah blah blah blah blah it would be got lazy trying to convince me that you know one was I ever going to trust him and I kept telling him not enough time has passed and he would always get frustrated and now he’s turned it into what he thinks that too much damage has been done all the wild for about a month he was seeing that girl who spiritual counsellor so she was talking to him about his problems with me on the way to Justin meditation all that kind of stuff which is great and fantastic

  • all the way up until I found those texts and then he use that as a reason to so what if I can use it as an example to show me why it’s not working and how he’s continuing to be sick and you can’t get better here. Personally I feel himself but as much as I want to just be able to stay after and walk away it’s been very hard because I’m not one that can really do that well enough to understand. Don’t get me wrong he does still say he loves me and he knows because it’s hard on me and I will give him I will give him the fact that he had he did spend most of the summer catering to my panic attacks listening in. Try and trying to explain things over and over again to me each time I just feel like I’m not even sure if he’s telling you the truth. also add end to that the fact that now according to him and I can actually tell by his voice he’s getting up at 6:30 a.m. everyday to do is recovery work he’s going to meetings regularly at the gym he’s got his credit under control you know and all the while I know that we were not good back then but I just feel very slighted because I feel like you know there’s nothing being said that even in the future even if it’s 10 years there has not been until I mentioned it to him any regard for you know wow if I was single still he would want me back because I’m just great and there’s nothing wrong with me as she always said it was a him thing but to me that’s not really what he’s saying and he’s saying that you have court to talk to Billy but he’s also saying that he wants me to focus on myself and it’s almost as though he wants me to kind of just forget about him get overtime because it surely seems like he’s over me. This is crazy to think that even on my birthday I’m going to the party gave me for my birthday and what was written inside but then he tells me that you know eventually he was close to not wanting to break up with me but was realizing it it had my head come to realize it however I really think that he was conditions by the people at Narcotics Anonymous to view me as a trigger which is completely unfair I just simply was stuck up in the mix of it and also spiritual person who as I found out is not a very trustworthy woman and tends to do this with men but again it’s his life choices she can’t make him do anything
    I guess my question was there just Behavior seemed normal because everything I’ve heard of the attic it seems completely backward. Don’t get me wrong I’m very glad he’s better but it’s very bittersweet because I cried thinking you know basically the more he gets better copy and paste basically saying yeah look she’s not in my legs gosh now everything is going way better now that he’s doing anything I’m the one injecting myself into his life as a friend it’s not him calling me to brag or anything
    I just wish I knew if I was played or you know where this all came from how 1 minute he was sitting there telling me that he regretted that we weren’t able to both be healthy as those people and I thought that’s what we were doing and then the next thing I know here we are with him saying oh we were so bad love love yeah well you certainly weren’t that bad if you were still here trying to listen if he’s not with that girl and he’s not interested in her

It really bothers me that the current time he does take responsibility and said that he was the reason for most of the end it breaking down but he still will say things like we just weren’t good together or the environment or we were toxic and it really bothers me that him and everyone else seems to be convinced of the story instead of him having to take responsibility that the elephant in the room that he had to leave because he was going to die he was telling about which by default impacted my behaviour towards him was a perfect? No. All he keeps saying right now is that I need to work on myself and I should have been working on myself back then he doesn’t give me credit for being so weird because he says I didn’t do the work which I didn’t I stopped on my own but he’s saying that I didn’t kill from my past traumas before handle all of this is relevant of course and it’s true but in the grand scheme of what we’re dealing with how could he bring all that in when it’s really about the fact that he ruined some stuff but here I am and I was still willing to try and now all the sudden he’s turning around and acting like it was bad the whole time blah blah blah almost like he’s trying to convince me. None of this makes sense you have any logical explanation that you think for any of it that is what I’m basically looking for because my brain does not work for anything else I have left him alone and he does want to be friends but I am taking some space for myself finally I feel like I’ve been a stalker the whole summer and it’s made me feel more pathetic


#9

what exactly does a betrayal trauma therapist do? i ask because im all new to this, the finally opening up part, this is a great place to ask questions, so thankful for this site. Last year i was betrayed by my boyfriend, he says he never slept with the girl, but i dont believe him, at the time he was sober and we were supposed to get married in 2 months, he started hanging out with a 20 year old coworker and he was 54 at the time, i found many texts on his phone and calls that werent coworker friendly, i ended up kicking him out, sending him to his mom, eventually he relapsed, but was still hanging out with this girl, i found pictures and videos on his phone a month later, 3 weeks before wedding date, i have been heart broken since, all he said was sorry and let it go, how can you let it go?? til this day i havent received any closure because if i bring it up to gert closure he leaves, hes been clean for over a month and still refuses to talk about it.


#10

Hi Kira,
Can I ask why you would think active addiction still even though he seems very different and just based on other things- I know he has made huge strides.