Alright you guys, I need some help. So I’m still going to give my fiance an ultimatum but with the CRAFT process in mind. So my situation is this, she’s still actively using, lying and stealing from me. I’ve played that game for too long and invested too much into helping her, I can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to change. So my plan is to tell her basically that if you steal from me, refuse to communicate and lie one more time after I try to reach out to you then we are taking a break until you choose to get all this under control. I believe that sounds fair. So what i need help with though is the correct approach, how to word it according to the CRAFT method. Advice?
Non traditional ultimatum - how to communicate it?
erica
#2
I’m going to try and get creative here and try and implement a CRAFT communication exercise.
I hear you want to say something along the lines of:
“If you steal from me, refrain from communicating with me, and/or continue to be dishonest with me when I try and reach out to you to see how you’re doing then I need to take a break from this relationship until I see some positive changes.”
Is it brief? I’d say yes, it is!
Is it positive? Here we’re looking at the wording, because words and tone can be harsh, it’s important to be mindful of the wording. Perhaps starting with “This is how I view our situation” and ending with “Let’s see where we can go from here” could be ways of being positive while getting your point across.
Are you referring to specific behaviors? Yes! Vague requests can often get lost in translation, so being specific is super helpful. You can also add something like, “It would really take a lot of anxiety and pressure of of me if you would consider what I’m about to say”.
Are you labeling your feelings? These should be brief and in stated in a non accusatory way. @Dean_Acton you’ll have to insert what your feelings are but I’m thinking, “I’m concerned about your well being and mine, and I worry when you don’t communicate with me or are dishonest”.
Are you offering an understanding statement? We can work on this and I want to emphasize that understanding doesn’t mean you agree with her actions! “I can see why it can be hard for you to be honest with me because you may be ashamed, but I’m here to support you”.
Have you accepted partial responsibility? This communicates to her that you’re in this together and despite setting the boundary, you want to remain connected. An example I can take from what you mentioned is “It’s hard for me to communicate too sometimes”.
Finally, have you offered to help? Simply saying “How can I help” could be enough, however I see you want to set a harder boundary of taking a break, “I want to help you and be supportive without condoning your negative and/or using behaviors”.
Putting it all together: “This is how I view our situation. When you steal from me, refrain from communicating with me, and/or continue to be dishonest with me when I try and reach out to you to see how you’re doing it concerns me and makes me anxious. The concern is for your well being as well as mine, and I’m quite burnt out. I can see why it could be difficult for you to be honest because you may be afraid to share with me, but ultimately I want to support you. This isn’t easy, and it’s hard for me to communicate how I’m feeling at times, as well as be stricter in setting boundaries. I want to help you and be supportive without condoning your negative and/or using behaviors, so I’m going to have to take a step back from the relationship if it happens again in order to protect myself.”
Look this over and make sure it’s right for you! If you want to fine tune it, go ahead, I’m not you so I can’t put words in your mouth (although I did try 
)! Practice and prepare to deliver this message to her, consider your timing, ask permission to have a conversation, and if you can think of any obstacles or barriers that will get in the way of getting your point across or delivering this message, try and address those obstacles and barriers (either on your own or here)!
I started this response by saying I was going to get creative with this activity, and if this doesn’t work for you find words that do! Would love to hear feedback, and if you have any questions, feel free to respond here or send me a message directly!
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.
Dean_Acton
#5
I’m going to use this to go off of, most like word for word, hopefully tonight. I’m definitely much more confident now - still a little nervous, of course. I’m hoping it goes over well. This really covered all the bases for any of my doubts, it’s such a huge huge help and thank all you guys for the help and support, I really do appreciate it 
.
Julie_Smith
#3
I’m so sorry that you and your fiance are going through these very difficult times, @Dean_Acton .
Is there someone else who has been a witness of what is happening who might be able to give some additional feedback around behaviors to your fiancé? Or a counselor? It would take some of the subjectivity out of the process so she could not interpret it as he-said, she-said.
Is there a specific treatment you would be able to recommend for her? If we are talking about heroin, there is a real risk she could overdose and die, so your concern is very well founded. It is not just her behaviors, which are concerning in themselves, but her life that is at risk. I’m not trying to put more stress on you, but I am the mom of a young man with a heroin problem, and it’s important to be realistic about the possible consequences of this drug. She should have Narcan on hand and never use alone. I know these are really tough areas to discuss.
Lead off with how much you love her and how concerned you are over both of your well-being, and how your mutual health and that of the relationship is suffering.
katie
#6
This is awesome @erica! This communication checklist is seriously helpful - and a good reminder to label our feelings (“I feel worried when you don’t communicate”) without placing blame for our feelings (“You make me feel worried when you don’t communicate”).
@Dean_Acton Please keep us posted! We want to support you through whatever outcome. 
polly
#4
Another idea to add here - asking our loved one’s to come up with the solutions / outcomes can be really helpful because it engages them to think and commit. So using @erica’s script however feels right to you then asking something like “I really feel I’m reaching my limit with these (behaviors x / y / z) what do you think we / I should do if they continue to happen?”
Though, as @Julie_Smith mentioned, being on heroin itself is likely a driving force behind some of these behaviors and has it’s own issues and implications.
Sending <3 and let us know how you get on with this, or what your updated thinking is @Dean_Acton