Rebuilding trust

#1

I screwed up and I emailed my list of struggles with my relationship…basically listed all the effects using leads to in a relationship (gaslighting, lies, emotional unavailability, stonewalling) after a big fight with my person with a substance abuse disorder.
I asked for 30 days no contact while I sort out how I’m feeling.
He has since blocked me, and there hasn’t been contact.
Last August he broke off our engagement, sold our shared house and moved out of state to recover from his drug of choice. My gut says he isn’t/hasn’t been sober.
Any suggestions to rebuild trust and safety?
I realize that my method of communicating was extremely detrimental in a situation like this.

How do I support his sobriety and also my own needs?
#2

This is a draft email I put together …may send it as a letter also. Would love some feedback!
Hey you!

I hope this email finds you well :two_hearts:

I recognize I didn’t show up how I wanted to during the storage unit situation, when you called to talk, and with the email I sent. I’m sorry for not hearing you, holding resentment, and for being so caught up in self.

I felt really depleted and I needed time to recoup so I could show up more open and available.

Thank you for respecting my need for space.
You are such a loving and understanding man.

I know I find it hard to restore connection after a fight. What do you think I could do to rebuild trust?

#3

Your gut tells you he is still lying about sobriety. You shared how you are affected and asked for space. .Have you considered that if you take the 30 days without contact you may get the clarity you need to figure out your next steps. He could have respected your need for space but instead he did not own any of the issues you have and instead chose to block you. Perhaps it’s time to find a new relationship instead of blaming yourself for having boundaries.

#4

I completely hear you. Rightly or wrongly, my initial response after reading your message is a feeling that I don’t want to ‘give up’. I am taking the 30 days and pouring into self care. This is the first week I haven’t cried uncontrollably, so I know it’s what I needed. Watching the effects of addiction on a person you love is one of the most painful processes. In 2022, I made a commitment to myself to stand by him, and it feels like betrayal to not keep fighting/reaching out/letting him know I care. I would love to be there if/when he gets his miracle. Perhaps I’m still trying to control underneath it all….
I appreciate your input, definitely a perspective to consider. I don’t know what I’m doing.

#5

It’s great to see you here @rltybites!

I think what you are doing now - taking 30 days and pouring into self care - is the right track to rebuilding trust. I believe trusting in yourself is the first step in trusting others. Unfortunately, lying is a part of addiction. When in active addiction, our loved ones will do anything, including lie, to protect their substance use. They may also be lying because they’re ashamed. Giving my loved one a safe space to tell the truth, and not get mad about slips or using, helped us have a more open and honest connection.

Here are some conversations in the Village Community on trust that you may find helpful:

When finding it hard to trust, do I stay or leave?
I love him but do I trust him again?
How do you forgive and rebuild trust?

#6

Thank you Jacqui for the helpful resources!
“I believe trusting in yourself is the first step in trusting others”
Beautiful insight. This really resonates with me today. I think deep down I am struggling to trust myself not to abandon myself. Through the addiction I stopped standing for me…and purely focused on my partner and his issues.
One day at a time…I will get back to me.
So glad to be a part of this community. :two_hearts:

#7

I think the real issue is rebuilding trust in myself. My ex has cut off all contact with me and harbors deep resentments regarding how much judgement,selfishness and anger he felt from me in our final interactions. Having me in his life is no longer his vision. I am heartbroken and dealing with overcoming deep shame for the character I showed. I did not practice pause in my state of panic, and i passed all my stored up hurts from the addiction onto him so he would know how bad I hurt. It’s a sad reality I must face and learn from. In some way I wanted to feel validated for how difficult it was watching him spiral…feel some sort of remorse from him. See an honest investment in us. I completely lost my emotional sobriety and with it, our relationship. Sad weeks while healing, but I trust it will get easier. Looking for anyone who can relate. Some days it feels too much to handle.

#8

It will! How has the last week been?

We are all just trying our best with the resources we have available to us. How have you been taking care of yourself during this time? What are ways that you can identify your needs and fill your cup? And in what ways have you learned about addiction specifically? The Resources section of the site has some posts on recommended books and podcasts that you might find helpful. Or, if you’ve been doing your own reading, please add your own recommendations!