I’m in love more than I’ve ever been before but it hurts so much. I met him after he got sober for the first time. He lives in Seattle, I’m in Nashville. He was sober for six weeks before relapsing and eventually going back. During that time, I stayed up practically every night talking to him. When he went to rehab, I wrote him a card practically every day and he wrote me long letters back. I love the way he looks at the world, who he is, the nuances that he sees. But I also recognize the unresolved wounds that are not mine to fix. We’ve been very intentional about doing our own work. I’ve been going through a lot and told him I need to rely on the women in my life to carry me through it. I’ve been upfront from the beginning that I have feelings for him. Over the course of eight months, he’s been all over the place with how he feels. It’s been a rollercoaster for me. He’d go through periods of talking every day and then weeks of just once a week. I’m not asking to be in a relationship, I know that’s not smart, but I can’t keep engaging unless he’s okay at least with me falling even harder for him. I recognize in recovery that he can’t give me that. But I don’t know if that’s a reasonable expectation or what mine should be.
I saw him last month. Beforehand, he said nothing physical could happen after months of saying otherwise. I was confused but agreed. But then he kissed me. Then he held me for several hours in bed. Then he slept with me. I kept asking over and over and over again if it was okay. He kept saying yes. The next day he broke down and said he couldn’t handle intimate situations. I broke down crying. I am so mad at myself for doing this to him. He said that we needed to table questions about what we are and where we are going which is fair. but for me, there’s an intimacy there that I can’t ignore or put to the side. I can’t keep falling in love with him when he doesn’t know if he wants it. As we left it, I told him to reach out when he’s ready. It’s been three weeks. I’m moving forward, taking steps, loving my life. I don’t need him. But I love him. I rarely fall in love. I just don’t know if I need to respect what I said about him being the one to reach out, or maybe in three months or so I can just send a simple text. What would be the healthiest measure? I know for me the limbo of someone not knowing how they feel about me and giving mixed messages constantly puts me in limbo and brings up old wounds. I don’t know what letting go looks like. He said we would see each other again. I miss him so much. I know we both need to focus on ourselves. I just don’t know if I should reach back out to say I am still there.
I know that we need to be in each others lives when it’s at a time when we are healthy enough to be there for one another and have a dynamic that makes us both feel safe. I just don’t know how to stop hoping for that and beating myself up for how I feel and Thayer cant talk now
