Reinforcement and indifference

alcohol
#1

Hi,
this is my first post. I am German with a British partner for nearly 25 years. I am working myself through “How to get you loved on sober” and I really struggle with two tasks.

  1. My SO never drinks in the open and will always completely denial that he’s been drinking. I really have no clue about his drinking habits and triggers.
  2. He is very indifferent and passive. He is retired and spends his days in bed reading. It really seems that he doesn’t want anything else from life than be horizontal and more or less drunk, if I don’t activate him. I have no clue with what and how I could positively reinforce behaviours. He’s most happy, if I leave him alone.
    Any help and suggestions are very welcome!
    Greetings from Heidelberg
#2

Hi @Quecke - welcome to the Village! I’m glad you found this space and that you’re learning more about CRAFT.

I hear how stuck this feels. When the drinking is hidden and most of his time is spent in bed, it can be hard to know what to reinforce. One thing that helps with CRAFT is remembering that it doesn’t always have to be about alcohol or drinking. You can look for any behavior that brings a little more connection, health, or engagement.

For example, if he gets up to share a meal, you might say, “I really enjoy when we eat together.” If he starts a conversation, respond warmly so he feels that effort is noticed. If he shows interest in something outside the bedroom, like an errand or a hobby, that’s another chance to encourage him by showing appreciation for it.

And when he pulls back and isolates again, it’s okay to quietly step back yourself and give less attention in those moments. The contrast between warmth when he’s engaged and less energy when he withdraws can, over time, help guide him toward more of the connection you want.

This method can feel slow. CRAFT is more like planting seeds than forcing change. Each time you notice and reinforce those small steps, you’re helping to build the foundation for bigger change later on. It might help to look for progress in tiny ways. Maybe he comes out of bed a little more often, talks a bit longer, or shows interest in something new. Those moments matter, even if they don’t seem huge at first.

You’re not alone in figuring this out. Have you noticed any small shifts lately that could be signs of progress, even if they feel minor?

#3

Thank you so much, Jacqui, for answering my question.
Actually I am sitting on the fence if I should give up or start another try this time with CRAFT. I really like the approach, especially because it requires from me to be independent and autonomous in my reactions. This is something I am only just learning. I withdrew and detached. And I am fearful that I will get into co-dependent behaviour again if I get him out of bed and have as little as tea together. He also had a stroke in March and has some cognitive problems. We’re at a point where he has promised to go back to Britain as soon as his renewed passport arrives., which will be this week. Maybe this would be better for both of us. He would have to become active and I could try to break free and live a live where my needs are being met. And then as I understand it CRAFT could also teach me to have that anyway.

#4

Hey @Quecke - how are you doing today?

I can really hear how torn you are, and it makes total sense. Wanting connection but also being scared of slipping back into old patterns is such a tough place to be in. What you said about liking CRAFT because it helps you stay independent and autonomous is so important - that’s exactly what makes it different from codependency. It’s not about carrying him, it’s about choosing how you respond in ways that protect your own wellbeing.

You’re already stepping back and thinking about your own needs, which is a strong step! Whether he goes back to Britain or not, that focus on you is something you can keep building on. CRAFT can be a tool for that too, not just for encouraging change in him, but for helping you live more fully, even alongside his struggles.

Maybe a small step right now could be to write down what you want your days to look like, with or without him there. That way, whatever happens, you’ll have a clearer picture of what meeting your own needs can start to look like.

You don’t have to decide everything today, and whatever you choose isn’t final forever. You’re already showing courage by learning, reflecting, and reaching out. That counts. :yellow_heart: