Rejection from husband. Can anyone explain why has he chosen this path?

cocaine
#1

Hello,

Husband and I separated in the hope of him addressing his cocaine addiction. Instead he’s got into a relationship with a younger girl that enjoys cocaine, sex, and parties. He’s 51 and said he loved me dearly - why has he chosen this path?

#2

Hey there @Fraser. This must be so painful - I’m really sorry you have to experience it!

I notice you’ve posted a few questions about this and I’m wondering if there is an answer you’re looking for that you haven’t found in your other posts? Is your question perhaps about how to communicate better with him or how to better take care of yourself?

I know you’re feeling shocked and devastated - let us know how we can best support you, okay?!

Also inviting @Mjiggity @Oldenufftoknowbetter @nikki92394 to weigh in here - and maybe @erica to share a bit about brain chemistry?!

#3

Hey there @Fraser, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

While I can’t definitively say why he has made this choice, I can try and explain how addiction impacts the brain like @katie suggested to try and provide you with some understanding. The neuroscience behind addiction may shed some light on his intentions, and the possibility that he isn’t choosing to hurt you or tear you family apart, rather, the substances are impairing his ability to make decisions.

The frontal cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for morality, judgment, and personality. It’s where we weigh options and understand consequences, where we have emotional being, and where we find spiritual meaning. Substances work in the midbrain which is responsible for reward learning memories that give us pleasure such as eating, defending ourselves, sex, and survival skills. Usually the frontal cortex keeps the midbrain in check, but in active addiction it is the reverse. There is impaired thinking, choice making, and lack of realization of consequences. The substance becomes the number one goal, above sex, defending ourselves, eating, thinking about our loved ones, and surviving.

What happens on a neurological level hopefully helps get a better understanding of the circumstances, however I know it doesn’t take away the pain. Let me know if you have any questions, thinking of you. :yellow_heart:

#7

Thank you for your reply Erica.

I need to get my head around his choices are not because of me but the coke. I need to look after myself but I’m finding it difficult as I feel so rejected by him.
Any tips on how to look after myself please?

Many thanks, Hannah

#8

@Fraser, yes you need time to process all you’ve been through. The best way to give yourself the headspace to do so is by engaging in some self-care, and I’ve got a major list for you!

It is not selfish to take care of yourself.

Think about it: taking care of yourself not only benefits the person you’re concerned about, but is necessary for your well-being and the way you feel, moment-to-moment, on a daily basis - which is really important too!

Here’s a challenge: choose one and do it today.

  • Plan to sleep 8 eight hours tonight
  • Say yes to something you haven’t done before (or no to something you don’t want to do)
  • Move your body and get your heart rate up for 30 minutes
  • Take a bath
  • Go to a yoga or favorite exercise class
  • Practice an online guided meditation
  • Eat a hot breakfast slowly
  • Set auto pay for a bill
  • Clean your bedroom or wash your sheets
  • Read about someone who inspires you
  • Take 10 slow, deep inhales and long exhales
  • See a movie
  • Call someone supportive for a chat
  • Clean your refrigerator
  • Send a thank-you letter to someone who never got fully appreciated for something they gave or did
  • Start a gratitude journal, writing 5 things a day you’re grateful for and feel how each one makes you feel as you write it
  • Hug someone like you mean it - let them hug you, and really receive it

I personally love the gratitude journal to start and end the day, it helps with remaining positive and optimistic.

If you find you encounter any barriers around engaging in self-care activities, please note them down, and then you can work on ways to cope with those barriers.

#9

Thank you for this list!! I’m going to start achieving these daily challenges and hopefully I will start to feel better.
Any tips on when the negative thoughts creep into our heads of my husband and the situation we’re in etc. I particularly struggle with the thought of him with this girl,
Love Fraser

#10

Great question @Fraser - that must feel so hard, and I imagine you’re not alone. I’m starting a new thread here so the question gets greater exposure to others who have the same one.