Resentment for spouse

#1

Has anyone else ever felt resentment for their spouse during treatment? I am grappling with the relief that my husband is getting help but also I am angry that we found such a great facility because I’m jealous. I mean he completely blew up our lives and he gets to stay a 5 star hotel with the freedom of expressing his emotions and people dedicated to his well being…and I get to pick up the dog poop, pay the bills, and try to handle everything on my own. I’m tired of hearing “just take care of yourself” or “one day at a time, just try and relax” because I want just one chance to be the mess for once. One chance to have everyone care for me. I want to be just as selfish without the guilt of knowing how everyone around me feels.

#2

I am struggling with similar.
My other half is currently in a 6 month residential rehab facility and I feel soo resentful.
I was the one who sourced and organised his placement there.
I have given my all and as soon as he went, I felt like I was shoved aside and left to get on with it myself, having to source my own support whilst he has everything on hand and I am honestly struggling with this.
His addictions caused me a lot of pain and I feel a mix of resentment and frustration.
It’s as though, we as the loved ones, suffer not only through their addictions and behvaiours as a result but then no one cares about us so we continue to suffer and it kind of comes across as though our wellbeing doesn’t matter because there is no support already put in place to coincide with their therapy to support us.
It’s as we are given a pat on the back and a shove out the door.

#3

Hey @Riley7823 and @Bisto - you’re not alone, and you deserve to be taken care of, too. Be the mess. I know you don’t want to hear “take care of yourself,” but taking care of yourself can mean taking the day to cry, scream, vent, veg out in front of the TV, ignore the bills - whatever you need. Book a stay at a nice hotel for a night or two! And when you’re ready, find the support you need.

What are you looking for? What questions do you have? How can the Village help? There are lots of resources for families of people with substance use disorder. Unfortunately it can take some digging and researching, but fortunately you have a community here that has been through it, has felt the same resentment and suffering and loneliness, and survived.

We The Village offers support for families through online training and group coaching calls. You can check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co. What is great about the CRAFT approach as opposed to more traditional 12-step programs is that CRAFT provides solutions, scripts, tools, and ways to take action, whereas programs like Al-Anon are more of spiritual programs that focus on your ability to let go.

Your own individual therapy can also be incredibly helpful, especially during early recovery when everyone’s wounds are still so fresh. Psychology Today is a great resources for searching for therapists in your area. You can even filter for therapists that accept your insurance, or someone who specializes in addiction so they have a better understanding of what you’re going through.

Let me know what you think and hey, if you want to just keep typing it out, we’re here to just listen, too.

A note from the Village :love_letter:: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.**

#4

Hi, I am feeling these same feelings right now. My boyfriend is currently in his second residential program, while he also did 5 months of outpatient. I was at the end of my rope this last time and had already reached out to a therapist before he left. I felt angry, resentful, burdened, and depressed. I do recommend your own therapy. It’s been a game changer for me this time around. Having my own personal therapist has helped me really look into my feelings, fears, desires, and hopes. He’s helped me look at what is happening right now, not what could be. To be ok sitting in feelings of ambivalence while my boyfriend is in treatment. And to learn to really value feeling like myself again and try to find ways to protect that (making and keeping boundaries!) it’s changed my entire outlook.

So, yes - do the little things that make today ok for you, but do invest in your own well-being. I believe it’s only going to make me healthier, but also change the dynamic of my relationship when treatment is over so that hopefully we can both be happy.

#5

I can totally relate to this, it’s exactly what I’m feeling right now. My husband just started a 28 day in patient program a few days ago. I feel like I can breathe now he’s away and somewhere “safe”. I’m not in a constant state of anxiety about where he’s going and what he’s doing. But at the same time I also feel hugely resentful for the same reasons as you all. I always have to be the strong one, pull my boot straps up, pay for everything, look after the kids, walk the dogs, work full time at a stressful job. Just keep on going. Act normal and optimistic for the kids sakes. When do I get the “luxury” of falling apart?? Now realistically I’m not a falling apart kind of person. But I’m also sick of being the strong one all the time. I’m tired, mentally and emotionally. I’m seeing a therapist too, so something to work on with her I guess.