I’ve been on this community for a few years but haven’t been very consistent. Thankfully, it’s because for the most part things are going well and I don’t feel the need to reach out when my husband is sober and clean.
It’s been about 5 years since my husband’s last slip. Relapses are always in the back of my mind but that voice of anxiety gets quieter and quieter as time passes. Last week, I just put my baby to bed and my husband texted me to come out to the living room immediately. I hurried out and he told me he used but said this was the only time. He has been on suboxone for several years now and it has worked well for him but I know his goal is to eventually get off of it completely because he hates being dependent on it. Recently, the clinic he was going to for prescriptions shut down and he was unable to find another doctor to get his next prescription. When he went to the pharmacy, they treated him with distrust and it made him feel like a junkie. He found a doctor who he saw virtually to prescribe him suboxone and the pharmacy told him they will only do that for him once. His reasoning for using was that he was afraid of running out of suboxone and scared of the withdrawals so he asked someone for a pill and he smoked it. He told me it’s called “a blue” and apparently it’s a mixture of things. After he smoked it, he was afraid there was fentanyl in it and he thought he was dying because his heart was racing so fast. He texted me to come out immediately because he didn’t want me to come out to him dead in the living room.
My response was just from a place of love, compassion, and trust. When his heart rate went down, he thanked me for providing a space where he can trust me and be honest with me. I was proud of both of us and how we handled it.
But here I am a few days later and I’m now fully processing and starting to have a little anxiety about it. Was he being truthful about it being the one time? Is he still using? Anyone here been in this situation? I’m just thinking about what the next steps should be but also trying not to let all the what ifs cloud my mind. Also, please do share if you have a positive experience with getting off suboxone.
I think I’m just frustrated because there’s always a small part of me that hopes I don’t have to deal with this again. Especially now that we have a child together, I hoped it would be an extra motivator to not use at all.