Slips are still hard

#1

I’ve been on this community for a few years but haven’t been very consistent. Thankfully, it’s because for the most part things are going well and I don’t feel the need to reach out when my husband is sober and clean.

It’s been about 5 years since my husband’s last slip. Relapses are always in the back of my mind but that voice of anxiety gets quieter and quieter as time passes. Last week, I just put my baby to bed and my husband texted me to come out to the living room immediately. I hurried out and he told me he used but said this was the only time. He has been on suboxone for several years now and it has worked well for him but I know his goal is to eventually get off of it completely because he hates being dependent on it. Recently, the clinic he was going to for prescriptions shut down and he was unable to find another doctor to get his next prescription. When he went to the pharmacy, they treated him with distrust and it made him feel like a junkie. He found a doctor who he saw virtually to prescribe him suboxone and the pharmacy told him they will only do that for him once. His reasoning for using was that he was afraid of running out of suboxone and scared of the withdrawals so he asked someone for a pill and he smoked it. He told me it’s called “a blue” and apparently it’s a mixture of things. After he smoked it, he was afraid there was fentanyl in it and he thought he was dying because his heart was racing so fast. He texted me to come out immediately because he didn’t want me to come out to him dead in the living room.

My response was just from a place of love, compassion, and trust. When his heart rate went down, he thanked me for providing a space where he can trust me and be honest with me. I was proud of both of us and how we handled it.

But here I am a few days later and I’m now fully processing and starting to have a little anxiety about it. Was he being truthful about it being the one time? Is he still using? Anyone here been in this situation? I’m just thinking about what the next steps should be but also trying not to let all the what ifs cloud my mind. Also, please do share if you have a positive experience with getting off suboxone.

I think I’m just frustrated because there’s always a small part of me that hopes I don’t have to deal with this again. Especially now that we have a child together, I hoped it would be an extra motivator to not use at all.

#2

Hi there @Selfcare31. Congratulations on the wonderful progress your family has seen over the past few years, and so very encapsulated in your response to him in the living room. Wow- that takes a lot a calm. And congrats on your baby and all that brings to your life.

It’s always been surprising to me that some people don’t change more for their children, but some don’t. You can’t tell who will and who won’t.

I totally understand being accepting initially and then rewinding the tape and having questions. It sounds like you and your husband have strong loving communication so I’d encourage you to talk some of your misgivings over with him. It’s ok to share your fears- because if you’re too afraid to voice them, they have too much power over you and no one else knows about it.

I reckon @momentsandlight will have some thoughts- she’s been through many similar scenarios and has more experience in the suboxone world than I. Happy holidays and best wishes for untangling this and going into the new year with a calm heart and mind.:hibiscus:

#4

Hey @Selfcare31 - love seeing you back in this space. We’ve missed you!

I think that’s amazing your husband was able to call on you right away to be with him during that time. It must’ve been super scary for both of you. You giving him that safe space and him recognizing that makes such a huge difference. The difference between his hiding his slip and his being honest with you.

The what-if’s will show up, but it sounds like you’re already good about being aware of them and recognizing them and letting them go. Hold on to the truth - he was honest with you in the moment. If he used because he was afraid of suboxone withdrawals, then I think the next step is getting a new suboxone prescription. Another step would be to keep fentanyl test strips and nalaxone on hand if you don’t already. I know it may seem like encouraging use, but really, it’s just being safe. Here is a post about Overdose Prevention.

Check in with your husband and yourself. How are you both doing today?

Me too. Just today, a weird package came in the mail addressed to my husband, and I was immediately worried that it was drugs. He’s had drugs mailed to him in the past. And I started asking myself: Again? What if he’s using again? When will it end?

But I push those thoughts aside because right now, there is no truth in them. I’ll ask him when he gets home what’s in the package. We’ll go from there. Will keep you updated on how it goes.

Remember @Selfcare31 - this too shall pass. :pray: :sparkles:

#3

Thank you for the encouraging response. Appreciate the support :heart:

#5

I love that we have such similar experiences! It’s a challenge to find someone else going through the same situation and also deciding to work through and stay with our loved one. Thank you so much for the encouragement and validation. So far, we are doing well but still just taking it one day at a time and hoping and praying he will get back on track on his own. It sounds like he is taking the right steps in that direction for now. :heart: