I could go into specifics, but I would be writing pages of pain, suffering, constant letdowns, abuse of all kinds, and so on and on. I don’t really have any questions. I’m just here to try to relate to other people that might’ve experienced the same things I’ve gone through and how they’ve handled it because as strong as I am and I know what to do I can never do it. Im mentally exhausted, but I still have a fight in me. All I’ll say is my husband is a binge drinker and will go 6 days nonstop drinking until he passes out twice a month. He’s mean in every way you can think of and I end up hating him for it. I then proceed to feel guilty for feeling that way and mad at myself for letting someone irritate my soul the way he does when he drinks. I stay for the wrong reasons and he pacifies me telling me he wants to be better but he doesn’t. I know I’m a good person and I have a lot to offer but he’s killing my self esteem. I’ve lost myself but I’m tired of feeling this way and I’ve already wasted so many years of my life playing this awful game. Time to take control of my life again.
Thanks for reading
Spouse of 18 years is a bad binge drinker and horrible man when he does it
Hey @Lissa78 - It is exhausting, and you’re not alone here.
Making this decision is a big first step. I made a similar decision when my husband was in active addiction - I decided I needed to love myself again, and the next day I made an appointment with a therapist. What’s the next step for you?
There are many threads in the community on the topic of self care - you can click here to view them. Maybe some of these conversations can help you get started? Sending love. 
So, I have decided that since my kids are growing and don’t need me as much that I’m going to start doing nice things for myself. Something I’ve never done but my therapist thinks it’s a good idea to start. I am no longer letting him dictate anything to me. I can only imagine how many people have gone through the same things that I have and I know the toll it takes on a person. It’s a problem when I need a Clonazepam to make it through my day. I started going to Al-Anon meetings so I stop secluding myself behind a wall of protection which I’ve built really high and I’m going to just take things one day at a time. Any other suggestions?