At the beginning I felt like his #1 priority. Even with his addiction happening. He showered me with affection and attention. Over the course of 5 years my worth to him has changed. I assumed it was addiction progression but noticed he placed even coworkers and students (he’s a paraprofessional) a little higher on the priority list. As a result my self esteem has plummeted, knowing I mean less to the person I love. Always been very extroverted with others, specifically women of all ages. And I’m a worrier. Mixed with a low self esteem, well, it’s torture. I’ve gained like 100 pounds In five years.
Now he’s been in rehab a few weeks, long enough to make friends with the other people there. He lives in a mixed unit with men and women (great). He calls every day but I am getting so bored of the “group” talk and the stories of fellow patients he is chummy with. He speaks as if they are the best people in the entire world, but rarely laughs at my jokes or engages in the topics I bring to the conversation. Recently one story was about a girl there he said he’d been talking to recently who was eating a jolly rancher with her fingers like a lollipop next to him. And touched his socks and asked what they were? Sounded a bit flirtatious on her end. He said it was gross but I’m just in awe of the pointlessness of the story and the strange manner In which it was presented. Why did I need to know this?
I am hoping this won’t continue forever. But it’s making me think differently about our relationship anyway. Do I want a man telling me stories about his interactions with some girl or asking me how I’m feeling and weathering life while he’s gone?
Do I mean anything to this person anymore or is he keeping up appearances? Will things end when he gets home and realizes he has the confidence to leave? Am I being cheated on while he’s away?
These are dumb questions, but they are going through my head. I feel very alone.