i am feeling overwhelmed. he agreed to go into medical maintenance treatment and it’s been a hard week. today i felt like this is worse than him using. he’s been great. agreeing to go to the clinic every day, listening, generally just hanging out and taking it a day at a time and i am a mess. i feel like i’m going to break. i am so scared for him. i miss my boyfriend. i want that person back. i want him to be okay even if we split up. i know treatment and addiction are a process and I am grateful right now that he’s agreed to treatment and that he is still alive. but my mind keeps running through all the things: is he just doing this to placate me? does he want to get better? is he just substituting one thing for another? my brain and body are tired.
i know i need to take time for myself, but right now, before things are stable, everything feels so life and death. i went to therapy yesterday. i am here today.
i’m siting on the couch right now working. he’s sitting outside. he’s alive. i hope that’s good enough for today.