Time to leave the relationship?

marijuana
relapse
#1

My fiancé was planning to do an inpatient program back in February. However when he went for an assessment they recommended that he do an IOP. He’s about two weeks away from finishing the IOP and told me that when he’s done with the IOP he won’t drink anymore but is not going to stop using weed. Today after he got out of the IOP session, he both drank and used weed. He was at least honest about it. The weed thing is a deal breaker for me. We’ve been in this relationship for about 11 years. It feels like he’s choosing marijuana over me. Has anyone experienced anything like this?

#2

Thanks for sharing @Tamatoa. Oooof so hard to see someone we love who has been struggling, do better, only to slip up again. This happens all the time. We encourage looking at a slip as evidence that more support is needed, and to not discount all the progress, but look at what was working and try to get back to that or add in more support. Honesty is great, being able to talk about it is great because addiction thrives in the shadows. Try to not take it personally, abstinence is hard, a lot harder than we think. The more sober time someone in recovery gets, the easier is to stay sober, but there are often slips along the way. A quick focus on how to get back on track with loving optimism can be a winning strategy to help.

#3

Hi @Tamatoa - how have things been going the last couple of weeks with you and your fiancé?

This is actually a really positive thing that came out of what I’m sure felt incredibly disappointing. We hear so much about loved ones lying about their substance use, and how the lying can often feel much worse than their setback! What was the response after the slip? Did he have a support network from IOP that he could turn to, a group or meeting he could attend, or a counselor or friend to talk to? Early recovery is super tough, which is why an aftercare plan is so important. Is this something you can talk to him about?

#4

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

#5

He has had a few slips. He was remorseful after the slips. At first he didn’t want to tell the IOP facilitator but I encouraged him to do so. He seems motivated to get the most out of the program so I pointed out that to do that he needs to be transparent with them. This is supposed to be his last week. The facilitator told him she would drug test him at the end of the week. I guess they’ll determine his next steps from there. He did mention that there will be aftercare when he’s done with the program and that he plans to follow it.