Typically his M.O. is to “disappear” - I'm unsettled and unable to focus, where should I turn?

#1

Just looking to lean over here for some support today. The relapse is worsening with my bf and I’m trying to keep my wits together. I asked a question last night not knowing I was even in the ball park of right and now today it’s proving true. I havent seen and barely heard my bf since I left for work this morning and my gut alarm :rotating_light: is sounding. typically his m-o is to “disappear” until he’s ready to face the truth / me which can be a few hours or days and it makes me unsettled and unable to focus on anything but him being out of touch. Just thought this could be a safe place to vent, especially Incase I’m proved wrong- even though I’m certain I am correct :sweat:

#2

Hey @Laurene04 - this is absolutely a safe place to vent. Thank you for trusting us.

Relapse can feel so frustrating, and going rogue is even worse. The worry loop is horrible!

I hope it doesn’t sound trite - but I think what becomes important now is taking care of yourself! We can only help when we act out of overflow. Fill up your own cup first. Make sure to eat well, get enough sleep, do something to relieve stress, connect with someone who matters to you… and when he comes back & is “ready to face the truth,” you’ll be better equip to engage with him.

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Thinking of you, friend…

#3

@Laurene04 firstly - I wish we were neighbors - I’d pop over and we’d definitely just watch something or do something fun to take your mind off this for a bit.

Thank you for sharing this and speaking life into a feeling I know so well - I have felt this so many times and dealt with it on my own. I hate that feeling.

The minutes become hours and I start to think - should I go over there? Should I go lay my elbow on his buzzer (we didn’t live together then). I know the longer the silence goes on the more likely I’m going to get to that point. Is this worry crazy? Or am I totally sane because drugs are crazy?

My husband’s depth of addiction was with cocaine and he would go silent for days. One time he even quit his job during a binge and no one could get a hold of him. Thankfully his boss forgave it. Anyway, that’s a tangent, I’m just remembering how many secrets I’ve held and strong feelings I’ve had silently on this journey. So heavy!

I want to carry some of the weight on your shoulders. Will you let me worry, even just a bit, for you?

So now 3 years on and my husband is doing pretty great. What would I suggest to my former self?

Dealing with the worry: know that these feelings will pass, try to be kind to yourself, plan an activity you enjoy, something light but something active so you can get out of your head.

Communicating with him: tell him (text or whatever you do) that you love him, you’re concerned about him since his behavior is x,yz, and you’ll be here when he’s ready to talk (if that feels right). Get that off your chest and let it rest.

Safety: This is more of a look forward thing, but now if my husband was using a lot again I’d get curious about his using habits - is he using with others? (It is safer to.) Is he using anything that fentanyl could be in (cocaine, pills, heroin) if so then let’s make sure you and he and anyone he’s using with has narcan.

Man I don’t know if I could follow my own advice but that’s my logical brain right now :slight_smile:

Also, I think a part of what’s so hard, is you have this man on one hand when clean and then this whole other situation when using. And it’s the adjustment to the latter when it flares that is so confusingly hard. Does that make sense?

I still prefer my husband as the sober version since he still drinks, and sometimes too much. I tell him this now! And we’re planning to work on his drinking habits.

#4

Mu husband disappears too and doesn’t come home all night. Says that he doesn’t need to tell me where he is. I know he’s so drunk that he can’t make it home. We have young kids too. I’m just learning detachment truly and living my best life without codependency. Learning to turn off my phone if he goes out at night and not staying up because my sleep is important. I’m just in these beginning phases but already feeling better. I can only change me and my reactions to him. I see him as sick and do not take any of the blame anymore. I was in denial for years too that he had a problem. I can be in my truth now and it feels empowering. I still have moments of sadness but then I do something for me or my kids and feel better

#7

Thanks everybody!

There really does become two sides of my thoughts split completely.

The logical 1. he will come back, the more space he has the sooner he will come back, the more you panic and call and beg the longer it will take, go to sleep, go to work, don’t call first, don’t wait up, don’t cancel plans to be home when he gets there, PUT YOU FIRST

… then the emotional side - 2. Opposite of everything the logical side reasons with me… but what if this time he take some it too far and I don’t call- I have to live with that, what if I’m not home when he gets there and it makes the situation worse, if I’m there to talk to him I know I can reason with him… etc.

He did end up making it home last night, had been out using all day so this morning wasn’t an overly pleasant encounter before he left for work :pensive:

I think one of the hardest parts for me is when the negatives are grouped together with out there being a positive or pick me up in the middle. Negative emotions followed by more negative emotions makes me feel so far away from him :disappointed:

#6

Thank you for sharing @Shazaam I know it’s not easy.

This sounds so familiar - the drink talking, amazing how addiction makes them lie to themselves too: I’ve definitely heard this before:

I think it’s so common that we don’t recognize or acknowledge the signs sooner, as you say in denial. Unfortunately society doesn’t set us up super great to acknowledge it and most importantly know what to do when we do! I wonder what it would take for future ‘mes’ and ‘yous’ to recognize it sooner?

Sounds like you have some good practices to help which is great to hear.
I’ve definitely been there with the phone turned off.
And getting sleep helps SO much - though I’ve found can definitely be hard to do!

Sending <3 to you and your family.
Please keep sharing with us and let us know areas we can support you <3

#8

I know that yo-yo SO SO well.
It’s fine!
Well what if it’s not!
GAH!
Glad he came home safe. Unfortunately trying to talk rationally about things when they’re hungover / in that depressive shame cycle from using is not optimal.
Which means more waiting and more of #1 <3
Look after you, stay positive. Plan how to address it with him when there’s some clear / clean space. We have some good guides on game-changing conversations and will have a downloadable version soon.
Sending <3