Ultimatums: Do they ever actually work?

#1

I have given my wife ultimatums. But nothing has gotten her to understand the serverity of the situation. In at my breaking point. Do ultimatums actually work? I do love her and want to stay with her, but not like this. And Im wondering, if I finally follow through and leave, is there any hope for us? Or should I focus on moving forward without her and abandon my hopes of our relationship being able to work if she decides to get sober? Any advice or experiences would be appreciated.

#3

We know that change takes time, whether it is quitting sugar or a new workout habit, and drugs and alcohol are even tougher because of how much they flood the brain rewards systems and impair rational reasoning and decision-making (thus making spontaneous reactions - like using again - more likely!) Not to mention the depression faced when the substance is removed - the come down.

It’s an up hill battle!

Unfortunately, it’s really hard on us too. Hard for us to cope, tolerate and maintain connection and a supportive role when our loved one’s are acting impulsively, irrationally, and seem to harm themselves.

My thoughts here are - first: look after you. This is a marathon not a sprint and if you need to take some time off to keep your engine filled up that’s really important.

Regarding ultimatums - I now believe that if too strict they set our loved one’s up to fail. But if they are reasonable, think about tapering, slowing use and adding in other joyful activities or support (like therapy, friends, family etc.) versus ‘quit it’ will work best. I think in most cases it will take more than one ultimatum and the more supportive they are, probably, the better.

The more our loved one’s feel they are winning again, and making progress, the more they’ll continue to try.

Sending <3

#2

I am in a similar situation with my husband. He continues to make promises of change but then hides alcohol in his truck, work shed or garage.
I am at the point where I resent him for breaking our family apart. I have been supportive for 3 years and feel as though it will take me leaving with our child for him to get the point.
This is not living.
I hope you find the strength to follow through with what is best for you and your situation. I only know how difficult it is to look at the person you love and wonder who they are.
~ Elle

#4

Welcome here @Dntthnktwice! I don’t have personal experience with ultimatums, and while I can’t see the future or pretend to understand your situation in its entirety, I do believe that there is hope for healing. You might want to check out this post or this one for some more insight on ultimatums and boundaries.

#5

@Dntthnktwice I understand and feel for the frustration you’re experiencing. It can feel like our loved ones don’t care about how badly we may be hurting from their behavior when they fail to change after we give them an ultimatum. Recently, my mom became aggressive after getting drunk, and it caused my whole family to come together to talk to my mom about making some changes. My brother essentially gave her an ultimatum, which resulted in her agreeing to not drink any alcohol at all anymore. While it’s amazing she’d agree to that, I’m not sure how much I can trust that my mom could just quit cold turkey. I’m worried that doing so could even set her up to relapse badly, after withdrawing from alcohol. I’m in the camp that I think what would be more effective would be to involve some of my mom’s close friends who can check in with her and hold her accountable while she monitors her drinking levels, without having to abstain entirely. I want to prioritize my mom’s and my family’s safety, and I think in these types of cases, an ultimatum might be too strict. If I were you, I would definitely try to reach out to some of her friends or others who may be close to her and see if they can talk to her. Even just having them interact with her and make plans with her is helpful in her recovery, as it will help her notice there is more to her life than her struggles with alcohol. Good luck :slight_smile:

#6

Whenever I’ve wanted to give my fiance an ultimatum and leave were always the times when things were really hard and seemed hopeless, but ultimately I needed to go take care of myself. As long as I do everything I need to do for myself and set boundaries so her use or behavior doesn’t affect me negatively (whether it be emotionally or financially) then I don’t find to much use for ultimatums.

Granted though, I do feel there are circumstances where you do need to take some time away to get away from the environment and leave your partner to take a chance to grow up and deal with their own issues.

#7

Hi! In my experience the more you stay the more is “enabling” the person to not “take care” of the problem. I made an ultimatum and left for a while, I looked for apartments. Most of all I came to the conclusion to avoid the resentment and the anger it was generating in myself and our relationship. Since it is a disease is hard for them to realize they have it, no matter the time. But still has to be a self introspection. You are her “safety net”, so she hasn’t really sunk that deep to realize that the only way now is up. Of course that depends on each individual. Focus on yourself, what would you like, what you wouldn’t, with what are you comfortable and with what you aren’t. And make boundaries for yourself. Instead of thinking it as an ultimatum, just think is something you need to do for your own happiness.

I hope you make the choice that makes you more happy on the long road. I also hope your wife finds the strength and wisdom to realize where she is at.

#8

In my case it did. But I was at “my bottom”. When I finally got to that point, he knew something was different. This was after 7 years of madness. Ups, downs, all the things…

As to if you should give up - of course there’s always hope. But you have to love YOURSELF enough to be willing to walk away if needed.

(((hugs)))

PS hubs will have 7 years clean and sober on the 23rd. It IS possible!

#9

Oh wow. This just hit deep @ErinHill.

#10

I know I am just lurking into the past posts, but how do you get there? The whole loving yourself enough to possibly walk away. I understand the idea of self-care, but how do you get to loving yourself? I feel pathetic asking that :frowning:

#11

I am a mom, not a wife. However, my son’s partner did leave him and told him he had one chance to get his act together. I think the fact that he was at a point he really wanted to get sober made the ultimatum work. He went to rehab and has been sober for 8 months.

#13

@ErinHill - Thank you for your kind response. I just feel really lost lately. I have been trying to do small things here and there, but working full time, being a mom of an, over registered in the park district classes, child and dealing with his alcoholism I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I asked to work from home tomorrow to simply have quiet time during the day. I am not trying to come off as making excuses, or whining, I have cared so much for others for so long and put their needs before mine, I have lost myself. I am nervous I am not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel, or even a crack of light at this point.

#14

@Sarah (((hugs))) sweetie - I’ve been there. You have a lot of responsibility to bear, and when we take on everyone elses’ stuff, we usually lay our own work down first. It’s OK to admit that you’re overwhelmed. I certainly didn’t see you as making excuses - simply sharing some of the load you’re carrying. I also hear you saying you’re ready to find yourself. Baby steps love. Just like you didn’t accumulate all this ‘stuff’ in one day - you aren’t going to be able to release it at all once. What’s something you can do to make some space for SARAH? A few ideas that come to mind - walk during a lunch break to get fresh air and sunshine, and move some of that energy. Treat yourself to a pedicure or other ‘indulgence’ once a month. Start saving your loose change in a container (at work if need be) with a specific goal to do something special for yourself when it’s full. So often we are used to bracing for the ‘bad’ stuff, that we forget to plan for the good stuff we deserve. Sending you loads of love, and please know we are all here for you. I believe there’s a private message function here - you’re more than welcome to reach out to me any time if you need an ear or shoulder to process. <3

#12

(((hugs))) it’s OK to be right where you are love. It’s not easy I know - and I just want you to know I see you. I hear you. And I’m sending lots of love your way. Self care is one of those things that is kind of abstract. For some it looks like a pedicure, for others it looks like getting out of the relationship. For me, it looks like working on me. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Start small hon. One thing that helped me was to make a list of all the things I could think of that a “woman who loved herself” would do. Some of the things included speaking up for herself, setting boundaries, having her own spending money, etc. Perhaps that would be a place for you to start as well. What would “Sarah who loves herself” do as part of her self care? How would she carry herself? What decisions might she make?

Then see what feels do-able to start now. Maybe it’s something that’s seemingly small like putting lipstick on, and telling herself in the mirror how amazing she is :wink: Or - putting notes up to remind her that she’s getting better every day, etc.

Best wishes as you find your way sweets. Glad you’re here. <3

#16

@Sarah for us, the ultimatum “worked” - he went to treatment and has been clean and sober ever since (January 2012). I guess if I could go back and tell myself something it would be to look a little deeper at my own shiz. I spent SO much time obsessing about him and his stuff that I lost myself.

Firstly - to be 100% transparent if I’d loved MYSELF I wouldn’t have even given him my phone number way back when… But I did. And I stayed. And now he’s clean and sober.

Things aren’t perfect. We’re both VERY different people than when we met. So we’re at a bit of a crossroads, but I do wish I had listened to my gut more, and had more compassion for myself.

I hope you can find your intuition again, and give yourself grace for where ever you are. And remember - Better has no finish line - so you can always grow and learn <3 and (((hugs)))

#15

@ErinHill - You are so sweet. Thank you for your kind words and advice. You mention that you have been in the situatuon that I currently am in. Did it get better? How did it end up for you?

#18

So a little back story would be helpful I think. I left my first husband when I found out I was pregnant with daughter #2. Daughter #1 was 2. (Daughter #1 is actually getting ready to start college in the fall, so I’ve had some time to reflect!!). I met hubs 2 (current hubs) when daughter 2 was about 4 months old. I knew with everything in me that it wasn’t time yet, and that he would be a vampire for my energy, time and money, but to be blunt I felt like I was damaged goods. I believe with everything in me that if I’d worked on ME and been OK with being alone if that’s what life called for that I’d be in a very different place right now.

That being said - I can stand in a place of gratitude now because I can see where all of those lessons have lead me.

I am learning to love and accept myself, and it’s quite the journey. One that I try to be open about because I didn’t feel like I had any mentors or people to ask questions of, so I try to be that person for others. Totally an open book here.

And sorry for the delay - I had to get on my laptop to answer and since I usually get my emails to my phone, this slipped down on my notifications (((hugs)))

#17

@ErinHill - Would you mind deconstructing what you mean by if you loved yourself more you wouldn’t have given him your phone number? Would loving yourself have stopped you from dating/getting into a relationship with him? If so, does loving yourself look different now that you are remaining in the relationship? I hope that makes sense, it does in my head! lol. Thanks for being so kind :slight_smile: