Want to get ahead before alcoholism can take root. What do you all think?

[spacetime]

Hello, everyone! First time poster here, as my husband and I had an illuminating weekend. Sorry for the wall of text.

For reference, I don’t really drink much because even a drink or two gives me insane hangovers. Husband drinks 1-3 nights in a 7-day week, depending on our social plans.

Background: my husband is a classic “craft beer” drinker (we live in a small town known for its local brewery scene). He loves to try new brews out, chat with his friends about different types of beer, etc. Nothing crazy, it’s always been a hobby of ours. We’ve even tried to brew our own beer and hard cider (out of freshly pressed apples), too. We love to try new things like brewing, woodworking, etc.

Husband started his new career (Physical Therapist) in August after a grueling 3 years of grad school. His new job is stressful, he works around 50-55 hours per week, and has definitely turned to alcohol to kind of help that stress. Plus, over the last 3ish years, he’s gotten embarrassingly drunk about 5 times. We’re still semi young (mid-20s), so it’s hard for me to know if this is alarming behavior or just residue from our fun college years - if that makes sense.

Here’s the thing - on Saturday night, we went over to a friend’s house to have a fresh pasta making night. He had been incredibly stressed after a performance review on Friday that didn’t go great (but not horrible either. He’s still a rookie.) and ended up getting drunk incredibly fast. I was clearly annoyed at him, but tried to have fun regardless. I made him lay down on the couch and continued on with my night.

The next morning, he was really sad and embarrassed about his actions. He admitted to drinking a 6-pack while I was out on Saturday afternoon before the get together, which explains why he got drunk so quickly. I was taken aback of course. He was very apologetic and we had a great discussion. He admits that the last few months have been really tough and that he has been relieving stress with alcohol. We both agreed that going down that road is not a viable path for our future and he mentioned seeking therapy to help deal with the stress of the job.

It’s obvious that my husband has a negative relationship with alcohol, but I’m super encouraged that he’s aware of his actions and is feeling proactive about it. Do you guys have any advice for me/us in this situation? We’d both like to get ahead of this before alcoholism can take root.

Thank you for any and all advice!

[erica]

Hi and welcome @spacetime! So glad you’re here and thanks for the post!

A few positives I want to highlight:

• You know that he likes to try new brews and chat with his friends about them, and sees it as a hobby - This indicates that he is aware of the short-term positive consequences of drinking. It’s good to know what your husband likes about drinking and who he usually drinks with in order to try and find new ways to engage in activities healthier activities and get the same desired outcomes!
• He admitted to drinking a 6-pack, shared his feelings “sad and embarrassed”, and was apologetic - This indicates he is aware of the negative consequences of his drinking. Again, good to know in order to help find new ways to cope that aren’t drinking.
• You had a discussion about it following the event. It’s wonderful that there is open communication and he feels he can trust you and you won’t judge him, I’m so glad to hear this, as it creates a great starting point to managing your situation.

Alcohol use disorder isn’t a black and white thing, and is diagnostically on a continuum of mild, moderate, to severe. While I can’t diagnose someone I’ve never met, it does sound to me like there are signs of problematic drinking due to the amount, hiding it, and using it to relieve stress. When we use substances to cope with things like stress, anxiety, depression, our brains create pathways that encourage that behavior to be repeated when under stress, feeling anxiety, or depression.
Learning new habits to replace old ones help the brain to heal and create healthier pathways, as well as encouraging positive change behavior! So: THERE IS HOPE IN HELPING!

Ways you can help:
What else does he like to chat with his friends about? Encourage that!
What other hobbies does he have other than woodworking (the more the better)? Encourage doing those!
What are healthier ways he can manage his stress about his job? You’ve already begun discussing this: and he mentioned seeking therapy to help deal with the stress of the job! My advice on this particular piece is make sure the therapist is aware of his alcohol use patterns, and if you can, find a therapist that has a background working in addiction.

I’m super encouraged for the both of you, and I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions !

[katie]

What @erica shares here seems incredibly useful! Getting creative with engaging/encouraging your husband in other activities that have similar positive outcomes… what do you think @spacetime? I’m optimistic that by communicating so openly & acting so proactively, there is hope for you both!

[ashleykm3]

Welcome, @spacetime! I’m really glad you shared your story. Thank your for being brave and providing details-- it’s often the stories that show people who are at risk for developing some type of addiction— those stories that aren’t black and white, but instead leave us asking questions— are the most important to talk about.

I understand the anxiety you might be feeling about your husband’s more frequent alcohol use. It’s frustrating when a beloved hobby can begin to become a problem.

Like @erica stated, it is great news that he is aware of the negative effects of his drinking. The key here is to apply this awareness to the ways drinking bleeds into other areas of his life-- perhaps social, in the context of his friend group, and perhaps even in your romantic life, if you feel as though it may be causing some distress to your relationship. Although he is aware of the problem, the association your husband has between drinking and his friend group will make it hard to treat the problem, as we of course want your husband to spend some quality time with his friends. But now perhaps the quality of that time will shift— your husband may need to begin devising new ways he can hang out with his friends that don’t involve alcohol, so that his negative behavior does not end up being enabled.

It seems as though you are asking the right questions and you are being supportive of your husband no matter what— which is exactly what he needs at this time.

[polly]

I totally feel this! My husband struggled with cocaine addiction (deeply) 3 years ago. Alcohol was generally an accomplice. And it’s clear they serve a purpose for him! They help him socialize (I realize he gets social anxiety without it) and wind down from work also!

But this week he drank a bottle of wine on his own and (it’s all relative) but he was really disappointed in himself. And I really don’t enjoy having to deal with it <3 - I can say that here right?
I’ll also say that I love my husband!

Anyway, I think we’ve got to be mindful of what other ways might we help them relax? How can we rebuild some social connections to help fill the gaps? And maybe our loved ones shouldn’t be working so damn hard. I think it’s risky!