What do you do when someone who also cares about your addict loved one pushes a decision on to you?



My boyfriend is an opiate/heroin addict. He has been in and out of rehab. He was clean for over a year which is the longest he has been clean but he relapsed again and it was pretty bad. When he relapsed, he was honest with me and told me right away. At this point, I am taking everything with a grain of salt because he can be extremely manipulative with me. I told him last year that if he uses again, I need to walk away and it’s over. However, it’s not that easy. He used again but he was honest with me and came up with a plan to get back into recovery. I asked him to move out but then he said he is going to try a suboxone program which he’s never done before and start attending meetings again. I told him if he follows through then we will see what I decide.

His mom is extremely frustrated with her son of course because she has been hurt many times by him. She is even more frustrated with me because she thinks I keep giving in because I am too codependent on him and am being taken advantage of. I have been through many relapses with my boyfriend before and the fact that he is being honest and is taking steps on his own to go back to recovery and not disappearing for weeks at a time is a pretty big step for him. She doesn’t see it that way because she sees addiction as just black or white. My mental health is so much more stable than the first time I dealt with this because I educated myself, went to al-anon meetings, and found a therapist to help me process my emotions. I know myself and I am deciding to stick by him as he tries another program. She wants me to detach with love but I don’t think it’s what’s best right now.

She keeps texting me information or conversations she has with other people about what I should be doing and it is upsetting me to no end. I’m more frustrated and angry with her now than with my addicted loved one! I have asked her multiple times to stop contacting me because it’s upsetting me and she won’t stop. Has anyone dealt with this before? How do you handle a person like this?


Agh that is exactly how my husband’s family is. It’s gotten to the point where we can’t even tell them about his slips because it just adds more anxiety to the situation and is not helpful to his recovery. I feel bad because they struggle with trusting him, and not telling them about the slips does not help the situation. I fear they’ll find out and then not trust either of us. But I keep trying to tell myself that their trust issues are just that - THEIR issues. I feel like they think all of the work needs to be put on him in order for them to trust him, but it doesn’t work that way. Having a healthy relationship with a recovering addict requires work on everyone, not just the recovering addict.

I don’t know if that helps you at all but just wanted to let you know that I can absolutely relate. Let it begin with me, right? Hopefully our actions will get them to start thinking differently as well.


Absolutely true! Actually since I posted this, I decided to change how I was responding to him. Our relationship has evolved as he’s progressed with his recovery so I can’t respond or view things the same as I did years ago when he was just starting his recovery journey. Ever since I made that decision and decided his recovery was not mine, it has been incredibly amazing! :slight_smile: