We just want to help them get by, get better, not be sick. Do you or have you given money to your loved one? If not, how do you say no, and what is the reaction? If yes, how does it make you feel?
No right or wrong answers, no judgments here. Just others going through the same thing. We’re here for you!
My son has lived in a property I own rent free for years. To the dismay of his sister and brother. Yes he should be paying rent but he’s been using so long the issues wasn’t about getting the rent. It was always was I willing to throw him out. I guess that’s like giving money.
When he was hurt and disabled I bought his groceries and his dad gave him money. Now that he is out of rehab he is beginning to be able to work again. I don’t normally give money and don’t want to. Who knows if I’ll be able to resolve the rent situation. He is so in debt due to his medical bills.
Help with addiction, as a parent I see what kind of mess you’re in, as a recovering heroine addict of 45 years I have a lot id like to say. Is it possible for me to contribute without upsetting you, or attacking your thought process, probably not. What id like to do is state my own opinion and to say please don’t take it the wrong way. You are helping to put your son in his grave. Parents that love their children so much, and if he lives alone, or not under the same roof as yours he must be a man by now. You are enabling him, giving him free rent, for years, your words, if he was an addict during those years did he thank you for supporting his habit. Give him some real love, save his life, throw him out, make him pay rent, it’s his medical bills, he an get help with those things what he needs is a backbone, take the binky outta his mouth mom, give him life, and the only way that will happen is if you stop helping him. Did you teach him how to be a man, you may think he can’t do it, but I’ll guarantee if he puts the effort into helping himself live clean and sober the way he does to support a habit, he’ll be fine, but if you keep giving you may as well pay for a head stone now that says i was just trying to help. You’re not. Now this is my opinion. And I’m sorry it’s harsh, but it’s very hard to support a habit, if he can do that he can live without you changing his diapers and feeding him daily. I hope you can see the difference between good love and destructive love. God bless I hope it works out for your son
@Jeanbug, thank you for your honest answer. It was very helpful to me.
I personally have not given my StepD any money, but I don’t know if that is true of her Father. But, we brought her into our house, rent free, we feed her, she does laundry here and we cart her where ever she needs to go because she doesn’t have a car or driver’s license.
I think this goes back to enabling our loved one and I feel we have done that to her. Her biggest issue is not drugs anymore (so far she has been clean since coming here), but its her various mental issues. Right now I’m furious because she got a job today, which is wonderful, but her hours are 9pm to 4am. She accepted the job even though I had asked her to avoid ridiculous hours because we, mostly my husband, are her taxi service. She accepted it anyway. My husband and I had a fight about this because he is just happy she has a job so doesn’t think its an issue that we’ll have to be her taxi.
The above are all excellent ideas. Just wanted to add what I’ve done. My husband was clean for a good number of years and had frequent interactions with acquaintances that were new to recovery. Matt is an extremely kind, giving man. So when people would ask him for money, Matt would deliberately go and buy the stuff for them. He told me once that if he should ever relapse, I should do the same thing for him. He told me such valuable information and offered me so much insight that he knows that I’ll never hand money over to him unless he’s got some significant clean time under his belt. The last thing I want to do is make him feel that I don’t trust him. But, I absolutely will not buy the drug that kills him and enabling him would do just that. And by enabling I mean living with me without contributing something, putting your own health first, etc. I coddled not only him but my kids as well. I now have a 20 year old son living with me, rent free, without a job and no career plans. His day is spent online playing games and his friends consists of ones he met on the computer. He is essentially a hermit. I know for a fact that I’m enabling him and not at all loving him the right way. But the guilt of kicking him out is just as strong. It’s so much easier for me to maintain boundaries with Matt than with my own kids…
I welcome all points of view no matter how harsh! I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me! Thank you!
My 32 year old son is in recovery and is now back at university. He is working full-time, but struggling to afford some costs associated with the university and time. My son and I have an agreement about how I will support his schooling and ongoing sobriety- so one thing is that I won’t give him money if he is using, drinking, whatever. And, I won’t offer him money. If he needs money- HE needs to ask me for money and how much and why.
In the past I would voluntarily give him money so that we didn’t have to have the awkward part of him asking- but that was just straight dumb. Now I let him determine what he can afford and contribute and what additional support he needs. Then he needs to ask. If it’s too much, I tell him, if it’s too little, I try to get him to line item his true costs as he has a tendency to underestimate and that leaves him vulnerable.
It works for us, maybe it’ll work for you, too,
Fortunately, this has not be a problem for me, but I applaud @Thinkstet, agreement. Brilliant!