How do I set a boundary or limit with a loved one in active addiction?

[Jacqui]

Setting boundaries, or limits, is a common topic in the Village Community! Below are just a few of the conversations relating to boundaries.

What is the difference between a boundary and a rule

What is the difference between a boundary and a rule?

How do you handle setting boundaries?

I seem to be able to argue both sides of boundaries and get myself confused about them!

What do you do when your loved one asks for money?

We just want to help them get by, get better, not be sick. Do you or have you given money to your loved one? If not, how do you say no, and what is the reaction? If yes, how does it make you feel? No right or wrong answers, no judgments here. Just others going through the same thing. We’re here for you!

Victim mentality and how to hold firm and allow my loved one to experience consequences?

My wife is an alcoholic and there is a very clear pattern of behavior that I would like to get myself out of. What usually happens is she will drink, I will get angry, and we will go a few days or weeks with limited communication between each other. During this time, she acts like the victim. There are no efforts to try to redeem herself or apologize for her behavior. Instead, she’s withdrawn, quiet, sad, etc. Any opportunity that presents itself where she can act like she has been done wrong or…

[Jane]

The CRAFT approach: 5 steps to setting a limit

1. What are limits?

Limits are our personal edges, the thresholds that get crossed when we can’t effectively give or sustain more.

We all have limits, or breaking points, and it’s helpful to get acquainted with them so that we have the power and choice to change course before reaching them.

2. Why are limits useful?

Knowing your limits are game changing because while you can’t control another person’s behavior, you can learn to notice what’s coming, how you’re feeling about it, and take an action that is in your control before a situation gets messy or messier.

Understanding your limits gives you power to no longer live at the effect of someone else’s actions. You get to live by choices instead of reactions.

Here’s an example of reaction vs. choice:

Breaking point: He spends so much money on cocaine, I can’t stop worrying about our finances, and I have a stomach ache all the time.

Braking point: If I got a separate bank account, I could at least protect my income from going toward his habit.

3. Am I living beyond my limits?

Here are just a few questions to use as a measuring stick.

1. Have you said or done things in the moment you later regretted?

2. Have you ever acted in a way that doesn’t line up with how you see yourself?

3. Do you sometimes get tense or feel frustrated when dealing with your loved one?

4. Do you feel mentally or physically not okay?

If you answer yes to any of these, you may be living beyond your limits.

4. Know my limits

Choose one of the questions from above that you responded to with a yes. Backtrack in your mind to the conversation or events leading up to it. Consider where, early on, you could have taken a different route that would have prevented you from being pushed beyond your limit.

5. Action: Set a limit

Now, reflect on that same scenario and consider specific ways to help you avoid the same or similar situations in the future. Choose now to honor your breaking point before you reach it.

A note from the Village : Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.