The situation is a tricky one (as i am sure most are). Let’s start with: I don’t know how to be with his addiction.
My loved one and i are both very informed and educate ourselves constantly on all aspects of addiction, relationships, life in general. Both late 20’s. When it comes to his addiction, he confides in me 100% with all the details of his addiction. For safety reasons, for the health of his venting, for the sake of his sanity (and mine). Because his only support systems are all unstable, most of them know most of the details. But only i know all the gritty details and slips. His mother and father are alcoholics (but mean well), his sister is living away and blind to how addiction works, his few friends/acquaintances are also dealing with similar things.
We dated for roughly 2 years, a very healthy stable and loving relationship. Nothing was ever really wrong other than addiction stemmed problems. Which we always communicated in great detail. We were always very healthy in many aspects. He broke up with me this December when he discovered hydromorphone for the first time (on top of his benzo tapering through his doctor and an SSRI), and has been using since. He was in rehab 2 years before (cocaine and opiods). Has not used cocaine since. Barely drinks. Sometimes smokes weed. Sometimes uses Kratom for cravings. Since first of December, he has been using hydromorphone ever 2-5 days.
Neither of us really know if the break up is drug related or love related (keeping me safe from his use or me trying to get him to stop), for now we both know friends is what he needs. That’s another story…
He has since moved home. But continues to struggle with cutting his connections, then finding new ones, and a continuous repeat. He moved out of the city and even that has not helped. He won’t go to rehab just yet, but is starting suboxone next week. As well as proper counselling, online coaching and other programs.
See, i don’t use anything, and we are still close in ways that are only healthy. Its SUCH a hard balance with boundaries, typical healthy knowledge of break ups, being there as a friends, space between us because of the breakup versus being there for his addiction, drug use, when to step back when to step in…
But he tells me everything. As i said was alright. I’d rather be his best friend for him right now and he has been for me. So we put an average relationship steps out of our minds and moved to just beign there for each other as friends. He opens up all the time about when he feels like using, when he picks up, how he wants to stop, how he hates how it hurts people around him…you all know. He comes over here to my place sometimes, and he does stuff here. He was hiding it, but i always know. So I told him id rather know than him hide. He still feels ashamed, but will ask or communicate before he does.
He is incredibly intelligent. He actually is schooled in recreational therapy, and has worked in addictions, troubled youth, methadone clinics, the whole shabang. So being together, we are both well knowledge in many aspects of addictions. It makes it soooo much harder, because he has voiced how he feels like Dr.Jekyll & Mr.Hyde. He tricks himself so much, he’s too smart to get around his own will some days.
There’s him then there the addiction in him.
The most important thing i have voiced is that he continues to always be open on honest, even if its just with one or two people right now. He takes all the appropriate steps, writing, fills his days, stay away from triggers… so on.
He knows how much it hurts all of us, and we all continue to tell him everyday. But he has pulled away from most of his family (hence me being the only one he tells 100% honesty to with his drug habit) because they put a lot of pressure on him to quit or they ask too much, try to stop it. And he isn’t ready to quit. He has voiced this. And we all know, in the end, its up to the individual to choose. He is starting programs, things are under way. We are just all in the middle of it. So its very difficult to say what is working and what isn’t. He’s trying.
Also, don’t worry about me boundaries and relationship boundaries, we both have that under healthy guidelines. .
So Is that appropriate that i allow him to get high at my place, with me present rather than hide it and be out driving or somewhere no one knows he is high? What should i offer as help or guidance? What sort of detailed boundaries should i be keeping? When is too far with allowing him to do drugs, and only i know? Should i voice this to someone? Should i tell someone he is high when he picks up and i’m not there? What more can i communicate with him?
He has asked to stay here this weekend to get high in peace since he starts suboxone next week (last hurrah?), Somewhere safe but where he can get high. I don’t want to condone that behavior, but i know he would do it in much much worse company with access to other drugs if i refuse (he’s never pushy about it at all, actually he is always very calm and kind no matter the situation).
So… help? Ask for more details if you wish.