What should I do?


I know ultimately this decision is up to me but would like to hear some opinions.

My fiance is planning on entering a residential treatment program. He’s on a waitlist and hoping to get in in a week or two. We don’t live together but he’s staying with me until he gets into the program.

About a month ago I found evidence of emotional cheating. I was upset but we talked through it and about a lot of unresolved issues. We’ve both done things to hurt each other over the years. We’ve been together about 10 years. I don’t trust him and am working on that. He’s doing his best to work on building up trust with me. He also doesn’t drink when he’s with me. I don’t allow him to have alcohol or weed while he’s here. There’s never been an issue with that. It’s when he goes home that he binge drinks.

He really wants to get married and is saying that’s what he’d like to do when he finishes the program. I don’t think I want to marry him anymore but I don’t want him out of my life either. I think the best option is for us to break up though.

I’m scared that he might decide not to go to the residential treatment program if I break up with him now. I know that if he’s really ready to get treatment he should go regardless of whether or not I break up with him but I don’t know for sure that he would.

I’ve also read that it could be good to break up with him while he’s in the program while he has support. That seems kind of cold though.

A part of me also wonders if I should stay in the relationship and see if things change after he does the residential treatment program.

I might just choose to do nothing. Just stay engaged and see how things go. I don’t know.


This is a tough situation you’re in, @Tamatoa! And tough to give you a “right” or “wrong” answer since ultimately, your decision is deeply personal and whatever path you choose will be okay.

Stay with him, break up before he goes to treatment, or break up after. Is there a fourth option - to take a temporary break while he’s in treatment that isn’t necessarily a complete break up? I’m not suggesting this is the right option, but maybe it’s something you can talk with him about as a way to both focus on yourselves during this time, and see where how you’re both feeling about the relationship once he’s out of rehab.

What do you think?