I know the pattern of when my boyfriend drinks and iif he is alone I’ll start getting text that first start with feelings of insecurity but escalate to false accusations. It is hard to be non reactive at times. Typically I will ask him to stop If it continues I let him know I will be putting my phone away for the evening. Sometimes it is hard not to defend myself through text.
What steps do you take to set boundaries when an addict lashes out verbally when drinking
Dani
#2
Texting can be so damaging too as it is impossible to have emotional content. I was called cold and heartless because my sadness wasn’t translated well by text… he couldn’t read my face and reacted to the words. When he’s drunk and reacting though, I need to place a boundary for myself and repeatedly remind him it’s not a boundary as a punishment. It’s not about him but me. He still sees it as punishment as he’s not getting what he wants. It is a difficult thing and I feel for you.
Ada_Wu
#3
Thank you for sharing this. I have definitely been in your shoes and relate to your problem. I have a father with serious psychological traumas and always talks to me with false accusations (accusing me of being a coward, or being a disrespectful child) and violent languages (things like “I will kill you”).
I had a very difficult time figuring out how to deal with these lashing outs, especially as I was accustomed to his abusive ways ever since I was born. For a long time, I believed everything he said and that made me full of shame and self-blame. I was literally carrying all his shames and blaming myself for all his mistakes. Undoubtedly, that had such a debilitating effect on my psyche.
With the help of an amazing therapist, I learned to distinguish between my true self and the me that was forged by his false accusations. This of course took a lot of trauma resolution work and consistent, slow effort in moving towards my inner knowing.
I think that being in your body and grounded is really important for establishing boundary. To stay detached, you need to be connected to your heart and have a high level of centeredness. Meditation is a great way to help you do this. Try to meditate daily and regularly for a certain length of time. That can really help you stay your ground when someone is trying to break your boundary. Being connected to your heart and inner wisdom also prevents you from reacting blindly. Whatever actions you end up taking are likely to be more self-caring and wise.