My husband and I have an agreement on treatment so I could come back home (i was leaving), he is been sober now for 1 month and a half. But suddenly he starting changing the agreement. The agreement was that I would return home on the conditions that he goes to therapy, AA and takes a medication to help his addiction which is alcohol. When i returned he did not wanted the medicine, I understood and accepted his decision, then stop going to AA because he felt wasn’t necessary since he was going to therapy, now he wants to stop therapy too cause he doesnt have carvings anymore and is only been a month!! He has done this before, been really good for 2-3 months then boom! drinking again. I have NO confidence on him, im SUPER SURE it will be like last times and I just cannot do this anymore! I’m losing my mind about it, told him i wasn’t supporting this choice and it was not what we agreed, that he already changed the things too much. He says im not supporting and that he didnt married over conditions, but this has nothing to do with our marriage! this is HIS problem and sadly it affects me too, now more than even. I think I’m even having a panic attack while I write this, can barely breath and type. I don’t know how to feel, how to respond, what boundaries to put my foot over and not give in. He blew all composure I had of myself away in a second. Told him that I wanted to live apart then but he is not having it, and is not like I can leave just like that from one day to another.
What to do when husband is not keeping our agreement?
I am so sorry you are in this position right now. I feel short of breath just thinking about it because I have been there, as well - feeling suffocated by the unknowns, the lies, the what-ifs, the refusal to change. The hardest part about setting boundaries is sticking to them. But for me, it’s important to draw those lines because it helps me remember that my needs and my health are important, too.
It sounds like active commitment to recovery is important to you in your relationship. Maybe there are smaller steps that your husband can take that would meet your needs, as well? Recovery looks different for everyone. My husband doesn’t go to AA meetings, and it wasn’t until he was into recovery for over a year and had a slip that he started individual therapy. Can you try talking to him about what steps he’d want to take toward his recovery, and how he can best meet your needs?
Hugs to you. Take a moment for yourself today. Go to a favorite place, or just pause and breathe and list three things you’re grateful for. Trust that it’s going to be okay - that even if things don’t turn out the way we expect them to, it will be okay. 
Hi there @jfh, you have every right to feel as you do. This is not easy, and we are generally not trained to deal with the chaos of addiction and I feel like the recovery time needed is undersold 
First you! I’d love to share a little breathing exercise:
Alternate side breathing
- Take 5 minutes alone - you can set a timer if you like or check in on a clock
- Close your eyes if that feel comfortable or soften your gaze over the tip of your nose
- Take your right hand and prepare to use your thumb and middle finger
- First use your thumb to cover your right nostril while you exhale out your left nostril, follow the exhale with an inhale through your left nostril
- Now use your pointer finger to cover your left nostril as you exhale out your right nostril, follow the exhale with an inhale through your right nostril
- Repeat for 1-5 minutes
Let me know how you feel 
What I’ve found is that in early recovery I’ve wanted my husband to be further along but inevitably it is a really selfish time. I liken it to bambi on ice. They are so fragile. And it is hard to be in their brain - there may be pain, depression and they don’t know how to deal with it.
What I’ve also found is that this is a very fragile time for me as the supporter and spouse. I’ve been through hell with their addiction. I haven’t been to rehab - meaning I haven’t had the support and break and recovery - and here again I have to be strong despite their wavering and not knowing how to help, especially when they are not taking action. My husband never went to meetings, and got rid of his therapist as soon as he could.
What this leads me to believe is that both you and your husband need MORE SUPPORT right now!
Can we bolster your support systems? Can we engage his friends and / or family to step up and take some of the worry off your shoulders?
I’m thinking: plan fun activities with him, give them some responsibility over thinking about and discussing his recovery plan with him.
And for yoU!
I’m thinking: share how hard this is with some friends and / or family, and ask them to be extra kind. Maybe take you for dinner? Plan a movie night? Or just a chat on the phone?
We’re totally here for you. I’m just brainstorming with you
Few more things:
- Watch this if you haven’t yet: How to have conversations that work webinar workshop
- Think and ask about what’s worked for your husband in the past? Starting from their and adding on ‘experiments’ to try is a great approach. If he doesn’t like meetings, what else might work? Using his knowledge and motivation is best here!
- I sort of gave up on asking my husband to commit to things. I think keeping things fluid and checking in to see what’s working and what’s not is the most likely method to collaborating on a recovery that works!
Please keep sharing so we can keep supporting and brainstorming with you!
thank you for sharing and it would help me a lot to get more support but part of the problem we have is that he wants to keep everything private. Me not telling anyone what is going on, neither his or my parents. When he gets angry or upset (i’m sure he relapsed today) he tends to go back to blaming me, that i took away his privacy and proud, which i know they are not mine to take and is it not my fault to reach out for help when i see that we are drowning, specially if I need that help, and sadly that means been open with the issue. Still i feel a lot of resentment from him, and hate towards me… what do i do about that? if im been hated then what is the point in staying by his side? It hurts when he tells me that “he wishes he could hate me for it”… i have never thought of wishing to hate him from what he has put me through… i dont know how to follow with love and caring when those words come from his mouth, and when i take a step back or space he tells me Im selfish and that i dont care, and i do explain is cause im hurt and i dont think i can keep talking.
Hey @jfh, this is certainly a frustrating situation to be in, and one I think many people struggle with in early recovery. It’s great that he’s been sober for a month and half, however you have every right to feel the way you feel regarding him slowly dropping things you’ve agreed upon.
I certainly recommend you try the breathing technique @Jane mentioned above, because in order to proceed in any way, you’ve got to make sure you’re okay. It will help you determine how you feel, how you want to respond, and what boundaries you need to reestablish if you have some emotional clarity yourself.
I’m going to give you some information on knowing your limits, setting limits/boundaries, and tips to check in with yourself. Knowing your limits is part of being aware and having reasonable expectations - this allows you to work with your husband instead of being surprised and shattered by them. The conscious act of recognizing how much you can stand makes your situation more predictable. Awareness won’t change your circumstances, but it allows you to anticipate what’s coming and plan for it as best as you can. With awareness (which you already have a lot of), careful self-assessment, and practice, you can continue to work on seeing your limits from a safe distance and even use them as guides. Consider the following questions:
- Do you find yourself doing or saying things in the moment that you later regret?
- Are you acting in ways that do not match your internal image of yourself and the person you would like to be?
- Do you notice tension, resentment, or frustration building up within when dealing with your husband?
- Do you feel mentally and/or physically not okay?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may be living beyond your limits, telling yourself you can handle more than you reasonably can. This may be an indication that you need to try and put your self-care first for the time being.
Now, I understand the concern with him not taking the medication, not going to meetings, and stopping therapy, saying he has no cravings. In early recovery it’s common for people to feel like they are on a “Pink Cloud” - that everything is good and will continue to be. Unfortunately, this “Pink Cloud” dissipates over time and reality sets in, and without the proper support could lead to a return to use. In some way it could be helpful to share with him that you recognize he feels great now, but you have concern for what will happen if something unexpected comes up, and share that is why you think these external supports are necessary. Absolutely feel free to brainstorm alternate ways for him to be engaged in some support system together, and see what is reasonable and what isn’t. When we set boundaries it’s important that we recognize our abilities to maintain these boundaries, and if we can’t, then ask ourselves why.
Please let me know if any of this is helpful to you, @jfh, I’m here and happy to help!
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This has been very helpful, and i know he is on the pink cloud, and also i think today was a nefaust day. Im sure he relapsed which i don’t know how to address it or make sure he realize he shouldn’t go back to drinking. But every time I ask (in any way) if he has been drinking he gets angry and feels attacked. also how do I address verbal abuse, we had discuss it but it keeps happening when something doesn’t go his way or when he gets angry about something. He doesn’t believe that what he is saying is as bad because he had “reasons”, but there is no reason to insult someone you love. I worked on my issues and i vow to my own self that i won’t let my anger get the best of me and abuse him like i have done in the past. I dont know how to make him understand that is wrong, that I also need compromise from him, and understanding and that im here too.
Hi! @jfh I am so sorry you are going through this. All those hurtful words are the addict speaking. And as long as he is drinking/using or on a path to relapse you will notice this negative behavior. All it will do is bring you down. I can only suggest setting a boundary that you are not to live with him until he gets his addiction in control. And stick to it. Consequences for his actions. And that’s totally up to him. That will be on his time. Because you will only suffer in the midst of his addiction by those words. I know for my boyfriend once I noticed he stopped going to meetings( and everyone is different) he would say things like oh I’m good now, I got this, I he don’t need them. And it was almost like denial. Because then some old attitude and behaviors popped up. And then it led to a relapse. I am guilty of allowing my boyfriend( while he was using) to control me. I would listen to demands. Because i felt that maybe if i didn’t, I was the reason he was to pick up. Or if i make this choice it can lead to a negative for him. But I noticed I wasn’t taking care of myself. And my sanity and well being mattered too. We can do the whole tough love. We aren’t bad girlfriends sisters or wives. If we set boundries. The addict will make those choices no matter what we do. We have no control over their addiction. Hope this kind of helped xo
When it comes to verbal abuse, I’ll say if you ever feel you’re in danger or he is in danger to himself or others call 911 or go to your closest police station/emergency room. Safety first.
If he is using again I recommend trying to talk when he isn’t under the influence, and try and sort out when the best times to talk to him may be. You know him better than anyone else, so, if you know he is grumpy at night, avoid talks at night. If he’s more cheerful in the morning after a cup of coffee see if that’s a good time to chat. If you think you need space, take the space you need to gather your thoughts.
We’re here for you 