Im recently married and I was aware of my husband’s addictions before we got married. It was easier to handle when we were just dating because a lot of his addictions (gambling, substance use) didn’t impact me financially and if he smoked he would smoke outside and never in our home. It would saddened me when he relapsed with substance use, but i loved him anyways as we always had a good open line of communication. However now that we are married…his smoking has increased, he stopped going to gamblers anonymous, he has started to not care about his appearance, and i just don’t feel as connected to him. I know he loves me as he tells me all the time, but I just can’t relate to his lifestyle and now anger & resentment are just fueled inside of me. I smile around the house but inside im just angry at him for not maximizing to his full potential. Not sure what to do next.
What to do when I'm feeling disconnected from husband due to his addictions?
Thanks for sharing @Susan I’m married to a man in recovery so we have some things in common. My husband and I are very similar on some levels and very different on others. We both like deep and analytical conversations. But where I like quiet and he likes noise, and I like intimate gatherings and he likes boisterous ones. It’s something I find really hard to relate to - his need to drink to be social and have a good time. And it more often than not just ends in taking him out of the night’s fun.
He also likes to smoke inside. This I find so frustrating. He mostly doesn’t but when he does it it infuriates me.
Part of his addiction stemmed from feeling like he was not reaching his potential. And it’s taken him some good years to decondition the negative voice in his head around that.
In my experience recovery is a long journey and we can help by vision-holding for the potential we know they have to realize their greatest dreams, like we do. We’re a work in progress but we’re working on it and getting there!
I also found the CRAFT methodology really helpful in learning how to interact with one another and help coach towards more and more positive behaviors.
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.
Hi @Susan,
I hear you on this one. There have been many times in my relationship where his behavior suddenly changes/gets better/gets worse. It’s helpful to realize that these changes, ebbs and flows, are part of being human. And recovery isn’t all uphill.
Notice your thoughts about him: “I’m angry at him for not maximizing to his full potential.” What if you continued to think loving thoughts about him, no matter what he does? You’re thinking he’s not maximizing to his full potential, and that thought makes you feel angry. Then when you feel angry, you say that you smile at him but don’t feel connected. So your thought about him is causing the disconnection, not his addictions. And you can know that’s true because he’s struggled with addiction for a long time, and you felt connected to him before you got married. Does that make sense? And that’s great news, because once we’re aware of our thoughts, we can choose to think new, better thoughts that make us feel better. Our thoughts create our feelings.
What if you chose to stay connected to him, even when you don’t like his behavior? Then when you’re in that connected, loving space, you can have a calm conversation with him about what you’re noticing (the facts, not opinion): His smoking has increased, he stopped going to GA, he’s not taking care of his appearance as he used to. Those are all facts, and when you can point them out in a neutral way, it gives him a chance to reflect on those things, without judgement from you. Then you’re keeping the communication open as you mentioned you used to, and you can stay connected while still telling him what you’re noticing.
We can’t control our partner’s behavior, but we can stay loving and connected no matter what. It’s our choice to feel those things. And when we’re calm, loving and connected, we can make better decisions for ourselves, like if you want to choose some loving boundaries for yourself, if you feel they’re necessary.
You’re always connected at a level that is deeper than their substance use. And the way you feel about him is always your choice. Isn’t that wonderful? 
@Karilyn I read your quote that stated “our thoughts create our feelings” and just so happen to stumble upon a book today called “How To Be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving” by David Richo and the first thing the back of the book said “most people think of love as a feeling, but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present”. That resonated to me as a sign regarding my disconnectedness. So. I bought the book lol
Can I ask a follow up question of @Karilyn and @Jane? Why should we have to go to such great lengths to support a partner’s addiction? Don’t our partners owe us some basic level of self-sufficiency for us to be in an equal partnership? I feel this way all the time with my alcoholic husband - I’m not your mother, you have to take care of yourself and that includes staying sober. I know anger doesn’t solve the problem, but I can distance myself and move on with my own life instead of spending my time and energy figuring out how to best soften my approach with my partner, discuss issues with my partner, etc. Often times I think to myself - what kind of life is this? If he doesn’t want to live up to his full potential, why should I stick around? Why should I hold out hope for his potential when he won’t even do that for himself?
@Rachel it’s totally up to us what we choose to put up with! In my view, if you stay or go it’s all the same to me, it’s your choice! My tools and tips comes from my experience from choosing to stay 
that’s all! So definitely take that with a grain of salt and take what you find helpful.
Also, please keep sharing from your experience here. This resource becomes game-changing the more varying experiences that show up here. The goal being, that those who follow in our footsteps might read and find what resonates to them. There is no one answer.
And when it comes to CRAFT method that we know to be effective at helping us feel better, reducing harmful substance use in our loved ones, and encouraging their engagement in treatment (7/10 times) - again it’s still up to you if you want to engage in it! It is NOT easy and it is MORE work for us, yes.
If we step away, I just recommend sharing the weight of the worry with others, so that other connections, family / friends, might step up. <3
I agree with @Jane, that’s always a choice and it’s totally up to you. You definitely shouldn’t stay in a relationship if you don’t want to.
Many people have misconceptions about addiction, like it’s a weakness or moral failing. But it’s a disease often caused by intense trauma in a person’s life, and it’s perpetuated when they don’t know how to cope with their difficult emotions without substances. It takes a lot of understanding to be in a relationship with someone who struggles with substance use disorder/addiction, and it’s always up to you whether you want to work through it together or not. But it does take a lot of work together. It’s not just “their” problem. It takes a lot of support to heal from substance use disorder.
But no, I don’t think our partners “owe” us anything. I don’t think anyone owes us anything. They don’t owe it to us to stay clean and live up to their potential and they don’t owe it to us to take out the trash or walk the dog. Because when we think someone owes us something and isn’t giving it to us, we’re the only ones that suffer. But again, it all comes down to choice and the perspective you take in life!
I agree with @Rachel. Why do we have to go through all the trouble when they don’t really care. I have decided to leave. I have made myself physically ill from the stress and I cannot do it anymore. He will have to figure it out on his own or with the help of his grown daughters, who are not mine. His mother and sister have distanced themselves from him and I am left to pick up the pieces.
@Karilyn @Jane thank you for your responses! @Jane your husband sounds like mine. Ie He likes loud and I like quiet! Ha! I would love to check in on the meetings you have but Wednesdays do not work for me as I have my own spiritual meetings with my husbands on those days. @Karilyn i loved your approach on changing my negative thoughts. I will definitely start to do that. To love and show love even on those up and down days. I have to work on not making him feel like my love is conditional based on how he behaves. I don’t want him to fear every time he does something wrong I’m going to leave him. That wouldn’t be fair to him. I have to remember we are both human. And I too am inconsistent in other areas, and he is never hard on me. So I will try to extend more positive thoughts. Thank u.
@Rachel @gina1014 thank you as well for responding how you feel as well. I think your responses are also true representation of how I feel at times when I feel like its not fair that we are kind of pulling the weight in the marriage/relationship, we are the one’s seeking outside support (like wevillage) and they are not doing their part to atleast meet us halfway or being consistent with what they say they will do. I think what I gather from both @Karilyn & @Jane and even my mother who I spoke with today regarding this matter is that being with a person with an addiction takes a little bit more effort, a little bit more understanding, a little bit more empathy and grace towards this type of relationship. It really challenges the notion of “unconditional love”. I understand feeling at your breaking point, and deciding to walk away. For me, I knew what I was getting into before I married him, so I think in my situation it would also be unfair to leave him for the same thing I already knew he had challenges with. My journey is still fresh with him, so I will continue to try as many approaches as I can.
Hi Susan this is Nycole, and what i suggest is that you have an open dialogue with your husband… Always remember that he is suffering and your no longer not thanks to the tools you habe gained. When talking with him, let him know about your feeling and emotions, have that open line of communication with him, or else you will suffer in the relationship. Your feelings does matter! You will have resentments if you allow this to go on longer without speaking to him about changing his patterns. You dont want to blow up eithier and thats what normally happens when one person is lacking in relationship. My suggestions is that he utilizes the tools that you habe both learned and get back on wright path of recovery. Remember he your partner and his feelings are valid also. So go easy in conversation when speaking about the addictions. Good Luck to you both!.