What to do when your partner is neglecting you?

trust
recovery
communication
#1

He’s been on subs for the past few weeks (almost month), but this week something feels off. He skipped his program twice and I saw open tabs on his computer on a Reddit opiates thread. Yesterday, he flipped out on me because I locked our bedroom door for a minute, got up and left for the whole day without a word of where he was going.

The moment I open my mouth he literally bites my head off. I feel like I can’t even speak, let alone just be in the same room as him without him feeling irritated. TBH, I’m fed up. I’ve been dealing with this shit for the past year. He’s not pulling his weight around the house. He hasn’t cleaned up or worried about if the bills get paid. Yet, he is SO concerned about when I’m going to therapy and yesterday told me I changed and called me a b*tch. Idk what that means. In fact, I haven’t felt better! I got a new job online recently that I really enjoy. I am going to my first therapy appointment tomorrow. I have been giving him space.

Does he feel threatened that I am making so many positive changes? I have no idea.

I asked him if he’s using, but he denied it. When is it time to say enough is enough?

#2

Same. Our (his) house is falling apart, he has not done a lick of yard work, he expects me to do everything. He lost his life savings when he retired due to drinking and gambling and now drives for Uber. Seriously??? and then tells me its my turn to take care of him. He is not my husband and the house is not in my name, because for years he held that over my head. Now he wants me to take over. Which I will never. I have lost all respect for him. I am back in school at night and he will not ask about my day or my school work. And I just don’t even want to spend any time alone with him, he makes me so uncomfortable.

#4

Early recovery is hard. Hell, long term recovery is hard. On everyone. One thing I have heard from multiple counselors during my husband’s early recovery was that in the beginning, even for the first full year, his recovery is going to come first. And that might mean some of your issues might not get addressed right away. Now I’m not saying that means you should only focus on him, but it might mean that he’s only focusing on him right now. And that you might have to pick up some of the slack even more in the household to support his recovery. There will be days, maybe even weeks when he’s not acting himself. Don’t take it personally.

You’re both going through a really difficult time and what I’ve learned is that in order to love someone else fully, you have to learn to love yourself. So you focus on you, your needs, and remember there is a balance. You’re in a relationship together, and while you’re his support, you have your recovery too, and it shouldn’t be ignored. One thing that might help - does he have a counselor at his treatment center? During my husband’s early recovery, we’d see his counselor together every week or every other week. It helped in seeing how we could work on recovery while still addressing the needs of our relationship. Eventually we began seeing a marriage counselor.

And another thing multiple therapists have told me - TRUST YOUR GUT. It’s been really helpful for me, especially when I start getting weird feelings about his using.

#3

I’m sorry you are in that situation! It just makes me upset that he is failing to see how pressure and stress I am under yet trying to prevail by making changes. He expects me to change overnight (I suffer from bouts of anxiety and depression). Yet, I never expected him to change overnight with his addiction. I feel like when he needs something from me, he is there. But, the moment I may need something from him, it’s like POOF, he’s gone. I have never pointed fingers at him for being unemployed bc I know he is going to treatment. But, when he is slacking in treatment, and neglecting me, then I have a problem. And the worst part is he will make time to text people or talk to people (esp if its for drugs), but ignore me. They don’t realize how it hurts the relationship when they do these things.

I think the best thing we both can do is focus on ourselves right now! We can only save ourselves. Proud of you for going to school at night, that is amazing and you should give yourself so many pats on the back. Continue to work hard!

#6

My loved one would definitely look at reddit opioid threads while he was ongoing treatment at a methadone clinic. He would tell me all about postings his scores on there and even after he started going to the clinic he was still taking lots of benzos and posting pics on his on twitter. He told me about posting on reddit for recommendations for “pill shopping” for a benzo prescription from a doctor. When I met him, he had been in treatment at the clinic for 1 1/2 years but he was still taking benzos and drinking heavily. He got a DUI and stopped taking benzos but I worry it was only because he didn’t have money and a ride to get them. He was drinking after this throughout our almost year relationship which I ended after he was arguing with me about me paying for his liquor. I have had limited contact with him for the past 6 weeks. I still care for him so deeply but some time and space has been really beneficial to me. I felt like I was obsessing over his life when he was basically living with me and I was trying to help but It really made things worse for both of us. He has told me recently that he is not straight edge but since the breakup he said he hadn’t been drinking. You’re not alone and it sucks. Try to do something extra nice for yourself and take a deep breath and really enjoy it. I am grateful for this community and everyone sharing their struggles and successes

#5

He ended up going to his program this morning. He wasn’t going to go, but I guess he changed his mind. I have been texting him and was pretty much straight forward with him. I told him it’s unrealistic for him to try to get me to change myself overnight and an unfair expectation to have of me. Especially since I don’t expect that of him when it comes to his addiction. I did see his former drug dealer’s name pop up on his phone last night. I suspect something is going on, but it makes it hard on me when he denies it! Then, there is only so much I can say or do in terms of asking, without it seeming like I’m going off assumptions or “snooping”.

The part that frustrates me is that he said I’m not the same person I was when we first started dating. Of course I’m not!!! I was the girl who was snooping through his phone and worrying about him non-stop. Currently, I’m focusing on myself, my well-being, and my mental health. I don’t even have the password to his phone anymore and I intend to keep it that way. I don’t bring up his addiction unless he comes to me or I truly am worried about him (this is something he brought up so I implemented it). Yet, he insists I’m co-dependent and think of him as a “god”. This made me laugh. I was like can you please listen to yourself for a second.

I know he does two group sessions at his center. I’m not sure if he has one specific counselor, but I think it would be helpful to go if that is an option! I will have to look into it!

Sorry for the rant! I just needed to vent and get all of this off my chest. I appreciate your response and suggestions.