Where do controlling behaviors end and self advocacy begin?

recovery
self-care
communication
#1

I am attempting to recover from codependent tendencies. Unfortunately my partner and I are having a really rough go. They are an alcoholic as well as a sex and love addict. Anyway, they’re in recovery since 2016, but sometimes they get obsessed with things or people. Currently they’re obsessed with this facebook group and people from it.

We’ve been fighting a ton. Mostly around unmet needs. I feel like I’m alone all the time while they are never around or on their phone. And every fight we have - I am trying to negotiate with myself “Is this codependent controlling? or is this self advocacy?” How can I tell the difference?

#2

I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying.

My husband was addicted to cocaine and porn - I learned they tend to go hand in hand. 2.5 years into recovery and we’re still figuring things out.

I came across this image on instagram this morning and your question made me think it might be relevant. I like how it shows a line between activities we can do to protect ourselves and be strong while also being kind and empathetic to ourselves and those around us.

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It’s hard work but I wonder if it might be a helpful exercise for you (and me both!) Another community member @LisaMarie suggested writing things down and I think it’s a super smart idea to help draw out the distinctions and balance.

#3

Regarding the fighting, here are a few tips to have a constructive conversation with your partner…

  1. Find a neutral time to talk with your partner, if the conversation gets sticky then put it on pause for another time.

  2. Ask for permission to have the discussion on a particular topic, this way their you have buy in!

  3. Find neutral territory - things you can agree on (eg. we both want to feel loved and cared for.)

  4. If you want to get them thinking / acknowledging some addictive behavior that’s having negative consequences, draw their attention to the negative consequences not the behavior (eg. how do you feel after you spend hours in this facebook group / on your phone? This has two beneficial effects, it 1. will help you understand the benefit and what they get from it and 2. will set the seed in their mind to think about what they get from the activity - the positive and negative, and this sets the seeds for planting ideas about making changes.)

  5. Ask your partner to help find solutions (eg. what do you think we could do to make more time to care for one another? OR what are some of the ways we might spend quality time together?)

A note from the Village :love_letter:: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.
P.S. Here’s a little video on the topic of conversations if helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGLc0Cmp2cA

#4

You are not alone @Rebecca_Ross, many people struggle with dissecting how they engage with their loved ones to figure out if they’re being helpful or not. Being in a relationship with someone who is in recovery almost always requires open communication about each person’s needs, unmet needs, and ways to get needs met. Take a look at @Jane’s previous post with communication tips - they are very helpful! Leaning towards controlling behaviors can seem instinctual in the relationship dynamic, but speaking your mind about how you feel is much healthier than repressing how you feel and allowing the negative behaviors to continue.

Self advocacy involves having the ability to speak up for yourself, set healthy boundaries, learn to say what you feel at the appropriate time, and learning to assert yourself in a calm way so when you face a disagreement (such as your partner being on his phone all the time) you don’t get caught up in fighting or damaging your partner. When you get caught up in the madness of the argument it’s possible to neglect your own views and needs as well as damage your partner - this isn’t helpful for either party.

I wish I could provide an easy answer but this isn’t a black or white situation - you’re asserting yourself but it’s leading to a lot of fighting. By engaging in healthier communication around the presenting issue, you can advocate for yourself and not feel controlling because it will hopefully become a two way conversation. Ultimately you cannot control anyone’s behaviors, actions, reactions, or emotions. However, you can learn to express how you feel about their behaviors and actions in a way that fosters positive change and understanding on both ends. Example: “When I see you on your phone it makes me feel lonely, would it be possible to try spending time together without our phones so we can really connect?”

Let me know if this is helpful, or if you have any other questions about this tricky topic!