My fiancé went to a treatment center and then relapsed. He came out very angry at me. No matter what I said, he was angry. Then he started working with a new counselor and suddenly he needed a break from the relationship— overnight. No input from me. He shut me out of everything. To the point that I finally left. I simply don’t understand. Number one, I was supportive. Doing all the things. Alanon. Working with a specialist. Reading everything I can get my hands on. Number two, I think the new counselor told him that I wasn’t good for him or that I was a trigger. Every time I would ask questions, he would say stop texting or I will block you. Which didn’t make sense. And then he would give business-like answers, which isn’t like him at all. Things like “I’m working on myself and I hope you’re working on yourself too.” Of course I was, but I was never a part of this decision. It’s like there was no communication and it broke our family apart. I’m doing my best to cope. But it really hurts. I love him. And it got to the point where there was nothing I could do because I was not heard anymore. Has anyone been through anything like this? I don’t understand how I went from being his biggest cheerleader to the bad guy. I stood by him through all of it. Faithfully. And I don’t drink. So that wasn’t it. Any advice would be so helpful. Thank you.
Why did my fiancé get sober and distance himself from me?
I’m going through the exact same thing right now. My fiancée went to detox, relapsed after some family issues, and now has been in rehab for over 3 months. She was supposed to come home on April 2nd, but I’m the reason she went back. She did graduate, but she told me she can come home whenever she wants. But now she’s just completely shutting me out. She won’t talk to me or anything. My therapist says what we’re experiencing is a pursuit/retreat cycle. She doesn’t get angry towards me, but she just goes over 24 hours without even reaching out to me. It makes me question our relationship…
Hey @Alexus - thanks for sharing your story here. I hear you - it’s so painful and confusing when you’ve done all the things to be supportive, and then you’re suddenly treated like the problem. That shift can feel like it came out of nowhere, and it’s hard not to take it personally, especially when you’ve stood by him, stayed sober yourself, and have been doing your own work too.
It’s great that you’ve been using this time for your own well-being. How has Al-Anon been working? Have you read Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change? It goes into the CRAFT approach, which is what We The Village bases its program on, too. One of the main things is positive communication. I know you mentioned there is no communication, yet it often takes several tries to get a real productive conversation going. Recovery takes time - it can take years of work from everyone involved. I had to do a lot of work letting go of my own resentments, and realizing that holding on to my anger was just not helping me move forward or heal my relationship with my loved one.
If you’re interested in getting more support with communication and learning more about CRAFT, the next group starts on April 30!
A note from the Village
: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.