Why does he give his affection then pull it away again and again?

recovery
#1

I am dating a younger man in heroin recovery about 1 year in. He started using because he was bullied and emotionally tormented as an adolescent. He used for 8 years, has been in recovery before, off and on, really trying. He gets close to me affectionately and then pulls back, saying he wants to go slow. So I did, then he sped up again, then when I responded, he is now going slow again. I do not understand this behavior bit want to. Because right about now, I feel my self-esteem starting to take a hit…as if I am not good enough or something is wrong with me. Any help would be most welcome…

#2

This is a tough one. I know that when my partner came out of rehab everyone had advised that it was best not to get into relationships for at least a year after. Given some nuances in our circumstances we got married soon after he came out of rehab and it has been a tough but rewarding relationship since then. Supporting my husband through his recovery we really didn’t have a guidebook. That’s part of why we wanted to start Village. Because there’s no roadmap or guidebook to how to navigate this chaotic and sometimes insane journey.

What I want to express is that:

  1. recovery takes time - my husband is 2.5 years into recovery and just now are we really getting to the bottom of and uncovering some of the underlying causes and thought patterns that have been problematic.
  2. in my case, though it has been so hard, it has been worth it. At the heart of it, he always gave me reasons to believe in him. My husband is a remarkable man and I am glad I stuck by him.
  3. this is not the same for everyone, and I cannot predict what will happen in the future. I can only speak to what I believe now and have experienced to date.
  4. we cannot fully understand their journey through recovery so please don’t take it personally (I still have to remind myself on this one!)
  5. remember that it’s not about you, try to keep communication lines open and wait for calm moments to have a conversation and inquire about how he feels, why he reacts in certain ways. Be careful not to push too hard as this tends to close down conversations. It’s OK if you need to revisit it another day.
#4

Thank you so much for time taken to reply. All was helpful but the very last point was the most helpful to me…it is not about me! How freeing to remember this…thank you!

#3

I did a video in my facebook group about this. And I figured out how to upload to YouTube! :slight_smile:

Let me know if you have any trouble accessing it.

erin