My husband has been dealing with addiction all his life. And I know people have slip ups - or he calls them mistakes. I call then choices he makes. But he keeps having these slip ups. He says his life is slipping away so that’s when he does it. I don’t think I can take anymore. I love him but he won’t go to rehab. He thinks he can do it on his own but I don’t think he can. We have been together for 9 months and it just keeps happening. He left over the weekend I went and looked for him - it took me 72 hours to find him. Why does he do this? How am I going to make it through this? What if he does it again and doesn’t come back next time? What if he goes to jail? I am tired if being alone and feeling alone. When you are in a marriage you are not supposed to feel like this.
Why does he not see that his addiction is tearing our family apart?
Hi @Kjordon89, I’m so sorry you’re having a rough go, we’re here for you. First I want to say, you will make it through this and begin to feel less anxiety/worry simply by beginning to reach out for help. Whenever I hear “I don’t think I can take anymore” my gut is to guide you to begin to put yourself first and engage in self-care. Do something nice for yourself, make it a daily practice, and over time you will feel more strength from within. If you can find support in your own family/friends or his you won’t be alone or feel alone in coping with this. Support for us, the loved ones, is just as important as it is for the substance users. Is there anyone you can share your journey with who you can think of who will be supportive and helpful?
Now, to answer the question of “Why does he do this?” I’m going to give a bit of the neuroscience behind addiction to try and highlight that he isn’t choosing to hurt you or tear you family apart, rather, the substances are impairing his ability to make decisions.
The frontal cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for morality, judgment, and personality. It’s where we weigh options and understand consequences, where we have emotional being, and where we find spiritual meaning. Substances work in the midbrain which is responsible for reward learning memories that give us pleasure such as eating, defending ourselves, sex, and survival skills. Usually the frontal cortex keeps the midbrain in check, but in active addiction it is the reverse. There is impaired thinking, choice making, and lack of realization of consequences. The substance becomes the number one goal, above sex, defending ourselves, eating, and surviving. What happens on a neurological level hopefully helps get a better understanding of the circumstances, however I know it doesn’t take away the pain. With patience, time, and positivity (as well as you taking care of yourself) change is possible. It takes time but the brain can heal!
Sending you 
Oh, @Kjordon89. You’re right that marriage isn’t supposed to feel like that - especially not this early on! Thank you for trusting us with your heart.
@erica is spot on when she says that simply by reaching for help, you will feel less alone. Let us share the weight with you, okay?
What’s something nice you can do for yourself today? It doesn’t have to be crazy (sometimes I think we over-hype this idea of “self care”) - maybe it’s just washing your hair or going to bed an hour earlier. Something that puts you first.