Do I tell my children I am going to al-anon and why?

children
communication
alcohol
#1

We just started confronting my husband who I am separated from since June that he has a drinking problem that has caused a breakdown with our family and some of his friendships. It was suggested that I attend an al-anon meeting to be able to deal with this. My kids are 13 and 15. I am planning to attend my first al-anon meeting later today. Do I tell my children where I am going or lie and make up a story why I’m leaving the house for a little while?..

#2

As someone going to Al-Anon myself, I think you should be open with your kids. Even suggest them to go Al-Teen. Even though I was suggested by my boyfriend who is currently in recovery as an addict, going to Al Anon has allowed me to confront my father’s drinking problem.

If not before, tell them after! Showing them you are taking care of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of.

#3

Thanks for asking @Lynniesuzanne <3
Without knowing the pros and cons weighing in your mind about this and the specific relationships / history I can share perspective from my experience.

I’ve found that the more empathetic, optimistic and transparent we can be on the topic of addiction the better it is for the family to normalize the issue and helps the family heal. I think especially if the kids already know that there’s been something going on it might feel more comforting for them to know that you are taking some positive action and looking after yourself.

I imagine you’re going to get support for yourself and learn more about addiction / alcoholism which will be helpful to the family. We can’t take care of anyone when we’re not taking care of ourselves first and your doing just that - so this is great!

Couple tips on communicating positively which can help our messages be heard and understood (especially on these tricky topics):
7 Positive Communication Skills

  1. Be brief (keep it short)
  2. Be positive (always look at the positive side of a situation)
    *it will be great for everyone for you to get more support in this area
  3. Be specific and clear (concentrate on one area)
  4. Label your feelings (i feel…)
  5. Offer an understanding statement (i understand why…)
    *address any concerns, empathize with them
  6. Accept partial responsibility (i know that this is partly my fault because…)
    *could be simply that you haven’t had support for haven’t known enough about addiction / alcoholism
  7. Offer to help (i’d like to…)
    *could be to share what you learn, or as @stayhopeful244 mentioned, find them a meeting if you / they’d find it useful

A note from the Village :love_letter:: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.

#4

Yes it is very crucial the truth start coming out whether this is about your husband or your children they all need to know why you are seeking help.

#5

Sharing addiction - in any capacity with children (and others) can be a scary thing! I struggled with trying to hide my husbands addiction, and subsequent recovery from my children for many years. For me, attending a 12-step program of my own helped to provide me with insight, information, personal growth, and most importantly courage - I learned very quickly that the program was about ME! I also learned that recovery is a process, so initially, I did not share where I was going with my children, but I did not lie - I was simply going “out” and would be back. Then as I grew in my own recovery - I was going to a meeting that was “helping me learn more about myself”, and eventually I invited my children to join me - especially when I started sharing. For me, “growing” is a journey and not a destination…self-care and love are critical for our peace xoxoxo

#6

I know my husband was always glad I was getting support from meetings or any other supportive activities. I’m sure your kids will be happy for you too <3

Let us know how it goes @Lynniesuzanne

#7

@Lynniesuzanne hope your meeting went well! I went to an Al Anon meeting this morning too. I finally feel like I’m part of something and have a community of support. I hope you found the same serenity today. Always here to chat about AA😊

#8

Great question @Lynniesuzanne. I’m not a parent, so I certainly cannot pretend to know what’s the right way for you or your family! And I tend to think that ‘vulnerability is the best policy’ (is that how the saying goes?! :wink:) - even if you need to break it down into appropriate language/content for a 13- or 15-year old.

Think you are probably in your meeting right now. When you feel ready, would love to hear what you decided with your kids?

#9

Yeah I think so, I think it would be helpful for their own growth to now where you’re going and understand why and what Al-Anon is about.

#10

Thank you thank you thank you everyone for your replies. I did not tell them the truth cause I know their dad isn’t there with admitting and taking full responsibility that alcohol had something to do with the breakdown of his relationship w/ them or me. He knows it broke down some friendships, though. Since he’s trying to process if alcohol is a part of his breakdown with his family, I thought it would piss him off if I told the kids he was an alcoholic so I needed a support group to help me. I was told to go to the beginner al-anon meeting which would help me on this touchy area so I will next week. :heart:️

#11

Thanks for sharing with us @Lynniesuzanne every situation is unique and it’s super helpful to hear how each journey plays out so we can all learn. Please keep sharing with us <3

How did it feel today?

#12

Yes keep the lines of communication open it creates stability and proves to them your doing something about the situation and making a new you!

#13

Thanks for looping back here @Lynniesuzanne! You know your situation better than any of us, so I’m glad you made a decision that feels good to you.

What did you think of your first meeting?

#14

This makes me think of a post from a while back @Jane on a similar topic.

I would say go with your gut, you know your children more than anyone! If you have a professional in your life (therapist for example) consult with them about it - use your resources! :slight_smile: In addition it may be helpful to find an adolescent therapist who has knowledge in family dynamics and addiction. Regarding the impact on you, I’d say be mindful of what you share and whether it’s important for them to hear or not. We can get caught up in the moment sometimes and it may be helpful to write out what you want to share with them before you do. This way you don’t let your emotions take over!

#15

Great question and ultimately let your conscience be your guide.

I can share my experience, as a child of an alcoholic and grand child of an alcoholic.
I figured out early what was going on with my dad and mom was honest with us - yet it wasn’t something that was hiding - dad was obvious with his drinking as he kept majority of it in the house till he passed out. As a young teen, Dad’s mom came to live with us. In time, she grew more nasty…why? Well, I thought is was me and I believed the ugly things she said to me. I was not told she had whiskey in her “coffee” mug. If I had known, I certainly would have understood better what was going on and the ugly that comes from alcohol. I would not have believed the things she said to me (i.e. i’m fat, ugly, stupid, etc.) as such a sensitive growth time of a young girl. It took years to see it differently. I look back at pictures to see the child I really was and not through eyes of grand mom. I also explained to my son at a young age my dad’s drinking as he would say inappropriate things. While I explained gently as my son was young, and dad was a dry drunk; I believe information can provide support and understanding and deflect some of the ugly that goes with addiction.
I do wish you peace of mind for you and your children. We are all doing our best on this journey of recovery.

#16

As someone who has been the child on the receiving end of this, yes, I believe you should tell your kids you’re going to Al-Anon. When my dad would go to AA for his drinking problem, he felt as though creating a conversation around it would hold him accountable. I felt sometimes like I didn’t want to even hear him talking about going to AA, just because the whole problem upset me so much, but it was good to know that he was making an effort. However, I do wish he talked more about what actually went on within the sessions. I think Al-Anon and AA can seem a bit daunting from the outside— even leaving the house and keeping where you’re going a secret can inflate the elephant in the room.

I think it’s worthwhile to mention to your kids you’re going to Al-Anon. There’s a good chance they’re already well aware of the problem and want to know if their parents are making an effort to find some sort of solution. Although the topic can be tough to discuss, it’s a better option than leaving the elephant in the room. If you don’t tell them where you’re going, they might start to become anxious about it, which is the last thing they need. When you talk to them, explain your reasoning for going, how the problem has been affecting you, and make sure you ask them if they have any questions. That should do the trick :slight_smile: