How do I talk to children about a family member's addiction?

[Jacqui]

Many of our Villagers and CRAFT Group participants have asked how to address a family member’s addiction with children.

Here are a few common questions, and how to apply the CRAFT approach when talking to children about substance use disorder.

When and how to talk to kids?

Hi everyone, first post here although I’ve been active in many other message boards and Instagram for years. My question is about talking to your kids and explaining what is happening. First some quick background. My wife and I have been married for nearly 14 years. We have 2 children, a 12 year old and a 10 year old. My wife has been struggling with alcoholism for just about 10 years now. She is not a daily drinker, but she probably drinks 2-3 times a month. She hides her drinking so I don’t kn…

Do I tell my children I am going to al-anon and why?

We just started confronting my husband who I am separated from since June that he has a drinking problem that has caused a breakdown with our family and some of his friendships. It was suggested that I attend an al-anon meeting to be able to deal with this. My kids are 13 and 15. I am planning to attend my first al-anon meeting later today. Do I tell my children where I am going or lie and make up a story why I’m leaving the house for a little while?..

What do I say to young children about a loved one struggling with addiction?

This question comes up in a lot of different circumstances. How do you deal with this topic when young children are involved? *Posting on behalf of a Village Community member

[erica]

I know from personal experience that young children are aware something is going on when another member of the family is struggling with addiction. My brother’s struggles began when he was about 14-15 years old, and I was 8 or 9. I remember a lot of fighting and chaos in the home until he went to college. I think as a way to protect me, my parents shielded me from everything that was happening, but I vividly remember being very anxious as a child about the fighting and yelling that went on - terrified my parents were going to get divorced. It wasn’t until later in life (through my graduate school program and my own therapy) that I realized how much this experience in my past impacted my life.

Looking back I wish my family included me in some of the family therapy surrounding my brother’s use so I wasn’t in a state of anxiety and fear all the time. Children absorb a lot of what is happening around them, so finding a way to acknowledge something is going on with the loved one who is struggling and reassuring them that they didn’t do anything wrong and it’s being taken care of would be really helpful.

Using CRAFT skills to talk to children about a family member’s addiction

At We The Village, we use Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) to help family members support their loved ones through addiction and recovery. The skills learned through CRAFT can also be applied to other situations - for example, when talking to children about a parent’s addiction.

Focus on Positive Communication

• CRAFT emphasizes using clear, calm, and nonjudgmental communication to help them feel safe and reduce defensiveness.

• For example:
  Instead of blame - “Your dad doesn’t care about us” try:
  “Sometimes addiction can make it hard for Dad to see how his choices affect us, but we’re working through this together.”

Validate Their Feelings

• A core CRAFT skill involves acknowledging and validating feelings to create a safe emotional space. Let your child know their emotions—whatever they are—are okay and normal. This creates a safe space for them to be honest and express themselves.

• For example:
  “It’s okay if this makes you feel confused, sad, or even angry. Those are normal feelings to have. I feel that way, too. I’m here to talk about any feelings you’re having, whenever you want.”

Use of Positive Reinforcement

• CRAFT teaches reinforcing strengths and good behaviors, however small, even in difficult situations.

• Celebrate your child’s openness by saying things like:
  “I’m so proud of you for asking questions and sharing how you feel. That’s really brave.”

Explain How Addiction Works and Reduce Stigma

• CRAFT encourages learning about the science of addiction and reducing the stigma surrounding substance use disorders to maintain a compassionate perspective. Help your child understand what addiction is without feeling ashamed. Letting them know addiction is actually common (46% of Americans reported to have a loved one struggling with a substance use disorder) can help them feel less alone or different.

• For example:
  “Addiction can change how the brain works, which can make it really hard for your brother to control how much he drinks or to see the negative consequences. It’s kind of like the addiction hides the important skills he needs to make good choices. It’s something that a lot of families experience. You just never know what other people are going through.”

Connection and Collaboration

• CRAFT is all about empowering family members to enable positive change through connection and collaboration, as opposed to detaching or controlling.

• For example:
  “Even though Mom is struggling, we’re still a family, and we’ll work through this together to make sure everyone is safe and taken care of.”

Continue the Conversation

• CRAFT stresses creating opportunities for ongoing communication to build trust and connection.

• For example:
  “If you ever have questions or want to talk about what’s going on, you can come to me anytime. There’s nothing too big or too small to share.”

Tips for Ongoing Support

• Be Honest, But Age-Appropriate
  Avoid overwhelming children with details, especially about things they might not fully understand, while naming what is going on, providing a safe space and validating their experience of it.

• Model Self Care
  Show how you’re handling stress in healthy ways, such as talking to a friend, exercising, or seeking your own support.

• Provide Healthy Outlets
  Encourage journaling, drawing, or other creative activities for younger children who might not be ready to talk directly. Practice breathing exercises, meditation, or movement. Do these activities together as an opportunity to spend time with and engage with your child.

• Create Safe Space that Focuses on Them
  Make time to engage with them, separate from the issues surrounding addiction. This can be difficult when so much energy is spent supporting the family member through addiction and recovery, but it helps to reassure the child that their own issues and challenges are important, too, and that their emotional needs are met.

• Normalize Seeking Help
  Let them know it’s okay to talk to a trusted adult, school counselor, or therapist if they need additional support.

• Revisit the Conversation
  As children grow and mature, they might have new questions or need further reassurance. Keep the dialogue open.

• Allow a Focus on the Good
  Practice gratitude by celebrating the things that are going right in the family and with the child, however small they might seem.

Additional Resources

Here are resources our team of coaches and mentors at We The Village have compiled through research that might be helpful to families when talking to children about addiction. Please note these are not endorsements and we have not participated in or read all of the resources below. We ask you to also research to see what feels like the right fit for your needs! Let us know what you think or if you have recommendations! We’re all in this together.

Sesame Street video series on Addiction

The Addiction Inoculation (book)

Children’s books:

• A Sickness You Can’t See by Laura Washington

• Floating Away by Andrew J. Bauman

• Howler: A Wolf on the Road to Recovery by Cheri Colburn & Joseph Pfeffer

• Jumper by Shelley Call Flake

Hazelden programs for children and teens

Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through a Child’s Eyes: Hope, Help, and Healing for Families (book)