How do I support his sobriety and also my own needs?


#1

I’m in love more than I’ve ever been before but it hurts so much. I met him after he got sober for the first time. He lives in Seattle, I’m in Nashville. He was sober for six weeks before relapsing and eventually going back. During that time, I stayed up practically every night talking to him. When he went to rehab, I wrote him a card practically every day and he wrote me long letters back. I love the way he looks at the world, who he is, the nuances that he sees. But I also recognize the unresolved wounds that are not mine to fix. We’ve been very intentional about doing our own work. I’ve been going through a lot and told him I need to rely on the women in my life to carry me through it. I’ve been upfront from the beginning that I have feelings for him. Over the course of eight months, he’s been all over the place with how he feels. It’s been a rollercoaster for me. He’d go through periods of talking every day and then weeks of just once a week. I’m not asking to be in a relationship, I know that’s not smart, but I can’t keep engaging unless he’s okay at least with me falling even harder for him. I recognize in recovery that he can’t give me that. But I don’t know if that’s a reasonable expectation or what mine should be.
I saw him last month. Beforehand, he said nothing physical could happen after months of saying otherwise. I was confused but agreed. But then he kissed me. Then he held me for several hours in bed. Then he slept with me. I kept asking over and over and over again if it was okay. He kept saying yes. The next day he broke down and said he couldn’t handle intimate situations. I broke down crying. I am so mad at myself for doing this to him. He said that we needed to table questions about what we are and where we are going which is fair. but for me, there’s an intimacy there that I can’t ignore or put to the side. I can’t keep falling in love with him when he doesn’t know if he wants it. As we left it, I told him to reach out when he’s ready. It’s been three weeks. I’m moving forward, taking steps, loving my life. I don’t need him. But I love him. I rarely fall in love. I just don’t know if I need to respect what I said about him being the one to reach out, or maybe in three months or so I can just send a simple text. What would be the healthiest measure? I know for me the limbo of someone not knowing how they feel about me and giving mixed messages constantly puts me in limbo and brings up old wounds. I don’t know what letting go looks like. He said we would see each other again. I miss him so much. I know we both need to focus on ourselves. I just don’t know if I should reach back out to say I am still there.

I know that we need to be in each others lives when it’s at a time when we are healthy enough to be there for one another and have a dynamic that makes us both feel safe. I just don’t know how to stop hoping for that and beating myself up for how I feel and Thayer cant talk now


#3

Hi @Cutechaos1 - gah, I feel you. I really do. My husband has a substance use disorder, and loving him through addiction and recovery has been both painful and transforming for me. I can tell you that recovery is possible, and being in a healthy relationship with someone in recovery is possible. It sounds like both of you are committed to your own self care, healing, and recovery. That’s amazing to hear. The first step forward is inward.

I’ve learned from this Village Community that the opposite of addiction is connection. I think connecting with your loved one can be helpful for his recovery, and even more helpful if you are in a healthy place in your life and able to set the boundaries you need to set for yourself. Knowing that you are there to support him, whether he is in recovery or not, whether you are intimate or not, can give him the motivation he needs to continue positive change.

For me, years ago, letting go looked like leaving the state when my husband was in active addiction and I needed space to heal. I went to stay with family, not knowing what would happen next, but trying my hardest to let go of the outcome and hold on to the hope that whatever happened, things would turn out okay. I would be okay. And everything did turn out okay - he detoxed during that time, we started going to couples therapy, and we got better. There were still slips after that, and ups and downs, but that is what it is to be in a relationship with someone in addiction and recovery.

I’m glad you shared your story here. How are you doing today?


#5

@momentsandlight I don’t know if I made a mistake. I reached out to him to ask what the space was for, if he planned to indefinitely not talk to me, I didn’t realize space/time meant no contact. He never responded. I don’t know how to interpret that.


#4

@momentsandlight I’m really struggling. I’m so tempted to reach out to him and keep obsessing over it. I miss him so much. He’s been reaching out to my other friends to see how they are but not reaching out to me. He needs support right now. But from what I’m gathering, he can’t have it with me because feelings are involved. It’s really triggering for me that he has taken space after sleeping with me. He had said we would keep in touch but I’m guessing it’s because it was too much for him? He said he loved time with me, that we would see each other again.
It ended with me spiraling over feeling like I fucked up. He had said he’s not ready for a relationship or dealing with feelings but his actions said otherwise. I really wish that we could just be friends. All I want is to support him through this. It left with me saying to reach out when he’s ready. We’ve been no contact for almost six weeks. It’s not getting easier for me. He does have avoidant attachment style. He said that we needed to put the questions of us on hold and I told him I didn’t know how to do that when we had sex and intimate situations. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to keep replaying things in my head. I can’t handle push and pull behavior without being triggered. I love him so much and I don’t know what loving him during this season should look like.
I keep replaying things in my mind, trying to get reassurance that he will be back or that I’m doing the right thing. There’s a part of me that’s really hurt that it ended with me sobbing and he hasn’t checked in. I’m so scared that he’s going to stop talking to me for another girl he’s still able to talk to but I know he can’t talk to me bc of feelings but I don’t know where to have peace.


#7

@jewelrydiva70 how do I move on while not constantly wanting him to come back and wondering if he will? I have blamed how he’s treated me all on his behavior but I don’t think it’s a fair excuse. It hurts so much.


#6

@Cutechaos1
I feel for you! Your pain makes my heart ache.
However, I feel you need to stop putting this on yourself. You did nothing wrong. He set up the boundaries and insisted on breaking them. He is the one who has control over himself. You did not coerce him into doing anything and he needs to be accountable for his own actions. Whether that is to use, stay in recovery and even reach out. He knows you are there to support him, and has the ability to communicate with you if he is doing it with his other friends. I wouldn’t reach out any further and you need to look at this relationship and decide if it is the best thing for you. You may love him, but he is not showing you love back, not even as a friend and that can be devastating. If he was relying on your support, I feel it would be a different story. But he is almost avoiding you. I know you may not want to, but it may be time for you to close the book on this chapter in your life. Give yourself the healing and love you deserve.
Jewelrydiva70


#8

Hi @Cutechaos1 - How are things going today?

It’s great that your loved one has found recovery. It’s tough, especially in early recovery, because the brain is still healing from the effects of heavy substance use. And for people in early recovery, maintaining that sobriety is often their biggest priority. For whatever reason, it seems like your loved one sees a relationship with you as a distraction from that. Is he in AA or another 12-step program? I think some of those programs actually discourage starting relationships or making big changes within the first year of recovery. Don’t take it personally or put the blame on yourself. Focus on how you can take care of yourself at this time, and learn what you can about addiction and how to best communicate with someone in recovery. So when he is ready to connect again, you’ll be in a healthy space to support him.

If you enjoy reading, there are some great book recommendations in this thread.

And here is another thread in the community from someone in a similar situation:
Why would my bf leave 5 months into recovery?

Tagging @rltybites here too, who recently posted about rebuilding trust and no contact with loved one. @rltybites - Any support, experience, or words of encouragement you can share? Let’s lift each other up - we’re not alone! :sparkles:


#9

Is it best for me to not reach out to him indefinitely? I’m just so confused. He said that we could stay in touch but I had to tell him that I couldn’t talk to him until he figured out what he wanted with us. I hate myself for telling him that I can’t talk to him until he figures out how he feels about me. I don’t know if that’s selfish and that it’s alot asking of someone in recovery but I’m trying to protect myself. It has felt like every day for the last seven months I’ve been replaying every memory and word trying to process how he feels. I didn’t mean to pressure him, I am just someone who needs clarity. My brain is trying to grapple with if he is cutting me off or simply taking space. I asked for clarification and he never replied. I didn’t mean to cross boundaries by bringing the questions of us up. I’m beating myself up.


#10

Is it best for me to not reach out to him indefinitely? I’m just so confused. He said that we could stay in touch but I had to tell him that I couldn’t talk to him until he figured out what he wanted with us. I hate myself for telling him that I can’t talk to him until he figures out how he feels about me. I don’t know if that’s selfish and that it’s alot asking of someone in recovery but I’m trying to protect myself. It has felt like every day for the last seven months I’ve been replaying every memory and word trying to process how he feels. I have asked him a few times of clarity like if he sees this ever going anywhere, if he has feelings for me. When he takes distance, I’ve asked if I did anything wrong. My therapist keeps saying that what I am asking is not unreasonable but me trying to meet my own needs which he can’t give me right now. I didn’t mean to pressure him, I am just someone who needs clarity. My brain is trying to grapple with if he is cutting me off or simply taking space. I asked for clarification and he never replied. I didn’t mean to cross boundaries by bringing the questions of us up. I’m beating myself up. I don’t know if I’m bad for him and why and what emotions it’s bringing up. I am very engaged in community and therapy and art but it won’t stop the spiraling and pain.
I panicked when we were together and he said the dynamic was too much for him right now. The last thing I want is to make him feel unsafe.


#11

It’s very possible that he doesn’t know what he needs or wants at this time, and so can’t give you the clarity that you need. I think a next step might be for you to be okay with not knowing. Can you move forward without clarity?

Community, therapy, art - all super amazing tools to support your healing! I think what’s important to note is that these things won’t stop the pain. My husband has been in recovery for years, and the pain and anxiety and triggers still come up for me. But the tools I keep in my back pocket - journaling, gratitude lists, community - are there to help me create safe space for the pain and fear and then let them go so I don’t start spiraling.

Hope that helps some, @Cutechaos1! Sending you love :sparkles:


#12

So you think the best thing I can do is give him space and not reach out? Let him come to me?


#13

I’m so scared of losing him. But I deserve people who want to be in my life and if he wants to, he will.


#14

You already reached out and he didn’t respond -

Do you think there would be a different response if you reached out again?