What have you done or said to try to get your loved one into rehab, to a support group, or take steps toward recovery? What worked, and what hasn’t?
I have begged, threatened, cried but come to realize that it’s his choice to get help and MY choice to set boundaries that I will accept or not. Very hard to do because it’s against the very core of nurturing and protecting as a Mom but am working on accepting his choices are not my fault and he has to live with his consequences
It’s not your fault ️
Yes, that is where I am at too. I find it hard to let go and let my daughter fly on her own. However, it is an absolute must!
Sometimes it’s nice to hear someone else say what I’m thinking, so thank you for saying how difficult it is when it is your child because it goes against the very core of nurturing and protecting.
Yet, we have to take care of ourselves too and setting boundaries is essential.
Sounds like you are further down that path than I am, how has it been? I wish us both success!!
For me it was a process of firmly laying down what I wouldn’t accept and adding to the list at a reasonable pace. The number 1 thing for me personally was no lying. Me and my wife both got sober over 14 years ago, unfortunately she relapsed 6 years ago and then again a little less than a year ago. But we always start with honesty and the hard part of that is not showing how much things upset me. I’ve found if my wife knows she can tell me honestly without me reacting harshly it allows me to be the one she turns to and talks to. Then the next step is honesty with her Dr. who is very understanding of the addiction process and doesn’t treat her poorly because it is a health problem. Then I add that there has to be effort to get sober by her program or rehab or meeting of choice first.
The hardest part of this is although I move gradually, I don’t go back on my word. 6 years ago we separated and almost divorced over her lying to me. And it was hard to leave but I knew if I started accepting lies it would only get worse and it honestly made our marriage stronger for years after marriage counseling and treatment. Unfortunately this time our children are grown and I haven’t seen the same purpose as in the past. I’m worried that she will get to a point and refuse to move forward. Until then I try to stay supportive in that she can beat this, but not ok with the abuse itself. (Also I keep Narcan always on hand)
Thanks for the post. it’s super close to me. I have a thing about lying. My family always thought I was a liar. It turns out I was a storyteller. But lies? Ah shucks, it always comes down to shame and not feeling equal to say where you are and what the %^& is going on. I think you are THERE with lying as ground Zero.
My son, who has a substance use disorder, or, too many feel bads, or too much love, or … when he starts telling tales, then I know he is in it deep.
So nice to hear you have continuation of care. You are doing so many things right. Even if she is lost in her personal shame, at least her Doctor has a different relationship to address in a clinical way.
I look forward to learning from you. It is no picnic, and it seems from this first post I’ve read that you have a whole lot of awareness around people with SUD and how to best navigate the path.
I actually threatened to tell his folks hes 55 but still like with them hides in his room. Long story short after 3 years of dating git him into a long term rehab and find out he screwing someone in there. I guess no good deed goes unpunished!!!
This is such a great question and I’m anxiously waiting to hear what everyone has to say. In my experience I’ve pretty much kept my mouth shut but something happened a few weeks ago that has led to my husband’s latest attempt at sobriety and it might have been from a conversation we had. Basically he really messed up because he was drinking and when he was telling me what happened things were not adding up so I said to him “I’m having a difficult time trusting you right now” and then he opened up and told me what really happened and the timeline of events made sense so then I believed him. Now we give each other a commitment each morning and his has been he commits to not drinking. Hopefully this time he sticks to it.
I’m struggling with this as it is my husband that needs rehab really bad , unfortunately I’ve come to that acceptance point not that I truly do accept it but have realized there is truly nothing that I can say or do that will change this he has to want to changer in order for it to accomplish anything , I have kept it inside for so long and so glad I found this blog to vent on , 2 weeks ago I tried the forced rapid access clinic he got in the car but he wasn’t happy about it he went in talked to a Dr got meds and still hasn’t taken them or called the
Resources they provided , unfortunately felt like I had hit another brick wall until Last week I literally packed my car and bags and was going to leave , my friend said I could stay there if things got to the point were I needed to flee , I also have been warning him for the last 2 months that I would not enable anymore and set boundaries by saying NO finally and told his sister what is really going on , he came home that night and I actually was fearful of what he would say but it turned to a rational conversation I told him his sister knows now , surprising but it might have actually been the kick in the ass he needed and he knows he can’t hid from his addiction anymore , he has finally started doing things that need to be done now that his sister is aware , I’m trying to stay hopeful but I have heard a lot before we need to list and sell before we both lose everything and he has agreed to do detox once that happens , we will see …. Friday it’s getting listed it can’t be put off anymore , I highly recommend seeking supports for yourself first before the addict may even want to as well
I’m currently in Nar-anon , personal Couselling, and taking time for my own self care every day as I have lost myself and have felt so isolated and lonely I have spoke and it was the best thing I could have done for ME not him let’s just hope
@sky Wow, what a huge step forward! I like that you did not blame or accuse him of lying, but instead, expressed your difficulty trusting him. I think that kind of vulnerability opens up a much safer space for everyone to be honest. Praying that he sticks with his commitment, too! What is your commitment?
@Seeking Good for you for getting support for yourself. I agree, we can’t force our loved ones to change. But I also believe if we think can enable bad behaviors, then we can enable positive behaviors, too. It’s just takes a lot of work, patience, compassion to get there.
Have you checked out the Group Course? There is a new group starting November 8, and it can help teach skills to make positive change in your relationship.
I once told my husband he had to go to rehab or he couldn’t come home. He didn’t come home that night. When he came home the next day, I told him he had to go to rehab or we couldn’t move on as a family. He went to rehab and relapsed six months later. I found meetings for him, I found him a therapist and made appointments for him. It wasn’t until I realized how much my own mental health was deteriorating from living in a home with active addiction and nonstop lies that I decided to leave and make the space to take care of myself. That was when he detoxed on his own and really made steps toward recovery. He didn’t go back to rehab. He did recovery his way and I stepped out of the way. For me, it was a full surrender. Letting go of outcomes and hoping it would be okay no matter what happened. It didn’t get him into rehab, but it was the first step toward a healthier relationship, which has become a crucial part of long term recovery.
I just have to say how inspiring your story is. Your commitment to each other through this is truly amazing, and something I wish I had.
I want to check the course out money is very tight unfortunately
I have filled out the questionnaire already thanks so much
@Seeking You might be eligible for 12 weeks of free support through the We The Village Family Support Study. Support would be similar to what they offer through the Course and the Community. You can check eligibility at www.familysupportstudy.com.
I got my daughter to an alternative drug treatment program in Florida that offered NAD+ IV and I went with her. I admitted myself at same time and place for treatment for alcoholism,
I found alternative treatment program in Illinois that offered NAD+ IV and a behind the ear bridge device to help with withdrawal pain we went together.
She also had court ordered outpatient treatment that she only made minimal attempt to follow.
Once alternative rehab attempts failed I threatened to call probation, I threatened to have her 302 d for suicidal risk, and I actually called probation when she relapsed and was on ARD probation for DUI. Unfortunately probation only revoked ARD then her use continued while we waited for ARD revocation, which took 8+ weeks.
ARD was revoked and she was placed on regular probation for which I thought she would go to jail once she tested positive. So I let her know jail would soon be a consequence, It took 3+ months, during which she had one 3 day period in prison for first probation violation. Throughout her period of regular probation she continued to use and we had to administer Narcan to save her from overdose approximately 1 month ago. After that she dodged her probation check in and had a drug test fail which resulted in her current incarceration.
In the next 3 weeks she will have probation revoked and court ordered inpatient rehab to start early January. After spending 18 days in prison with another 18 to serve before she gets a bed to bed transfer to rehab, she has decided she is tired of incarceration and ready to enter rehab,
I hate that it had to get to the point of jail but perhaps this is her rock bottom. I pray she stay committed to entering rehab.
The question I think needs asking is what does it take for people in relationships with an active addict alcoholic to ask for help? It took a lot for me. So many of us are broke by the time we are willing to go to a meeting. I’d love to know that people are getting more comfortable getting help. I just don’t see it happening.
Anyone have any ideas? What might have helped you do this sooner?