I agree but no real solutions come to mind… I will never forget my first Al-Anon meeting and what it took to get me there. It was after the urging of my therapist and our couples therapist that got me through the door (well over two months after my husband’s first AA meeting).
In what ways have you tried to get your loved one into treatment?
@newnoz excellent question the love one dealing with it is suffering too with no help. Who will help us to help them?
Great question @newnoz - thanks for bringing this up. For me, the breaking point was realizing my own mental health was declining, and that I no longer wanted to live that way. I needed to love myself again. I made an appointment with a therapist and began healing myself.
@newnoz Thank you for this question and I think it opens up an opportunity to really have compassion for our loved ones and the difficulty they may have with making positive changes. If we can’t even ask for help, and we don’t have a problem with addiction or substance use, how difficult must it be for them to reach out for help and be willing to change?
Change is hard for anyone, whether addiction is present or not. Often times we may ask, Why can’t they just change? Why can’t they just go to a meeting? Why can’t they just stop using? And when we look at ourselves and try to make changes within and ask for help, we may realize that it’s harder than we think.
I think what might help people seek help sooner is making them aware that helping yourself is an important part of helping others. Normalizing mental health as just another part of staying healthy - like going to the doctor and exercising. Changing the conversation around things like therapy, counseling, and support groups. I think we’re getting there, especially after the pandemic really put mental health at the forefront for everyone.
First time it was more of an ultimatum in order for us to get back together. So he did an outpatient treatment (for his alcohol abuse). He was doing great for a little while and then drinking behind my back started again and all the lies and manipulations, it all led to heroin abuse. We eventually separated and after he ODed I stopped communicating until he reached out. He seems now much more reasonable and he is looking into treatment options and reaching out for help on his own.
I think there were two major things that were a wake up call for him: his 10 year old daughter found him when he ODed and me and his brother stopped communicating with him after the fact.
Fingers crossed that he stays on the right path!
When you are drowning in your attempt to save your addicted loved one. You are so wrapped in fear, chaos, and grief that it becomes very difficult to get or see the need for help for yourself. You are so focused on helping the addict get help, you get lost in the “storm”.
I started counseling and this group in the same week. So for me, I had finally reached that point where I finally reached out for help. That point came right after my daughter’s overdose. I believe that was my tipping point where I felt help was all that I had left to try that I had not tried on my own.
Plus, I had lost my support network. My family, my husband, and my friend had grown tired of how my daughter’s addiction was hurting me. They no longer had anything positive to offer, and had no more idea what to do than I did. They finally walked away from the situation and I could not. So I finally reached out in need of help and support. I hit bottom!
Thank you for sharing here, @Hana. Yes, all the fingers crossed for your loved one! It’s good to hear that he is reaching out and looking into treatment options. How is that process going for you and him? How are you seeking support for yourself during this time? Glad to have you here in this community.
@Hana Thanks for sharing your story. Have considered getting the kids help. I can only imagine how your 10 year old daughter felt seeing her father like that. I hope he get the help he need.
That is my stepdaughter and unfortunately her mom won’t communicate with me after this event (I don’t know the reason, she is simply not responding to my texts or calls, we seemed to have a good communication before). But I agree, I would definitely seek some help for her, however it is out of my hands and I hope if her mom doesn’t do it that my husband’s family will.
I have tried everything under the sun including offering to buy him his dream car nothing has worked. Begging, crying, praying, driving him to treatment he refuses to get out the car you name it I tried it.
For me getting help just started when my daughter entered prison this past month. I have thought about it previously, however, I am so busy and so exhausted from trying to save her that my own health has deteriorated.
Just before she went into prison this time I said to her, “My dear girl, it is time you save yourself. I’ve been told to be careful when attempting to save someone who is drowning…,they will likely pull you under and you will drown, too. Well babe you keep jumping in the deep end…and I’m losing strength fighting to save your life. I have to save myself before there is nothing left for me to give. It is now up to you to get this figured out on your own!”
@sb0822 It’s all so exhausting. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure so much, only for him to continue refusing help. How are you and your loved one doing now?
For my youngest son, I have had to file mental hygiene paperwork May 2022 he had an overdose, officers had to identify him by his tattoo and was able to help him with Narcan and medical care. But refused to come tell me because they were not sure if we were still having issues or not. He only had 4 breaths per minute. When he relapsed again in December 2022 and threatened to kill himself I filed #2 and was successful because I reminded the mental hygiene commissioner that he was at greater risk of not surviving an overdose because of where he had 170 plus days clean.
We must have self love in order to help others. Take care of you ️
I can empathize with you concerning your need to do this for your son. In PA we call that 302d. I nearly did that for my daughter. However, I caved in fear of her being committed to a mental institution. Once I missed that opportunity she never let that occur again. Meaning if she threatened suicide it was only to me. If I called the authorities she would tell them she had no intention of self harm and it was all a misunderstanding, So the police would leave and she would remain for me to deal with.
I will pray for your family and your son to reach sobriety.
I’ve forgotten how many different things I’ve tried, some have worked for short periods.
But my latest was, tonight, he came and made me dinner (for my birthday)then needed gas, so i bribe him with 3 gallons of gas, to go talk to a friendd of mine/Police officer who plans to him him a mom speech and tell him and his girl friend options for detox and rehab. and housing during and after.
I’ll share if I get any reasonable outcome.
@Lilsis69 - What an incredibly difficult situation to have to experience. How are you and your son doing today?
Hang in there. It’s called progress not perfection. I have to keep Remington myself.
I think you mean Reminding, not Remington- as in rifle.
And it’s NOT you, it’s auto correct. My arch-enemy.
My therapist said, tell them I love you, but I can’t and won’t love the addict. It puts the ownness on them to change. I tried to get my husband to go to rehab. It’s futile and didn’t work for me. He only went when he was ready.