My therapist said, tell them I love you, but I can’t and won’t love the addict. It puts the ownness on them to change. I tried to get my husband to go to rehab. It’s futile and didn’t work for me. He only went when he was ready.
In what ways have you tried to get your loved one into treatment?
Thinkstet
#42
Hi @Sara3. It’s true- if the person doesn’t want to change, there won’t be a change. It’s also true that sometimes we have to help a person believe they are “worth it,” as this world gets a lot of people down so low they lose sight of themselves.
EMast
#43
I truly believe that addicts are so filled with shame that they need others to believe in them when they can’t believe in themselves. That doesn’t mean to condone the addiction or the behavior that goes with it. It means to remind them of who you believe they are when they are not addicted to a substance and remind them that you love them. . This may be difficult to do if it’s been a while since you’ve seen the addict clean but I believe this is so important to them and the potential for them to want to make a change.
This doesn’t mean they will change, but it can definitely be a part of the motivation to do so.
If you have it in you, it’s worth the effort.
I can attest that it’s worth it after having gone through it with our son. We didn’t cause the change but we sure have a great relationship with him now that he’s sober because we loved him through it. But, I have to say, we didn’t face abusive behavior either. Every situation is so different and we all do our best with the cards we are dealt.
My heart goes out to all families struggling and hurting. Prayers for all!
Thinkstet
#45
Thank you for sharing your hopeful and triumphant story. My son is sober currently as well and I am so grateful and he is coming around, starting to realize how much it all matters. You never know what day will be the day when your person looks around and decides he’s really going to do things differently.
Hana
#29
@Jacqui Thank you for asking! He is looking into different options for treatment and counseling and he actually talked about it openly without me asking anything. I don’t know a lot of details though but I hope he’ll make some steps forward soon. On the other hand I’ve been going to Al Anon meetings once a week, which is really helpful but I haven’t felt comfortable yet to share my story with them. This community has been a huge support for me as well! I get to read everyone’s experiences and write down my thoughts and feelings. I find that very helpful because I get to hear other people’s perspective and also motivates me to analyze my own actions.
Jacqui
#52
@EMast So beautifully said and 100% agree! Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom and hope with the community. That’s so awesome that you were able to support your son with love and compassion through addiction and recovery, and come out on the other side with a stronger relationship. It’s definitely a long, hard road and but it’s possible, and like you said, so totally worth it!
Letty14
#44
I’ve been having the worst time trying to get my boyfriend back in rehab since last October, today I decided to leave him alone, my struggle for my own sanity and health has to come first. I just want to take care of myself again because crying, begging, screaming doesn’t work, I just pray for him and realize it’s not my battle, I let God help him, I don’t have that kind of power. 7 years of pain and lies, it’s too much on me… Rehab on n off, using on n off, it’s heart breaking but I need my strength back.
Thinkstet
#46
@Letty14 good for you to take care of yourself, and work on the things that you can do to improve your life. Then, he is free to decide to change with his own timing, or not. But you have a great influence on him and you never know what day will be the day when your person looks around and decides he’s really going to do things differently, just like I said to @EMast. Peace. Keep on keeping on.
Sara3
#49
I told my husband he has to find someplace that’s inspirational. My friend shared how her son chose his treatment program. That registers with me because the things I enjoy are because I love them in my heart, not because my head says it’s right. So urge them to let their heart decide where to go. My husband read a story about a rabbi who went to a place in San Diego. And my husband did all the leg work to go there and stayed 30 days. That said, it was his 4th time in rehab (and all the previous times results in horrible outcomes including calling the police and him sitting out in the cold for 2 hrs and me driving to get him in the middle of the night).
Thinkstet
#50
@Sara3 - thanks for the contribution. My son also chose his treatment program. I wrote the check. He did the work. We interviewed a number of places. Fortunately, I live in Southern California so there are plenty of centers within driving distance - some sounded ok on the website, but were greasy when we got there (greasy as in greedy) for the interview. We had an instant vibe with the treatment center where my son went.
