Research and self education have brought me here. It‘s good to be amongst you all. I have learned that it is common for a person to pull back after rehab and following recovery. I was in a loving and caring relationship with my girlfriend for 6 months before she went to rehab for alcoholism. I was always very supportive of that step, and was always there for here. In rehab she would use her calls to get in touch with me, always saying that she loved me. After 30 days I picked her up from rehab. After that we had a phone call and a few text messages and then she basically started to ignore me. Her last message didn’t indicate anything that was going to follow. She would give me a courtesy answer to my birthday, Christmas and New Years text messages. It’s been 3 months now. I have learned that relationships in recovery are not advisable and that the focus is on yourself. It’s just the sudden ignoring without explanation that is breaking my heart. Please share if you have similar experiences.
Hi @Pbuchmann0531, thanks for the question. It’s common for people who have been through recovery to examine their relationships post rehab and put a lot of their previous relationships on hold. A lot of emphasis is put on making yourself #1 PRIORITY, and pre-recovery relationships are often discouraged.
It is good to hear that you were loving and caring in the relationship and gave her positive support. If she has some time under her she may come to realize those qualities. If not, you still can be confident that you treated her well and someone who is able to receive your loving care will come along.
Time will tell. In the meanwhile, make yourself a #1 PRIORITY and trust in the solutions that await you.
Hi @pbuchmann0531 - I’m glad your research and self education brought you to this space. That’s one of the best things you can do when you care for someone with substance use disorder (SUD) - learn about addiction and its effects on the brain.
I’m also glad to hear that your loved one found help through rehab. Recovery is challenging, especially early recovery. It’s very common for loved ones to seem distant as they begin a very difficult journey back to their true selves.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I know it’s tough but I’d try to not take it personally. If you had a loving and caring relationship before, and you know your loved one is a good person, then I’m sure she doesn’t mean to break your heart. She may not even be able to understand any of the emotions or changes she’s going through right now, let alone explain them.
Take care of yourself. She’s putting herself first right now and you can do the same. Do what you need to do to heal. Finding this space and reaching out to others who can understand is a great first step!
Here’s another conversation in the Village Community that you might find helpful:
I have come to realize that she is her first priority now, and I have to do the same.
Before I started my education on the subject, I contacted her via text messages, asking her in a nice and understanding way why things are the way they are. She couldn’t really give me a concrete answer, and after a few attempts I asked her my most important question, whether she loved me or not. She said that she had no romantic feelings for me, but couldn’t tell me I don’t love you anymore. It’s exactly what you read everywhere; don’t get involved romantically in early recovery. Does she mean it or is she following the program? That’s whats in my head all the time. Following the program is certainly the right thing to do though. Time will tell. I know I pushed her in my desperation and it scares me.
Can you also provide clarification on your final sentence? Chiefly, when you said _
in what context do you mean pushed? and also, What is the IT that scares you? Thanks for that clarification.
My attempts trying to get a concrete answer regarding the relationship and if she still loves me put pressure on her I believe. And all of that at the worst time possible, when she needs time and space to work on her self. I talked to one of her friends about it because I needed to know if she still loved me. I know for a fact she was upset over me talking to that person. And now I’m scared I made everything worse and that she may resent me for it.
Thank My attempts trying to get a concrete answer regarding the relationship and if she still loves me put pressure on her I believe. And all of that at the worst time possible, when she needs time and space to work on her self. I talked to one of her friends about it because I needed to know if she still loved me. I know for a fact she was upset over me talking to that person. And now I’m scared I made everything worse and that she may resent me for it.
Hi @pbuchmann0531 - Thanks for the reply and clarifying the “pushed her” as in "put pressure on her to speak, " and not “physically pushing a person”, and that you are scared that you overdid it, not that you hurt her. I’m a little trigger fingery about violence and I thank you for clarifying.
If she has feelings for you, then she’ll be back once she’s had a little time to consolidate her thinking. If she doesn’t, you don’t want her to come back anyway- it wouldn’t be real. It’s a great thing to love a person, and it’s usually discouraging when people don’t reciprocate- but loving people is a great quality and I’m sure your future will be fine, your lady with or without you. Good luck. Focus on taking care of yourself.