How to help my addicted child who is homeless?

[Jacqui]

A common topic in the Village Community is homelessness* - how to support family members who are homeless, or if your addicted loved ones should be kicked out if you know they’ll become homeless.

Below are a few of the questions asked by Villagers:

Is it wrong to throw an adult child out knowing he'll be homeless?

Is it wrong to throw an adult child out knowing he’ll be homeless?

What to do when addict is homeless and habitually content being at rock bottom?

My fiancé of 11yrs became homeless 2 years ago due to his addiction to Meth and inability to cope with life itself due to mental illness and childhood trauma/neglect. I have done everything in my power to help him but he has yet to help himself in the least. And ever since he’s become homeless, he’s actually become worse…he sees no incentive to change when there is an abundance of free drugs out there along with all the churches, charities, and programs that hand out everything he needs for free…

Adult son homeless for first time - should we go look for him?

My adult son was dismissed from his 4th alcohol rehab program in less than a year. He was dropped off with all his possessions at a nearby homeless shelter which is 6 hours away from us. He called his brother to let him know where he was but my husband & I have not talked with him. He talked to someone at the shelter and then left. He has never been in this town and has no friends there. His brother lives nearby but he cannot stay with him or any of his family or friends if he is drinking. Has …

What to do about homeless son

My 24 yo son was kicked out of the house he was living in for the past year (not without cause, imo). He hasn’t lived in my home since he graduated HS due to his substance use, disrespect and verbal abuse. He’s burnt most of his bridges and has nowhere to stay. He has a variety of mental health issues (ADHD, Personality disorders). He cannot stay with me…he will sweet talk me but won’t change nor leave. This is the first time since he’s been without a roof over his head and I’m having a real…

[Jane]

The CRAFT Approach to Loved Ones Experiencing or Potential to Experience Homelessness

When discussing how family and friends can support someone experiencing a substance use disorder or problems with substance use, we have unfortunately inherited a lot of cultural messaging about the need to allow people struggling to “hit rock bottom.” That term typically conjures up images of a person using substances losing everything- their family, job, and even a place to live. Sometimes this is couched as something that has to happen before someone can start to get better.

We believe, and we see it time and time again, that people can recover and make positive changes without having to lose everything they care about first.

The CRAFT approach inherently supports staying connected, continuing to positively reinforce any positive strides towards recovery or less harmful substance use, while focusing on self-care for the family members. It is by staying connected and skillfully engaging with a struggling loved one, that we can begin to shift harmful behaviors.

Is it enabling to allow an addicted person to live in your home?

Sometimes people worry that allowing a person using substances to live in their home is enabling their substance use. While the CRAFT philosophy tries to avoid labeling behaviors as enabling, generally speaking, allowing someone to live in your home to ensure that the basic human need of safe housing is being met is not enabling.

Why is that the case?

1. Changing any behavior is hard, let alone one as hard to stop as substance use and adding more distress, in this case related to housing, may increase barriers and distract from positive change.
2. People caught in the throes of substance use may have tried to stop many times and may not believe in their ability to take the steps necessary to change, experiencing love and care, in this case in the form of housing, may be a positive factor to help someone believe they are worth not giving up on.
3. In fact, living under the same roof, as far as it allows for more opportunities to use CRAFT skills interacting in a relationship with a loved one, can be beneficial and even crucial to influencing positive change.

As with many situations, there is not one approach that works for everyone. CRAFT should be modified to meet your unique needs. Some things to consider are listed below.

Safety for all involved is key
Safety comes first in CRAFT. There may be instances where it’s not safe for the person using substances to live in the same home as you. This can include physical and emotional safety for you, your loved one, and other household members. CRAFT does not require that you share a home, and it can work whether you live together or not, and whether a loved one is experiencing homelessness or not.

The longer a loved one stays alive, the more chance they have to recover. In today’s landscape of substance use, having a loved one avoid using alone can mitigate risk of overdose or other harms. If it does feel safe and right to share a home with a loved one, then CRAFT can provide skills to maximize this opportunity for positive influence and change.

Staying Connected
If providing housing for your loved one isn’t an option, but you are able to maintain safety (for you and them) in your interactions, there are other opportunities to remain connected and show love and care.

You can provide them a home-cooked meal, a place to shower and rest, or transportation if needed.

You can help them by offering to assist in finding suitable housing. This could include researching nearby transitional living facilities and homeless shelters, or offering to drive them somewhere else if they have somewhere to go in mind. Finding housing can be a difficult task and someone experiencing addiction may not be able to do it on their own.

Allowing Negative Consequences
In some situations, homelessness may be a result of friends or family allowing natural negative consequences for substance use. This could be true for people who are living in situations where negative drug screens are an agreed-upon condition of their housing. Allowing negative consequences is different from punishment and in situations like this, where the natural consequence may be dire, advance open communication is always recommended.

As with many of the CRAFT procedures, the decision about which natural consequences to allow is deeply personal. There are some families who will never feel comfortable allowing their loved ones to be unhoused and other families who can’t, for many reasons, provide a home for their addicted loved one.

You know your loved one, and your situation, best. You are the expert on your situation and we encourage you to feel confident in this.

Homelessness as an Invitation to Treatment
When someone is at risk for homelessness as a result of their substance use, this may be a window of opportunity to discuss treatment options. It might be helpful to have information for treatment providers handy and to know ahead of time which ones are in a position to offer rapid intake (typically within 24-48 hours) in case your loved one agrees to seek help.

Using the CRAFT invitation to treatment, this invitation is not offered as punishment or an ultimatum. The CRAFT approach believes that treatment is an option to be considered. This can be done using positive communication skills and it’s important to not get discouraged if the loved one says no, or agrees and then changes their mind or drops out later. Sometimes an invitation treatment happens many times before it’s accepted.

Open and Positive Communication
One of the core skills in CRAFT is using positive communication and this is one that can be used no matter how you decide to respond to your loved one. Remember to be positive, by asking for what you want, and use feeling statements.

This might look like:

“I want to know you’re safe, and our door is always open to you, but I feel too scared having you use in the house. Can we think of some ideas of other places you can use while you’re living here so I’m not around it and ways to keep you safe?”

or

“I love having you live in the same home with me when you’re sober, but I feel too anxious and stressed to have you living here while you’re using. I can help you think of other housing options for you.”

Focus on self-care for you
Loving someone experiencing addiction can be extremely taxing, even without the additional factor of potential homelessness. Setting aside time to engage in activities that are physically, emotionally, and mentally restful and nourishing is necessary in order to continue showing up for your loved one.

If you’re unsure where to start, think about the basics: Are you getting enough sleep? Drinking enough water? Interacting with other people you care about? Small acts of self-care are important and can add up to big results.

Remember, the more your needs are taken care of, the more you can care for others and, importantly, you are a model for how meaningful and worthwhile life is without substances. You showing your loved one how you can thrive without substances can give them hope for what is beyond their substance use dependence.

*Please note: We take care to use the least stigmatizing terms possible, while still using language that connects with people searching for answers. We will use person-centered language here, such as a ‘loved one experiencing homelessness,’ and while there may be a movement to advance in language beyond this term of ‘homelessness’ we will use it here since this is a term is searched frequently in our community and we want to make sure this is discoverable by those who are seeking it.