New to the Village? Start here!

#23

Hi @Eddie - welcome to the Village Community. How are you today?

Relapses are so hard! We often say that relapses happen because something in the recovery process isn’t working for them. Has he looked into anything besides rehab and 12-step programs? I know those are typically the routes people go for treatment, but they’re not the only options. Sometimes just adjusting current lifestyle to include more activity, hobbies, healthy connection with friends and family can make a difference.

It sounds like you really love your husband but his addiction is starting to take a toll on you. That’s totally normal and happens a lot! It’s important to take care of yourself during this time, too. Have you looked into therapy or Al-Anon? How about the CRAFT approach? Let me know what you think of these options, if you have any questions, or just want to chat more about what’s going on with you. You can check out more topics from other partners/spouses dealing with their loved ones’ relapses here.

#25

Warm welcome to the new Villagers who have just joined us this week!

:wave::sparkling_heart: @MrsDee915 @Paigeshay @Hairgirl101 @Viaah99 @dmarsala @Knico @HlpW-Undstnding @PPNK

If you’re feeling up to it, please do say hello here, introduce yourself, and tell us what brings you to the Village Community. You could even just tell us how you’re feeling today.

No judgement in this space. We’re all here for the same reason - because we care about someone struggling with addiction and we want to help them. Well, despite what you might’ve heard in the past, you can help.

If you have any questions, create a new topic and ask away. Or, search the community for topics that are relevant to your situation right now. You’re not alone.

#26

Hello there Villagers! Let’s do a Friday newcomers welcome :grin:

:wave: @Momika @Salem98 @MB407 @Brit @Ktkiefer @Sadgurl @charlenelm @Tiredlawyer @pgreeves452 @aaw @rgumlaw @MandyT85 @Looking4rocks @Nancya

We’re glad you’re here and you’re not alone. Hope you all get a chance to look around and find a way to connect. There might be a story here that you can relate to, or maybe even a piece of hope that can change your day. You never know!

If you’re feeling up to it, please introduce yourselves and tell us what brings you here. Maybe share a win and a worry going into this weekend?

Sending love to all!

#28

Hi. I am here for help and support. It’s a long one, sorry. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, this time around. We met before a few years ago, he started using, and I couldn’t be around the high him. It’s not the typical relationship, what is typical though? We got back in touch and things progressed to where we are today. He relapsed and disappeared for 2 days early Jan. He did contact me from the hospital and told me what happened, and to come talk to him. I went to the hospital and talked to him. He’s currently at inpatient rehab for the next 5 weeks. He’s heading to a sober house after. Both a new thing for him. He is giving it his all to work through it. I do get to talk to him on the phone for about 10 mins twice a day. The rehab doesn’t allow visitors, and I understand the reasoning. He knows I’m here to help support him through this. We have open communication. It hurt when he disappeared for those 2 days. I don’t judge him for what happened though. I’m just glad that he realized he was going down a road he was before and he didn’t want to go down it again, getting help, and was honest with me about it. Here is where I am getting inside my own head, I think …My question is, I know it is strongly suggested not to have any new romantic relationships for the first year. I asked him to tell me if I am not part of the future at any time. He got anxious. I let him know I am here for the long haul. He wanted to know why I asked that then. I told him from what I was reading and researching, that his emotions are all over the place and can change the way he feels about people. He told me that doesn’t change how he feels about us and sees me in his future. And that before he slipped, he knew he wants me in his life for the rest of our lives. Here is the questioning in my mind. I know he was told no romantic relationships before a year the first time we dated, all my research says the same, and he followed that advice before. It was a short time we dated, so I can fully understand why. It was only a few months into recovery that we met. I didn’t know what I know now.

With almost a year now, will I be in the no new relationships for a year? I don’t know if this is being selfish or not. Before the slip, we were doing great. We both know time and patience is required. I’m so proud of him and the progress he’s made. Even deciding to go to inpatient was huge. It is something new that he is doing. I know he considers me as a big part of his support people. He has a few people that he considers support people that he trusts. I’ve been trying to research relationships, but I’m not finding much that isn’t considered new or to starting to date. We are not married nor live together. He knows that his recovery comes first and I will say something if it doesn’t. How do I tell him, if I should, that if he feels that recovery isn’t coming first that we need to pause or stop? I know the effort he is putting into his recovery and support it coming first. Or do I just not say anything? Thank you for your insights. Nanc

#27

Hello, I came here because my SO is back on meth after serving 5 urs in prison o er the stuff. I have known him over half my life and refused to date him before his jail sentence but when he came home he seemed like a totally different person. Over time he started using alcohol until he was pulled over and caught driving while intoxicated. I had broke things off with him right before his due because the drinking and running around had gotten put of control and I didn’t want him ruining my life over being stupid. We did after almost 2 yrs of separation start talking again and he seemed like he had buttered himself since the due. He wasn’t drinking like he had been and seemed so attentive toward me. He wanted to get back together and although I was a little worried the old addict would surface again I did end up moving back in with him and it’s been about a year and a half since. But about 3 months into our second go round he told me he had been using meth again but only to get through some hard pushes through his work and home life thay he needed the "extra help in energy: to get through it. I was worried but he seemed like he had control. As time went on he hasn’t stopped or even slowed down and has started the running around again but this time with his best friends girlfriend. All of this has devastated me and I’m so hurt and disappointed that I have let him do the same thing to me twice. I do love him and want him to be the person he was when we got together but I know I will never win over the drugs. Thay hurts too. I’m wanting to call it quits but I don’t want to give up on him. I know this all sounds desperate and if it were anyone else I know I wouldn’t hesitate to leave but it’s him and I keep being made a fool of the longer I’m with him. I do know he loves me but I also feel like he puts so much more before my needs and that hurts too. I don’t know where to go from here and was hoping for any advice or ideas on how to handle such a situation because I just can’t give up on him knowing he was clean and seeing that side of him is the reason I fell in love with him to begin with. Any help or advise is appreciated but just reading other people’s stories tells me I am not alone and this isn’t just an isolated case by no means. Thank you for letting me put it out there as I really don’t want our kids thinking less of him right now so I dare not say anything to them about his addiction… maybe that makes me an enabler and I see that too but the thought of the disappointment they would have just kills me. Again thanks for your time.

#29

Hey @Hairgirl101 and @Nancya - welcome here and thanks for sharing your stories. It takes a lot of courage to reach out and speak your truth, so please know that’s a big step on your parts and not an easy one.

@Hairgirl101 I think a lot of people who love someone struggling with addiction would agree with you - none of us want to give up on our loved ones. That’s why we’re here, searching for something else beyond “detaching with love” which is what is commonly advised. It’s connection with people that is most powerful in enabling positive change. Recovery is possible, and whatever happens in your relationship, you don’t have to turn your back on him.

@Nancya - that is amazing to hear your loved one has gone into treatment! And that he can trust you to be there for him. I think what’s important to remember throughout addiction and recovery is that nothing is black and white. And while I can’t answer your question of whether or not a romantic relationship is a good idea or if it will survive, I can tell you continuing to be in any kind of relationship with someone in addiction or recovery takes work in the relationship - from everyone. Rehab doesn’t fix everything, and you may read stories here of constant setbacks. But just know that recovery is possible, there’s always hope, and as long as you are open to shifting your perspectives on addiction, relationships, love - it’ll be okay.

@Hairgirl101 @Nancya - I invite you both to check out our next CRAFT Group, which starts January 30 (tomorrow!!!). You’ll learn communication skills from our certified coach and also ways to take care of yourself, in addition to other skills proven to help. Sign up here!

#30

Welcome to our new Villagers! We’re glad you’re here. Please introduce yourselves and let us know what brings you here. Sharing our stories can be hard, but can also be a meaningful first step in the healing process. You’re not alone, and you can help - yourself and your loved one.

Take a look around the Village, ask a question, find stories that resonate. We’re here for you. :sparkling_heart:

:wave: @Anclark @Fblock1 @DogwoodBlooms @Katja_am @sho @Hwyww9u @CrabbyMama @Enjoypresent @Benita87 @Healing @bonphilli @daisy38 @Fran454 @Rosebarncastle22 @ericagarcia8911 @Myson @Zoe @Lakota2010 @binkyp @Paulabek @Drosegonzalez

#31

Hey there Villagers, hope you’re having a good start to the week! I’d like to send out a warm welcome to our newcomers!

:wave: @Caz @Hholl @lauracheeno @Jsears @Smglenn21 @Dfields1984 @TONYA @CJMK @nascar2008 @Julie00 @Blibli @Justmerik @laurasophia @Kimbugly111 @Caw @Mettawasmark @Mlk @Nicolej @cblevins @candydarling @Awl @Wonderkate @fdeniaod @Ratnesh @mary3 @ljohnson311 @Mountainmama @Czeckmate

I hope you’ve all had a chance to browse the Community and share some :hearts: if you see anything that resonates.

If you’re feeling up for it and want to share your story, please let us know here what brings you to the Village and how we can help support you. No judgement here. You’re not alone. :hugs:

#32

Hello Villagers - checking in to see how everyone’s week is going and to WELCOME our new community members who have joined us in the last few weeks!

:wave: @ddave23 @heart @Newuser25 @Selina @JRT1959 @peranzia @DMSCHRECK @Contrarylady84 @Thommo @Rippin @Katyagadd @Eyehope @Leia @ShilohKaris @peg @Kriswedge @ccr

When you joined this community, you entered a no-judgement space where you can ask questions, share stories, vent, celebrate small wins, and learn more about how to support your loved one struggling with addiction and yourself.

If you’re up for it, I hope you’ll share what brings you here, how you found us, and anything else on your mind. You’re not alone! :rose:

#33

Let’s welcome our NEW Villagers who have joined us in the last month! This space is for you to connect with others who get what you’re going through as someone loving and supporting a friend or family member through addiction and recovery. We know all too well how lonely and confusing it can feel to watch your loved one struggle, but you’re not alone. There is hope, and you can help.

If you’re feeling up for it, share your story and let us know what brings you to the Village Community!

:wave: @Simon_B @Ttd2085 @Wolfpoo @Kbear @jbalcott @Trying275 @Tkraft701 @Coquitlam604 @Jmontez1 @gloria.teerman @achievewellnessnj @Spikeysue @araeapple @Stephbby21 @lh19 @Ffgnnyt @scja @Hh12345 @Petejc008 @Asmita @Lashes @Alexus @MsGalaxy @Emme @Molly561

#34

Hey Villagers, warm welcome to our newcomers who have joined us in the last few weeks! We’re glad you’ve found us - this space is for you to find the support and hope you need as you support a loved one struggling through addiction and recovery. There IS hope, and recovery IS possible.

:wave: @Hurtone @Leon @Julie @missdiva @Ky-B @Cate @Jully45 @Felrod628 @Staceyschwartz33 @Gpurp @elatour @cammymcfadden @Ckellner @Buff @KristiLou74 @Clo @claireandpercy @NBeach @Heidi1 @R05k0

If you’re feeing up to it, please let us know how you’re doing today and what brings you to the Village.

And a reminder that our next CRAFT group starts on May 5! If you’re looking to gain evidence-based skills that can help your communication, your relationship, yourself, and your of course your loved one, then sign up here and meet Angie, your coach!

A note from the Village :love_letter:: Our Coaches are CRAFT certified and uniquely expert in training families to face addiction and get through recovery together. If you are interested in additional support, check out our online CRAFT programs at wethevillage.co.

#35

Happy June, Villagers and Village newcomers! Welcome to this space - it’s a safe space, where you can share your stories or read stories from others who get it. I’m curious to know - What’s one question you’d love to ask others walking a similar path?

:wave: @Cadillac1963 @Wormlady @Fullupmama @Kathyf @lilyelgato @Colleen @Cheree @Mcam07 @MrsJP1979 @Mads @Blue25 @Summer13 @Kmkf15 @Leli @Molambert @Shannstaar @Asmith272 @merlinmay @Snklein1 @Dmackinnob @MikeMikek6

#38

Let’s give a warm welcome to ALL our new Villagers from the last couple of months! This is a safe space, and I hope you’re able to find hope and connection here. If you’re feeling up for it, please introduce yourself and tell us what brings you here. You can also message me directly with any questions, and remember, the more we share our stories with each other, the better we can help each other.

:wave: @erinlewis @Emnzzz123 @Dlongshore @Teamshaun @Hope2025 @Myree2 @Mikemikemike @pieface @laylamama @Knk25 @Chloe @Shah0109 @Joanie381 @Travelling @Therese @Yellowdog @Moe @Hbsd @AK907LVR @User12 @Wooma @Lbenton152 @Ecjmmd @Szapp73_3 @Slorenc97 @rcawthon @lana @Lovemywife @yesats @HeyHiHelloYoWasGood @Chechmo @gettingthrough @claireplunkett203 @Kelley @Tiffleelee34 @Kattfish @alisadd @Cdvornik @rcalamito2 @Sarahward @Madhu @ggmo @Jer1

Thank you @erinlewis @Kelley @Kattfish @Shah0109 @Teamshaun for sharing your stories in the community already:

#37

Hello @erinlewis ! Welcome to the Village.

Helping your son with food is not enabling him. It’s feeding him. You’ve set a great boundary by no longer giving him cash, but don’t mistake “enabling” with caring for your loved one. As family members, we want to give our loved ones the best opportunity to find recovery. Maybe you can’t control his substance use, but you can help him eat a healthy meal.

If you still see this as enabling, perhaps shift the way you’re providing the food so that it focuses on connection, and gives you a chance to continue to nurture your relationship. After all, the opposite of addiction is CONNECTION. If you’re ordering groceries for him every month, maybe you can instead take him out for a meal. Keep the door open for connection, conversation, communication, rather than shutting them out.

If you follow @wethevillage.co on Instagram, we’ve got some great videos there about “enabling” and “codependency” - words that often get thrown around in the recovery world and often deter us from helping our loved ones, rather than encourage us. Here’s one about enabling that might resonate:

We also have a section of the community that is specifically geared for parents of people struggling with addiction. You can check it out here to read similar stories from parents going through the same thing: https://community.wethevillage.co/c/parents

Thanks for jumping in here and sharing your story, Erin. How are you and your son doing today?